Woken up by DH punching the pillow right next to my face

[Holidayregrets]

We’re on holiday. Apparently I was snoring. AIBU or is this excessively aggressive? He woke me at 525am and I’ve not managed to get back to sleep. Up now for a day trip which apparently I’m now going on alone. The irony is that he is now asleep and snoring.

Our last holiday was in January and we had the best time, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. This holiday he has no sexual interest in me whatsoever. That in itself is so discombobulating.

So I guess I’ll just get ready now and go by myself.

I don’t understand why people don’t have separate bedrooms on holiday when the snoring is as bad as people are experiencing. Go somewhere cheaper, stay in an apartment rather than a hotel. There are options.

My husband snores, On my working days I need to be up before 6. I've screamed, sworn, kicked, poked. Seriously, his snoring makes me so tired and ill I can't function. I use headphones but I can feel the vibrations in the bed. Have taken to sleeping elsewhere - anywhere else. Slept in the bath on holiday one night. It's so absolutely utterly awful that I don't want to book a holiday as I'll have nowhere to sleep.

DP and I have been together for 19 years. He's a snorer of the tenth degree. I've been sleep deprived and at the end of my tether many times.

When you woke up, was he punching the pillow in a dramatic way, out of frustration and trying to wake you without admitting he's trying to wake you, to make that awful noise stop so he can finally get a minute of sleep before he has to start another day, because it has been going on for hours and even though he loves you with every fibre of his being, he really, really, really needs to get some sleep?

Or was he punching the pillow manically with both fists, with a massive grin?

If it's the former, my sense is you do not have an abusive partner, but you need to work together to find a way forward. Over many years my DP is now trained to turn onto his side without waking up when I loudly whisper "on your side". He doesn't snore on his side so problem solved.

If it's the latter then I would move into an AirBnB tonight until the divorce papers come through.

That’s what we do. Own hotel room or we get an apartment or villa. Better to have fewer holidays we can enjoy, than more holidays where we try and share a bed and end up exhausted, irritated and grumpy.

Can you not just tell him that he has snored every night for 16 years and he needs to grow up and get some earplugs.

Crikey sounds a really fun holiday.. I’d rather be at home ironing 🙄

Very well put.

It's good to see some people still have common sense. Its quite surreal to read all the comments about 'abuse' and 'danger'.

I think maybe some PPs who are advising OP to leave do not have experience of what it is like to sleep next to someone who snores. They don't always wake up when you gently shake them/speak. OP's DH could have spent hours trying to wake her up in a more gentle way, with no success. Or, as I have personal experience of - the person does actually seem to wake up, opens their eyes, has a conversation with you, promises to turn over on their side to stop the snoring...then turns over and goes back to sleep, without turning on side and resumes snoring, louder than before. Once fully awake the next morning they have no recollection of the conversation you had, so they weren't fully awake.

This cycle of not being able to sleep or wake the person who is snoring, truly can send a person insane. As someone else mentioned, sleep deprivation was used as torture.

OP I would be thinking seriously about your snoring. It can actually be a sign of some pretty worrying medical disorders, nevermind the effect on others.

As for being annoyed with DH for now being asleep and snoring himself- first of all of course he's asleep. You kept him awake until 5:30am. Secondly, snoring often happens to people when they are sleep deprived and absolutely exhausted, which your DH is. So its not really hypocrisy, more that his snoring is a result of your snoring, iyswim

He is probably sulking because he is absolutely drained from this snoring issue and is frustrated and annoyed that you don't seem to be understanding how damaging your snoring problem is for his sleep and overall wellbeing, and you are instead now accusing him of violence and making him into the villan.

I've been kept awake many hours by DH snoring in the past. In those cases I've given up sleeping in the bed, and gone elsewhere (sofa/cushions on lounge floor).
I've never resorted to violence - although I have tried a nudge in the ribs.

I'm sat in bed now next to my snoring DH and wanting to cry. We went to bed at 11.30 and he started snoring straight away and hasn't stopped, even my ear plugs aren't drowning it out, worse still we are on holiday and I have no other room to go and sleep in.

