Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

[Sammy900]

Reasonable - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc

Unreasonable - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc

Hi

Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc.

She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets.

Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends.

The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think.

She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet.

I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her.

How the hell has this all crept up so soon!!

How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please

Cheers

I second this. I hung out at the park with friends at this age growing up. Not a chance I’d let my children do the same based on my experience.

kids at my school were definitely snogging at the very least with boyfriends in Year 8, those without protective parents were up to all sorts at the same sort of age. And yes I mean sex acts. Just because we know they’re underage it doesn’t mean they care.

Absolutely no chance would I let mine out in the park unsupervised at 11 - as you say OP you don’t even want to be there yourself after dark. At least in 3 or 4 years she’ll be bigger and a bit wiser.

I know she’s Year 7 but my point is - that’s not far off. Don’t assume young kids are just talking about films etc. Some will be but others won’t be. As a PP said there’s a big gap between protected kids and those who aren’t at this age.

I also wanted to add that this is precisely where dealers hoover up young kids for county lines. There have been multiple instances of young children being recruited in these settings.

Once they become immersed in county lines it’s virtually impossible to get them out again. You lose them to an underworld of drugs and criminal gangs. It is an horrendous situation to end up in. We have worked with families that have had to fully relocate 500 miles away with new lives, because their children were being hunted down by city dealers and gang members.

Kids that hang out at parks are perfect prey. They even have a ready made cover story of where they are, with lots of unfettered access to schools and fall under the police radar because they are so young.

Exactly this. It's up to them what they call each other as platonic 11 year old friends. Other people are projecting older attributes onto this. No need.

Please read this op:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/feminism/4270164-county-lines-gangs-give-young-girls-to-dealers

Yea lots of incredibly naive parents on this chat!!

@Savingthehedgehogs Thankyou I will. I want to be in the know, as much as it is horrifying and hard to read..it's out there isn't it. I was aware of county lines before but no harm in catching up with how these tactics progress and what to look out for.

Thankyou for your valuable information

This!
Is the boy really in year7? Is she telling the truth?

If it was me i would not let her go to the park. Even nice areas have got weirdos around. You are not safe no where these days. By all means tell her he can call for her and hang around the street together.

Its hard OP but you dont want her to rebel but shes only 11.

Other MNers on young people in parks:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4493031-AIBU-to-confront-naughty-teenagers-in-the-park

Angry yes, and I've even seen it among children younger than that.

@ladykale or parents that are new to this transitional stage and want to do what's best all round, including being child-centred.

It's easier when they are younger to keep them safe..you just think you've got a handle on it then bam, they are at secondary school. This age is quite difficult with new moral dilemmas as they grow up

@Shootin yes I questioned this...she understands and looked shocked but I said...I can't just let you go and meet a new boy I've never met. It could be a 30 year old called Dave for all I know and she laughed

Have you explained that at eleven she is too young for boyfriends, that smart girls focus on their studies until university? Have you asked her why she would want or need a boyfriend?

I would challenge this op, and suggest she refers to him as her friend. Boyfriends can sometimes come with expectations. Even at eleven.

Yes it’s easier when they are younger - you know where they are!!
It’s getting the balance right!! It is hard OP.
When they are 18 it’s the night clubs. Waiting for them to come home safely. Going to Uni.
My kids are now 24 and 26 years old.
Of course you want them to have a good time, but the key is to drill it into them about safety.
i tell them if you go out with friends you come home with friends. 👍

Tell her it might be funny but you are doing what every caring parent would do. 💐

My 12yo DD walks to the park (next to our house) and has been to a couple others further away. They walk to each others houses, have sleepovers, go shopping in town, sit in Tesco cafe lol, cinema etc. Both boy and girl friends, most I have met, some I haven’t (but I make sure they are all children she knows well from school.)

Now it’s darker earlier she has to be home by 5:30 unless she’s at a friends house or someone is walking back with her. Always has her phone and I always keep an eye using ‘find my’.

The kids do all seem very keen on having a boyfriend/girlfriend as soon as they get to secondary, far more than me and my friends at that age! She and her friends have all had/have a couple of ‘boyfriends’. They say ‘ily’, awkwardly hug every now and then and end up breaking up within a few days/weeks.

Some of the behaviour of the kids around here (mostly younger kids, if you’d believe it!) is absolutely shocking but I can’t keep her inside. I teach her well and trust her to make smart decisions, she’s had to learn to stick up for herself and take no shit and there’s always drama but so far she is navigating it all pretty well.

Her and her friends are SO different to me and mine when we were growing up, it’s been a real struggle trying to know what’s best. Their main issue is they are 12 but think they are grown.

@Shootin good advice :)

@MissUltraViolet Thankyou for understanding, this is relatable it's just scary heading towards the next phase and figuring out what's best

Nothing good ever comes from hanging out at the park. I live in a naice area, but there’s still loads of bad stuff going on in the park. Also, I used to hanging out at the park (at a bit older) and know what me and my mates used to get up to and I was considered ‘good’ and responsible 😳 The park would be a hard no from me, but I would try to facilitate other ways of your dd seeing friends.

I work in a school and some of the year 7 and 8 look 14 to 16 years old. Smoke weed and their language is foul.
Good advice to tell her to stick up for herself.
It is a real struggle! 😩

Depends on your daughter and how much you trust her to make good choices. I remember another mother ranting to me about the kids that went to our localvrec after school. They were definitely seen as a cool but slightly dodgy crowd. It can be fun to be in that sort of group rather than stuck at home because the cool group wouldn't include you or your parents won't let you, but it can be dodgy and I would say you really need to think about how much your daughter wants to be popular, how able she is to say no, if a popular girl is bringing her along but really just using her etc.

I wouldn't personally encourage it - I dog walk on my rec and I see these kids. But peer groups are important and if she's in the in crowd, you are going to have to help her navigate it.

@Savingthehedgehogs she's really focused on her studies and is doing really well so far academically, so I'm not worried about that at the moment..I hear what you are saying and it doesn't really apply now but as she gets older she might start being more interested / distracted by boys / or whoever and that's also part of normal development I think..I'm not worried that she is going wayward or anything within herself emotionally/ behaviourally..it's simply about figuring out what is acceptable now she has asked to go out of the house on her own, and who she is meeting and then taking into consideration those risks. I'm pretty sure this new "boyfriend" isn't anything to worry about and is just a term they are using (but it's only at an 11 year old level) and will probably be a fleeting thing as other posters have said happens at that age.

11 is too young suggest they go bowling or something like that and someone drops them off then picks them up
I don't think parks when it's dark are the best places for 11 year olds to hang out I would rather they hang out round someone's house to be honest

Your lovely child has no idea what awaits her at the park, she is too young to know this side of life. Please be honest with her, educate her, tell her the truth and hopefully she will agree with you that it’s not a good idea at all.

It will be the best decision you have ever made.