Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

[Sammy900]

Reasonable - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc

Unreasonable - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc

Hi

Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc.

She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets.

Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends.

The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think.

She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet.

I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her.

How the hell has this all crept up so soon!!

How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please

Cheers

Not a chance.
We used to do exactly this, it is where grown men used to come to pick up little girls for sex. Underage drinking and drug use. Fights. Dealing in stolen goods. Over my dead body would my dc ever be allowed to go after what I have witnessed.

My friends dd was allowed and was pregnant at 15. She also was sexually assaulted.

There are so many ways your dd can socialise safely. At your house, cinema, bowling, clubs, noodle bars, coffee shops to name a few.

I raised 4 ,all recently young adults.
my middle son would meet friends for football ,buts about it
But my daughter just went to friends houses ,none of them really hung around ,just went to each others house .
None of them really hung about ,their schools gave them all such a ,lot of homework from year 7 ,there wasn't really the time to hang about , especially with the activities they all did out of school

Sorry for the confusing Poll I was just questioning what to do - in the end I decided she shouldn't go off today on her own to meet a new boy (and think that's reasonable now ha) but the gist of the Poll outcome is this:

Reasonable - to let her go to the park

Unreasonable - don't let her go to the park

Feeling better now about not letting her go in this instance but have it a bit clearer in my head about measures to let her go the next time it crops up ie; couple of hours in the day with known friends

I’m a secondary teacher. The divide between “those allowed to hang out in the park at night” and “those not” is big.

I have a 12 year old and no way am I letting him do that. At friends? Fine. At a place - cinema etc? Fine. On the streets? Not a chance.

My 11yo is allowed to hang around in the park on way home from school. With friends I know.
Not for hours, or with people I haven't met, or after dark.

I'm really shocked at how many parents are ok with their 11 year old children going. out with their boyfriends/girlfriends alone! They are children!! Children don't go on dates!!

Would be a firm no from me.

Thanks - I guess the same concerns are widespread. I'm now thinking about safer times to let her do this. A bit of extra hanging around times on the walk home from school - up to an hour maybe fine, I can phone her as well. On the weekend or half term say 10-1pm or 1-3pm - so long as I know who she is with, walk over with her...still dodge?

I'm also so much more at ease with places, cinema, bowling, costa, houses - not an issue with any of that at all it's more the hanging out on the park situation. To add more info the park is one street away it's really close by and she has said some of her other school mates do meet up there sometimes. Although I'm concerned I don't want her to be left out and miss out.

Also if 11 years old in Yr7 is too young ..when isn't? Yr 8 / Yr 9? Just an outright never, knowing the potential dangers?

It was much easier when they were little...this is a scary transition as a parent and is a new thing for us to think about and weigh up

I voted reasonable then changed my mind as I read the thread. Yes daytime with a group, after dark with a boyfriend at 11, no. I have a DS in same year, and he has neither a phone or a tracker though as a result, he is nowhere near having a girlfriend. He's got friends, but I message their mums to arrange for them to meet at the park. Not sure how long this will last - it's all a brave new world isn't it! He's currently at climbing with a mate, going one stop on the tube (we are London), then straight home (7 min walk), and this is the first week he's done it in the dark, and I'm definitely nervous!

My son is the same age. He’s been going to the park since the last bit of Y6 - in the day with friends I know. Our local park is VERY safe, so he’s allowed out there for a couple of hours in daylight. Some of his old school friends live further away in a different area and hang around there. I won’t let him go and he doesn’t really ask. I have said that if he wants to arrange a trip to McDonald’s or whatever, I’ll take them and hang around out of sight: this isn’t really because I don’t think they’d be safe; I don’t think they’re old enough to behave in a way that isn’t annoying for others when they’re unsupervised in a group. This may be different for girls!!

