Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

[Sammy900]

Reasonable - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc

Unreasonable - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc

Hi

Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc.

She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets.

Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends.

The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think.

She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet.

I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her.

How the hell has this all crept up so soon!!

How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please

Cheers

https://www.freerangekids.com

https://letgrow.org/program/anxious-generation/

when free time and free play got replaced by near constant adult supervision. As kids’ independence waned, their anxiety and depression grew. In The Anxious Generation, Haidt’s final call to action is simple: Give young people back independence, responsibility, and free play.
“If parents don’t replace screentime with real-world experiences involving friends and opportunities for independent activity, then banning devices will feel like pure deprivation, not like a world of opportunities opening up.” – J.H.

Why wouldn't they have money or purpose? Many 11 year olds are savvy shoppers with pocket money to spend and purchases to make. Shopping is fun and more appropriate than loitering in parks.

What this thread doesn't really touch on but what's at the centre of it is where are the youth friendly provisions, such as safe and engaging youth clubs, affordable hobbies? Some areas have GG and scouts, sea and army cadets but what are young teens supposed to do if their parents can't afford activities? Labour could make a real difference here re-introduce Sure start as well as youth clubs.

We are surely past the days where people go shopping just to pass the time? We should be shopping for things we need. My daughter goes to Guides and it costs £20 for a half term (about £3 per week) so if you are trying to say that people can give their kids money to shop in Primark but can't afford Guides then you are not making any sense. Cadets be it police / RAF / Army are free I believe.

An 11 year old will need underwear, tights, hair bands learning how to get the right size and make a purchase is a life skill in itself. In year 7 we frequently would buy our own ingredients for home economics ( showing my age) or charity bake sales at school ( yes we also baked unsupervised), stuff for halloween costume this week, then christmas presents for family and friends, books ( so many books) or magazines.

You can take them shopping for those things and help them choose. Not send an 11 year old off on their own! Who let's an 11 year old go off and buy their own clothes? Please!

Tights and hair bands bros bandanashardly high stake items if it goes wrong. I think policing every single purchase is controlling personally.

Yes I would trust an 11yo to purchase for example some cat ears and black leggings for a halloween party without me. School shoes ? Not so much.

Free range is meant to describe children that have freedom to play, to climb trees, to sleep under the stars, to build dens and enjoy childhood without the constant gaze of an adult or parent.

It does NOT stretch to vaping, drug exploration, being dragged into cars by the ‘nice’ local paedo and learning how to trade stolen goods in urban parks ffs!!! 😵‍💫

We must have different circumstances. We are talking about 11 year olds. I don't know any other family in my area who let their 11 year olds shop alone for clothes. Trip to the corner shop ok.

Does your 11 do anything at all without adult supervision ? I mentioned above baking by 11 Dd was proficeint at making cupcakes. Dd and her friends also took themselves to the cinema for a saturday daytime show. As others have said this stuff is good for them.

We take our kids camping every summer and while we are there they are free to mix with the other kids and be unsupervised, as long as they come back before dark. That is giving them freedom and learning life skills. Sending them off to Primark to buy their own stuff is just lazy

My 12 year old ASD and ADHD cooks his own fried breakfast on a Sunday morning. Bacon, black pudding, fried bread, fried cherry tomatoes. All I have to do is clean all the mess when I get up

My Dd is 18 now, so not really relevant anymore whether I was lazy in letting her choose and make her own costumes age 11.
I understand about the camping. What about the other 50 weeks of the year when you are not camping ? What about learning about budgeting ? Using public transport ? road safety? Do they know how to ride a bike safely on the road ? Cooking a simple meal ? 30 years ago this was totally expected for 11 year olds.

Just saw your update do you have ( or have you had) an NT 11yo ?

Who the hell said it did?!!

Slightly different when you have an autistic child who has difficulties with social situations. I would say he is doing rather well given his circustances. He is part of our local sailabitity club and takes part in independent and meaningful activities. It's not just '50 weeks a year doing nothing'. We have a family trip to Asia for 2 weeks a year, another 2 separate weeks in Europe, a couple of camping trips, sailing.... but hey ho, maybe Primark would save me a load of money. FYI because of our extensive travels my son can greet and say hello to Thai, Arabic, French, Indian, Cantonese.... I could go on

I was 11 the first time I was allowed to walk to the local town with a friend. I used to take my pocket money and buy cheap make up from the market and have a coffee with my friend. I completely agree with you. I think people are babying their kids too much.

I am glad your DS is doing so well. However it is different if you have as i did a sociable, sensible NT 11yo who wants to go out with her friends.

I am not sure why you would link free range children of all things with hanging around a grotty park?

We baby them by wrapping them in cotton wool in the real world, not equipping them with the resilience they need to navigate life, give them smart phones and social media to fuck with their mental health a bit more and then we send them off to therapists to get medicated for it.
Or maybe I have been listening to too much Jonathan Haidt and Abigail Shrier 😂

I have actually realised I am an even worse parent than I thought I let her buy bits for her world book day costume in yr 6.

Did you let her go to the shop alone though?

Yes maybe. That’s not my experience! But then my children were not given phones until they were 13 and are not that interested in them. They are outdoorsy kids and have a great time with their friends. They have never been near a park…

Yes I think so by March year 6
she was allowed to walk to the shops or cinema with her best friend from the house ( about 15 minutes).

Ok that makes me feel better. My kid is only 7 so I’m yet to navigate through some of this stuff. Just desperate to do what’s right by him. As I’m sure we all are with our kids