It's awful, I'm so tired and angry at him. Your dh might just have had enough and want to enjoy the holiday without spending everyday knackered, that's no holiday.

I don't condone his temper though, but my god is it frustrating watching someone snore their head off asleep whilst depriving you of yours.

If he was fully awake and aware of what he was doing when he punched the pillow, this is serious. He chose to channel a rage and frustration into an aggressive physical act. This can escalate, until it's no longer only the pillow.

So why did he do it.

Snoring can reach incredible volume.

Sleep deprivation, including with loud noise, is a form of torture. He may have finally reached the end of his tether with it, and cracked.

Snoring can be caused by medical conditions, and can be treated. Is it getting worse?

So what have you done so far to make it stop?

If nothing so far, time to take action and get it investigated.

How has he been today? Guilty, shocked at himself, apologetic? Or sullen, silent, guess what's wrong? How he's behaved today will be significant.

Also ask yourself is this an isolated one off? Or is this part of a developing pattern of behaviour?

Has he been off, different recently, more critical of you, bad tempered, sulky, short fused? This can indicate something else is going on. That he may be withdrawing from you, no longer bothering to be good to you because he's now looking elsewhere. Sadly, this is often reported by women whose husbands' heads have been turned.

If he's actually previously been aggressive and violent, though - get out.

https://www.sleepfoundation.org/sleep-news/when-your-partner-snores-no-one-sleeps

I'm with you. I have definitely slapped a mattress or pillow before - it's not an act of violence, it's to make a sharp noise to startle the snorer awake. An alternative to actual physical contact which would be the only other way to rouse them.

OP as you were sound asleep snoring your head off, how do you know it was a punch?

Need more context here..
People can behave really shittily when suddenly woken. Even the nicest of people.
Is this part of a bigger pattern of behaviour? Or was he genuinely woken suddenly by your snoring and reacted violently in the moment not realising he was scaring you so much?

My DH has night terrors and has done all sorts half asleep.. screaming swearing etc
And he's the least violent man you could imagine in day to day life.
We have a super king sized bed and I wear earplugs and put pillows between us which has sorted the issues.

It's stressful being on holiday. And being woken is stressful. If it's just a one off thing I'd put it down to that.

But if it's part of a bigger picture in which he's disrespectful or aggressive towards you day to day then I'd be thinking about leaving.

Hope you’ve managed to enjoy the day OP. I think either way - whether he went with you or not - the day is likely to be overshadowed by alll of this until you’ve got to the bottom of it. Its very odd to be so cross about snoring, so cross be becomes violent - particularly if snoring hasn’t been an issue before and he has never been violent?

And this is why I'll never live with someone again, the hell that was the snoring made me feel really bloody aggressive from sleep deprivation. I kicked him a number of times which is more aggressive than pinching the pillow next to him

I hope your day went better than you feared. Perhaps either ear plugs or another room so you both can sleep.

Hi all. We’re on the coach on the way home. He was horrible when he got up, but seemed to have an epiphany after ten mins and apologised profusely. He’s asleep now after wine tasting hence I can post. Day was okay, no arguments but obviously what a horrid start!!

Just monitor the situation closely.
Had that ever happened before?

No. I think you need to learn that you cannot just jump to abuse when minimal context has been given

He cried and told you he would support you leaving because he accidentally threw a t shirt at you?

Surely that's an overreaction? Why would you leave because of that?

@FupaTrooper ah I've just seen your update. That obviously makes sense now!

His behaviour was OTT but speaking as someone who has had about an hours' sleep thanks to their DH snorting and snoring all night...I do get it.

I must have shoved him and asked him to roll over about ten times - which worked until he fell back asleep less than a minute later and started all over again. I now have to go to work on no sleep and he's still snoring 😫

Obviously punching a pillow is a bit extreme but I think unless you've been on the receiving end of a snorer, it's hard to imagine how angry it can make you feel.

These feel like big behavioural changes from January till now. At what point since the January holiday did his sexual interest start to wane?

THANK YOU!

What absolute nonsense. Do you have nothing better to do?