@BalletCat It's not really about them "going on a date" of course they are children, they'll just be chatting about funny stuff and chatting about gaming, school, films, music, etc - they've formed a friendship and have decided to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend whatever that means at their age. It's more about where is safe for them to hang out / is it ok to let them hang out on the park together

I want to say it was about year 8 here, September born so 13. Probably not out past about 7pm though unless it was pre organised. Eldest was very much an organised clubs and activities bod who didn’t really go anywhere with friends outside of the cinema, trampoline park, ticketed type event thing but the youngest was a footballer into athletics who would go down to the playing fields to practice with others in all seasons, get drinks from the cafe and stay in the park afterwards. Never really liked him being there after dark mind you and would always offer lifts home / friends to ours instead. He had a girlfriend of some form from age 12ish, usually a different one every couple of months and they’d just walk home together, go to the dessert place etc rather than enter teen pregnancy territory. He’s 17 now and hasn’t turned to a life of crime to my knowledge.

It depends on the park of course, if your park is dodgy in the evenings then no to the evenings, but its important to allow them some independence and to be out and about without adults so going to the park in the daytime, with friends, is a good thing (unless the park is so dodgy you wouldn't go there in the day either)

The boyfriend thing I'm not sure about, not had to deal with that yet with my teenager, but maybe suggest cafe or something similar first.

Not a chance.

Sounds fine to me before dark.

I honestly don't think older kids hang out in parks all that much anymore? And if they do they're not really interested in younger kids. Boozing is much less of a thing and I live round the corner from a park in North London and don't think I have ever seen older kids 'hanging around' in it.

I would allow this as long as it was daylight - so probably home by 4.30 this time of year - and she had a mobile on her.
Definitely not every night either so there's time for homework etc

This has been done to death. Some allow it, others don't. I didn't and wouldn't.

Going out on a Friday is fine: tennis club, youth club, meeting at a friends', etc. Always with agreed end times and pick-ups.

My dc didn't do this even as older teens there are far more constructive things to do and imo only those with nothing better to do hang about in the local park.

Op, you are going to need much stronger boundaries and safety measures. It’s too wishy washy.

Your dd is a child.
She will be a child for the next 7 years. When she is 18 she can call the shots, until then she is under your care. She doesn’t go out with boys or men.

She should not be in parks hanging around with gangs and god knows who. You monitor her phone and put safe guards on there to keep her safe. You insist and know where she is at all times. You explain carefully without being alarming what kinds of things can happen in parks after dark. You tell her that cared for children are rarely allowed to be there especially after dark.

You encourage hobbies, sports and socialising safely so her leisure time is used wisely. Perhaps ask her to consider starting a small business or following interests like baking, photography or crafting.

Above all, you teach her safety, intimacy and protecting her body, how to say no, how to listen to her instincts and know when she is unsafe. That she can always tell you anything. You are on her team.

The idea you must toughen up your child is really out of date, that is just short hand for exposing your child to trauma and ACEs. They will learn how dangerous the world is in good time, you don’t need to fast track that misery with early exposure.

I hold my parents fully responsible for their negligence - allowing me to be in harms way in my own childhood. It was ultimately easy for them to just say yes and not care about the consequences, but the risks to me were eye watering. I’m lucky to still be here.

At 11 mine were going into town on their own. They were going to the park at primary age alone. During the day I don't see the problem at her age, there'll be other kids around and parents with smaller children.

Nothing good happens when kids are hanging out at the park, I would never have let mine. When I was young the kids who hung out at the park were the kids that were smoking/drinking/having sex at a much too young age.

Have her go into town with named friends for a coffee, or to go to the cinema. But not just her and a boy at 11.

@RosesAndHellebores It's a brand new situation for me. I'll probably know all about it by the time my other kids are this age

Why do 11 year olds have gfs/bfs?

British society is so interesting...

@Savingthehedgehogs this!! some sense!!

And actually,I've been thinking back
What I described above was when they were 15 ISH ,
At 11 ,that's still primary school , absolutely not ..
They were taken to school ,brought home ,and taken to activities.
Mine all went to a strict catholic school ,so none of their friends would of been out ,and mine weren't,and it was wasn't even an issue
,the thought wouldn't of occurred to them.

Our local park is a haven for drug gangs and muggings. The,police do nothing. 🙄