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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Woken up by DH punching the pillow right next to my face

201 replies

Holidayregrets · 30/10/2024 19:33

We’re on holiday. Apparently I was snoring. AIBU or is this excessively aggressive? He woke me at 525am and I’ve not managed to get back to sleep. Up now for a day trip which apparently I’m now going on alone. The irony is that he is now asleep and snoring.

Our last holiday was in January and we had the best time, he couldn’t keep his hands off me. This holiday he has no sexual interest in me whatsoever. That in itself is so discombobulating.

So I guess I’ll just get ready now and go by myself.

OP posts:
Shwish · 30/10/2024 20:40

"Or did he get up, loom over you and fire a right cross onto your pillow?"
I mean yeah if it was this that IS violent and scary. That isn't what I took it to mean though.

Glitterbomb123 · 30/10/2024 20:41

FupaTrooper · 30/10/2024 20:26

Ignore PP saying you are overreacting. This is unacceptable and the fact he isn't profusely embarrassed and apologetic is very telling.

Both my DH and I have gone through periods of snoring and whilst we have got annoyed I can't imagine in a million years my DH ever punching anything near me.

Once he was caught in a very scary storm with lightening whilst walking home. He took off his drenched t-shirt and threw it to the side of the room (in a bit of a huff re being soaked) . He didn't see me there and he accidentally got me in the face. It was the most wild, one in a million shot as he wasn't even looking in my direction as I had just walked into the room.

The second he heard the noise he rushed over and actually cried he was so sorry. He even told me that he would fully support me leaving if I felt unsafe etc.

It was a complete accident, but all this to say... Someone who loves you would never do that on purpose and then go silent on you the next day. His reaction with you today says it all.

Male aggression near and towards women is something that should be taken very seriously and I would consider him doing that a huge red flag/warning sign.

He cried because he threw at t shirt at you by accident?

Respectisnotoptional · 30/10/2024 20:41

Blimey he punched a pillow … and we’re already at LTB, there’s some strange folk on here.

DeepRoseFish · 30/10/2024 20:41

PuddlesPityParty · 30/10/2024 20:31

Do you usually make situations into catastrophes or is it just when it’s other people’s lives that would be impacted?

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Physical violence directed at any object in the close vicinity of your partner is considered domestic abuse.

FupaTrooper · 30/10/2024 20:42

Shwish · 30/10/2024 20:36

Well fair enough - you're entitled to your opinion. But I honestly couldn't get that worked up about someone losing their shit about being kept awake all night. There wasn't any "violence" as far as I can see except against a pillow. Although I don't get why he seems to be sulking today.
And I actually think crying because you ACCIDENTALLY hit someone with a wet T shirt is crazy. If me or DH had done that (accidentally) to the other one I think we'd have cracked up laughing! - we would have apologised though obviously.

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He was shocked that his drenched, heavy t shirt had hit me smack in the face.

I have a history of abuse and he was horrified at the thought of triggering me.

And I am quite happy to be with a man who is comfortable enough to express his emotions. Whilst he very, very rarely cries (maybe 3 times in 10 years) his reaction in that moment made me feel very safe and loved.

You can nudge someone awake, you can tell them to sleep on the sofa, you could even say "I am fed up with your damn snoring".

But imo punching something near OP's face IS Ana aggressive act.

DeepRoseFish · 30/10/2024 20:42

PuddlesPityParty · 30/10/2024 20:22

I agree 😬🫣

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No chance is she overreacting. He’s abusive. And an arse.

Getonwitit · 30/10/2024 20:45

Get through the holiday but once you get home, get all the ducks in a row ready for leaving him. There is a reason for his dramatic change and i would bet there is someone else.

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/10/2024 20:46

rainbowstardrops · 30/10/2024 20:23

You've been together 16 years, so is this behaviour completely out of the blue? The lack of affection sounds really suss.

I thought same. Is he having an affair?

RunningOutOfImaginitiveUsernames · 30/10/2024 20:47

Glitterbomb123 · 30/10/2024 20:41

He cried because he threw at t shirt at you by accident?

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I thought that was weird too. It would be more like, 'oh shit I'm sorry!' and likely some laughing between us both. I'd wonder why he was so upset (paranoid) about throwing a t-shirt.

RunningOutOfImaginitiveUsernames · 30/10/2024 20:49

FupaTrooper · 30/10/2024 20:42

He was shocked that his drenched, heavy t shirt had hit me smack in the face.

I have a history of abuse and he was horrified at the thought of triggering me.

And I am quite happy to be with a man who is comfortable enough to express his emotions. Whilst he very, very rarely cries (maybe 3 times in 10 years) his reaction in that moment made me feel very safe and loved.

You can nudge someone awake, you can tell them to sleep on the sofa, you could even say "I am fed up with your damn snoring".

But imo punching something near OP's face IS Ana aggressive act.

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Want to apologise for my last post. I can understand the upset if he knows what you've been through and it made you feel safe at that moment.

LostTheMarble · 30/10/2024 20:51

I’m on the fence. He has no right to frighten you with this behaviour, that is the most important thing. It’s an unacceptable reaction to the situation. However, snoring is absolutely awful to sleep next to, I will never share a bed again due to the level of stress it caused me in my longterm relationship. Two things need to be addressed, his behaviour (which is unacceptable) and as a secondary if your snoring is that bad. Not just for his lack of sleep, but possible health implications for yourself.

