Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

[Sammy900]

Reasonable - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc

Unreasonable - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc

Hi

Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc.

She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets.

Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends.

The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think.

She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet.

I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her.

How the hell has this all crept up so soon!!

How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please

Cheers

@Jessie1259 I remember when I was younger hanging around with friends outside to "play out" we were always in the street I lived on mainly, there were loads of us all together.. but when I got slightly older into teenage years and split off into different friendship groups at secondary school we were mostly in peoples houses hanging out and then avoided parks and streets and those crowds so I know what you mean.

My kids have never played out in the street at all, which is sad but it's a different time now...kids don't play street games like they used to and the trends / ways they socialise are different- I think this is adding to the anxieties really but also I know I need to let her hang out with her mates / "boyfriend" and she has mentioned going to the park quite a few times so her friends are doing this now. Hence the new issue.

Your y7 11 yo has a girlfriend?

Not a chance my kids would be in the park apart from the darkness issue now it's just not appropriate. Mine can go their friends, the friends can come here, they can go into town at the weekend but they're not hanging around in the park / on the streets.

It's also hard when your kids don't have friends who want to come and chill in your house. We bought a larger house, because I anticipated loads of kids being here during the teen years.

Should have saved the money. Dc1 doesn't socialise at all and dc2, I mentioned earlier. Cats are made up though.

You have the power to still influence this situation. You can say no - it is dangerous dd - what would you like to do instead? Give her limited choices that do not include parks.

Men of around 20/22 used to pull up outside the park in their cars and take girls off with them, where they were exposed to sexual assault and rape. Drugs and alcohol. Many of the girls thought these men were their boyfriends! And described them as such in school. They were being groomed in plain sight. Exploited and abused. One of them was the dd of the deputy head of our school. It can happen to anyone.

It really shocks me that any parent would allow this.

If you know the parents of dds friends why not call and make a plan together? Don’t be afraid to be unpopular or back lash. One day she really will thank you for keeping her safe.

To a certain extent it depends on what is normal for your area. My nieces and nephews in a different country played out with friends a lot whereas where I live, only children whose parents are a bit neglectful or cba, let their kids out unsupervised.

It really depends on your park op so you will get a variety of responses. I let my dd stay out until 6.30ish in year 7, earlier as the evenings drew in. At 16, she can hang out in the evenings at the local park as long as she’s in a group with at least one boy. They’re not drinking or smoking or having sex so it depends in the crowd and the location. I love going to the local park in the dark myself as it’s very calm. I get that wouldn’t be safe at your park so you really have to be governed by location. As for the boy, i expect it is all very innocent and meeting him in the day should be fine.

My DGD does, with friends. No problems.

Not after dark, no- but that is not what she is asking for. She is wanting to to a public place with a friend in the middle of teh day at half term! You should have started the gradual process of age-appropriate independence years ago !

No wonder so many teens suffer from anxiety when they have spent their whole childhood being wrapped in cotton wool and helicoptered

@Savingthehedgehogs Thankyou for sharing your experiences and it's shocking and disgusting to think that people are out there purposely to prey on the young and innocent - when they just want to hang out and have a normal childhood. I have concerns too and am not going into this lightly..my partner and I are just trying to navigate through all the different conflicting feelings, like letting her have more freedom, trusting her, educating her and advising her. It's a tricky one when she's asking us if she can meet with her friends - they are all innocent at this age and think they are bigger now they've hit secondary school age but I'm still her parent and she's still a child and we want her to be safe of course.

@BlitheSpirits please share, how did you go about enabling your children to have age appropriate independence - and what makes you think I've got it so wrong so far. Thanks

That you know about….

Just to add - this is the first time really we've had to question it - previously my kids haven't asked to play out in the street or wanted to, The kids on my street don't play out. It's not really a thing around here. They've been to friends houses / stayed overnight / been dropped off and picked up at events and left there. My eldest walks to school and back on her own (with friends), etc. It's just come about now that my eldest wants to allowed out alone.

She's also trusted to be left in the house alone whilst we go out to the shops or an appointment, never for long mind.

It sounds like you care about your dd very much, as you have posted here. You sound easy going and really responsive/worried about friendships. The friends will adapt. We had friends that were not allowed in the park, and we understood that - it didn’t make any difference, we just would go to her house and hang out. It was nice especially in the winter. Her mother was very welcoming but gave us space.

Yanbu. To do what in the park? Sounds like she wants to get up to no good

Eleven? Eleven??? With boyfriends/ girlfriends they meet for drinks etc? This thread has shocked me!

If it was the summer then 4-6 would be fine (well, in my area anyway. ) The dark brings an extra level of required vigilance and this is not the time for learning. Once it’s spring and lighter for longer then I would be happy with my y7 being out after school but until then I would tell her to stick to well light public places like a shopping centre in the afternoon or a coffee shop for an hour. It will hopefully be too cold for outdoor meetings soon which will help your case.

Honestly avoid the hanging out in the park like the plague! I’m staying at my mums for half term, super affluent area where the local school is massively over subscribed and outstanding. Took my two v small children to the park at 3.30. There were three groups of what looked to be yr 7 possibly year 8 kids in local school uniform, most were vaping, the language they were using was absolutely vile and they were talking about sex very explicitly, it was disgusting. As a secondary school teacher I would always have teenagers in my own house with doors open or on planned outings - costa/cinema/ a sport and would pick them up and drop them off

My nephew is yr7 and has a female friend. Their friends make a lot of "girlfriend" jokes but really its just platonic. They go for walks.

I think at 2-4pm in middle of the day you can't really police a secondary school kid meeting a friend.

However - if she has been texting him etc, you should know about it already. Don't you have access to her phone?

I know right? No wonder all these out of control kids come from. This is a small child , and op thinks having a boyfriend is cute.

@Amyknows haha she's really not like that, she just simply wants to hang out with her mates outside and has asked if she can

@V0xPopuli That's what I envisage really with the "boyfriend" thing

Some people are really misunderstanding what a boyfriend/ girlfriend type of friendship is at age 11 - keep your wigs on it's nothing forward beyond their years..they are just children

🙄

I would allow it (once I knew the boy and his parents) but that's just me.

I would definitely not assume there was anything dodgy or sexual about two 11 year olds calling themselves boyfriend and girlfriend. Boyfriend and girlfriend at that age just involves hanging out, maybe holding hands especially if their friends are around, because it's mainly just about the prestige of being seen to be going out with someone. When they're alone they'll probably just chat.

Yes, they are just children. I certainly would not be encouraging my 11 year old to be calling anyone a boyfriend, or me not wanting to embarrass her around her 'new boyfriend' as you said. Ridiculous IMO

(no I am not imagining they are up to anything dodgy fgs)

"because it's mainly just about the prestige of being seen to be going out with someone" 🙄 these are 11 year olds we are talking about right?