Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

[Sammy900]

Reasonable - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc

Unreasonable - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc

Hi

Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc.

She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets.

Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends.

The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think.

She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet.

I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her.

How the hell has this all crept up so soon!!

How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please

Cheers

You don’t know my line of work, if you did you wouldn’t say that. I am very very informed on this subject with decades of professional experience. Hence my plea to parents on here, I deal with the fall out and trust me it is not pretty.

Your son’s ashes are scattered in the same park? Can you we just rewind. What happened to your son?

I am just leaving for work and didn’t want to leave any potential reply unanswered from you Neuro.

It sounds like you have lost your son, and if that is the case I am so sorry for your loss. Maybe it’s the idea he is scattered in the park that’s so upsetting for you. An unimaginable pain to experience. Maybe I have misunderstood your post, but if that is the case then this thread will be very hard for you to read for multiple reasons.

I walk my dog at the local park every day. Drug use, drunks/druggies fucking on the picnic table in the children's playground in broad daylight, county lines types zipping in and out on their scooters, a flasher masturbating right in the middle of the football field, kids smashing up the groundsman's vehicle with cricket bats, homeless men without any English who sometimes approach me and then scarper when my dog bursts out from inside the bush she's been nosing around in.

The vermin who did that to Natalie Shotter- that was at the park. Yes, that was night time, but where do you think he had been that day? Gainfully employed, or reading newspapers at the library?

This - brilliant post. Most people are massively over estimating the risk of giving their child some independence, whilst massively underestimating the risk of not doing so!!

Why on earth would you continue to go there?? 😳

More to the point why would you send your CHILDREN there?

Fingers still in ears then…

I don't send either of my children there. 🙄

It's the only green space within walking distance during my lunch break. Dog walkers don't have a lot of choice around here.

I live in a major, depressed English town and this is actual life for millions of us, not rarefied greenbelt Mumsnetworld.

If you are going to read all of these accounts, and think I know I’ll forget offering my children independence in other ways, and I’ll just wave them off to the park - then this is entirely on YOU when the shit hits the fan. You can’t say you were not told.

Your children deserve better.
And yes you are massively, massively letting them down, and you may pay dearly for that decision one day. For your children’s sake, I hope they will not be harmed and will come through the experience, it will be no thanks to you.

At least go along on a Friday night and take a look…good luck.

Nope. It’s just that I haven’t read one post that has convinced me that your kid is definitely going to get abducted by a drug dealing paedophile if you let them go out with their mates.
If you read the post I quoted, you would see why. Perhaps it’s you that has their fingers in their ears?

You really are hysterical! And I don’t mean in a funny way. Listen to yourself FFS!

OPs daughter wants to go to a park on BROAD DAYLIGHT for like two hours during an afternoon and you are behaving like she may as well be inducting her in to the local mafia. You really need to lighten the fuck up.

Thing is, there is an element of risk to absolutely everything you do.
You could get crashed in to by a drunk driver whilst driving your kid down to the local cinema for their ‘supervised date’
You could send your 11 year old off to a ‘play date’ (and yes, I think it’s ridiculous to arrange play dates for an 11 year old) and one of the members of the household could be a paedophile
You could send them off to their lovely, ‘safe activity’ and some mad man could come in and start stabbing them (have we forgotten about the Southport Stabbings??)
The phone you use to track their every move to ‘keep them safe’ is also a tool that can be used by people to groom your child

The list of potential risks is huge. Is the answer to that really to wrap them so tightly in cotton wool that they barely see the light of day? Because there is a huge risk associated with molly coddling your child. The risk that they never grow up and learn any resilience or have any experience of what life is actually like. The risk that they spend most of the rest of their lives believing the world is a big, bad horrible place because of the anxieties their parents have passed on to them. The risk of life long mental health problems.

Of course there is a happy medium, we aren’t suggesting OP let her daughter hang around in a park at midnight! The clue is in the constant repetition of AGE APPROPRIATE

It’s not broad daylight after school for half of the year. It certainly won’t be BROAD DAY LIGHT in the middle of the winter. 🙄
You are saying lighten up from a position of total ignorance. Sorry.

I have to go. Some of us work for a living picking up the pieces.

The OP literally said from 2 - 4pm. It is still light at that time currently.
No need to apologise - you are speaking from a place of extreme anxiety and fear which must be very hard for you to manage.

Have a nice day. While you are at work, maybe look at some statistics so you understand the actual risk.

Your work exposes you to the worst possible consequences, your attitude to this is very understandable because of that. And obviously not all parks are equal, the one a PP mentioned on this page sounds absolutely horrifying and no one in their right mind should send their child there but there are also parks that are perfectly benign, where it is safe to send your children to play, and the chances of something bad happening are vanishingly small. For instance there's a park near me that is perfectly safe, no drug dealers hang around there, older teenagers don't either as there's nothing for them there, they hang out at the skate park in the town centre. I'd be perfectly happy letting even my 6 year old play in the park near me by himself if it wasn't for the fact that its on the other side of the main road, and because its close to the lake.

I’ve not read the full thread but I have an 11 yr old DD who is my youngest and I have similar worries about our local park. I facilitate meet ups with friends at the cinema, coffee shops, other parks and activities. I’m always happy to give lifts but also respect that she may want to get to places alongside her friends so let her decide (not on the way home if it’s dark though). She has had the same boyfriend for 2 years (it’s really just a special friendship but they call each other bf/gf) and he’s a nice chap. I’m terrified of her future demands - she’s quiet and sensible but very strong willed if the mood takes her - but trying to balance freedom with safety. I have older sons and was never this panicky with them but assume it’s because she’s the youngest, female and doesn’t hang out in a large group of friends.

The question is, why hang around in a park? What's there to do? Often teens that are just hanging around in the park are smoking weed.

I can understand if it's sporty kids and there is a basketball hoop, table tennis, or similar equipment or a place to play footie so they meet up play a bit, chat and walk back. Or a happening park, busy with families that has lots to offer, it's fine meeting up and having a stroll. Hanging around for hours in the neighbourhood park with nothing on offer? They'll be bored in no time and are more likely to engage in risky behaviour.

bloody. hell. @Savingthehedgehogs

your style of engaging with posters on this thread definitely shines more of a light on your own thread on the go!

@Savingthehedgehogs 6 06 post I completely agree.

There are many ways to encourage independence.

And yes these predators do seamlessly blend in and the child wouldn't know, and it's someone's brother or uncle or friend of family.
They don't try and capture them straight away they work on it for long term games.

I agree with this. My 11 year old goes to Guides and they do camping trips where they all have to 'muck in', do the cooking, washing up etc. Last few Guide meet ups they had to stick to a budget a create a shopping list and plan a menu for a set amount of people, and the week after they cooked the meal. It takes place in our local village hall and none of her other Guide friends go 'hanging around Primark' either. It only takes one bad influence to encourage the 'good kids' to try their hand at shoplifting / vaping / etc. All parents think their angels are not capable of such things. There are many other ways to encourage independence in our children