Bakingandcrying · 30/10/2024 20:52

Respectisnotoptional · 30/10/2024 20:41

Blimey he punched a pillow … and we’re already at LTB, there’s some strange folk on here.

I think very sadly there’s a lot of folk on here who have lived with domestic violence, once you get out of those types or relationships you have a very firm boundary on violence of any kind

you can offer OP advice and your view without being dismissive of other’s experiences. If OP, you or anyone is ok with having someone punch and object right next to your face, then that’s your decision to make. Each to their own I suppose

OneGreyDuck · 30/10/2024 20:53

Bakingandcrying · 30/10/2024 19:38

This is a hard no for me, I won’t tolerate any form of violence in my relationship. This includes violence in my presence, violence to objects or threats of violence.

what an unhinged response to your partner snoring. This is all kinds of fucked up, the man needs to get a grip of his emotions but for me I’d be out the door for this one. I refuse to have a partner make me feel anything but safe

This. I was literally like wtf when I read the post tbh.

The fact that OP is asking if this is “extremely aggressive” which puts it lightly, is concerning.

GivingitToGod · 30/10/2024 20:55

Radiolala · 30/10/2024 20:10

He’s violent. Don’t wake him up.

Has he been violent before?

Punching the pillow could be a release of frustration. Not be to categorised as violence.
For further discussion OP at a later time
Enjoy your holiday

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 30/10/2024 20:56

Shwish · 30/10/2024 20:17

Well actually I'm going against the grain and saying I could totally see how this could be the reaction to being kept awake all night from snoring. I've almost punched - like really really wanted to - my DH in the shoulder when he's been snoring like a fucking motorbike all night. Sleep deprivation is used as a form of torture for a reason. It literally drives you mad.
He punched the pillow, not you. I actually think you're over-reacting.

Violence right next to a person is a precursor to violence TO a person. We have no idea if the OP disturbed her partner's sleep to such an extent, but in any case a prod in the arm, or gently pushing her onto her side should have been enough.
The fact that he's up and not talking to her shows that there's more going on.
I've felt pretty violent when seriously sleep deprived but I've never punched the pillow right next to my partner's head. And then there's the level of intimidation and threat when you have the power imbalance of a man vs a women.

DeepRoseFish · 30/10/2024 20:57

ForGreyKoala · 30/10/2024 20:27

I agree. I lived with a snorer and it really does drive the other person to the point of insanity.

Also, all these comments about "violence". He punched a pillow, not a person. Some of you don't appear to live in the real world!

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And some of you are ignorant about domestic abuse

Ellsx6 · 30/10/2024 20:57

Is your snoring always bad or just this once? He's acting so dramatic!

MrsPeterHarris · 30/10/2024 20:57

Monster6 · 30/10/2024 20:16

I snore and it massively frustrates my partner. We’ve not had punching, but he’s shouted ‘for fs sake!’ Before and woken me up, or exaggeratedly turned away from me. I think if you’re tired it IS highly annoying. I’m gonna buck the trend and say not ideal, but if this is the only issue I’d try and get over it. Tell him it wasn’t on, buy some earplugs today and enjoy the rest of holiday

This! I have screamed at my DH during the night as his snoring drives me to distraction. It's horrendous & a lack of sleep is torturous!

NotbloodyGivingupYet · 30/10/2024 20:58

GivingitToGod · 30/10/2024 20:55

Punching the pillow could be a release of frustration. Not be to categorised as violence.
For further discussion OP at a later time
Enjoy your holiday

Show quote history

He could have punched his own pillow. He could have told her, loudly, to stfu. He chose to punch the pillow next to her head.

FupaTrooper · 30/10/2024 20:59

RunningOutOfImaginitiveUsernames · 30/10/2024 20:49

Want to apologise for my last post. I can understand the upset if he knows what you've been through and it made you feel safe at that moment.

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Thank you, I really appreciate that. It takes a lot to come back and comment like this on an anonymous forum. You didn't have to so it is kind.
All of our experiences cloud our reactions to things and I absolutely acknowledge I probably go worst case immediately.

Have a lovely evening :)

waitanotherday · 30/10/2024 21:00

87 percent say YANBU
Any possibility you can go home now, or organise separate rooms for rest of trip?

So sorry this has happened

Traceability · 30/10/2024 21:00

There may be a bigger picture here, but if it is just a reaction to snoring then it probably isn’t that dramatic as some are making out. My DH snoring can drive me absolutely loopy with frustration. When you are tired and trying to sleep and the snoring stops, you begin to drift, then it starts again…makes me want to scream and I can see myself punching a pillow too! However, if he’s not talking to you now then something else may be amiss?

OldMaiden · 30/10/2024 21:01

Your sex life has ended, he's now demonstrating discarding behaviour.

He's had his head turned and is treating you with contempt.

Book another room, he's made you feel unsafe.

Find out who he is talking to which is making him hate you.

wrongthinker · 30/10/2024 21:01

That is fucking terrifying, OP.

Hope you're okay. I don't think I would ever feel safe with him again.

Gettingbysomehow · 30/10/2024 21:02

I'd say those are signs of an affair and it wasn't you he wants to be on holiday with.
You've none nothing wrong.

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