Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

[Sammy900]

Reasonable - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc

Unreasonable - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc

Hi

Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc.

She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets.

Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends.

The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think.

She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet.

I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her.

How the hell has this all crept up so soon!!

How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please

Cheers

Also shocked! She's 11!!!!! Hard no from me.

I find it shocking that someone says they allow their 11 year old to go to have a coffee with their friend. Come on ppl. I allow my 11 year old a sip of my diet coke. Not to go to buy a coffee in town.

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By coffee they are talking about milky, sugary drinks with maybe a hint of coffee flavouring. They aren’t downing triple espressos.

Your 11 year old must go absolutely bananas at birthday parties…

This is true, although thankfully they seem to be taught a lot about onliine safety at school, even from primary age

We also do this, it must feel so liberating for them! Wish I could feel safe enough to allow them that sort of freedom at home

Not saying they are emotionally ready for romantic relationships, course not, they aren't adults. Whether you like it or not though the kids are going to be calling themselves boyfriend / girlfriend at that age and whatever that means to them is something that we need to address, talk about, ask what that means. Most likely I imagine it would be holding hands or awkwardly hugging at most. The main emotional element I think woud be handling how they feel when they "break up" every time....I just see it as playing relatonships, not actual ones at that age

After reading about an attempted abduction locally to me today, I would say no. It really depends on where you live though, and who frequents the park.

Have you not heard of county lines?

It depends on your area doesnt it. I doubt I'll ever let my DD ( almost 10 ) go to our local park on her own. It is full of nasty older kids and big gangs. I've been on the park with her and an older kid started swearing at her not realising I was with her. And a few months ago my DD was at the local community club and we saw 20+ teenagers chasing one lad across the park.

You cant trust other kids. They can be so nasty. My DD is autistic though so I have a good "excuse" to keep her closer to home

I have just started letting her play out, but I track her with an app and I'm friends with her friends mum so I know exactly where and who she is with. Even then with her just playing out 1 street away shes had other kids be unkind. Imagine what group mentality would be like. Its ana awful world we live in now

We're in London so unfortunately it's a hard no regarding hanging out at the local park unsupervised. My 12 year old tends to hang out with friends at each other's houses. They also like to go shopping at shopping centres eg Westfield, but these are quite far away so one of us parents will take them and let them off on their own but we're nearby if there are any problems. Yes I had a lot more independence when I was their age, but I lived in a much safer area.

That's sad about your local park, whereabouts are you ? The thung is though it's a bit like private schooling, it only works if everyone lets their 12yos play out then there is safety in numbers. One of the reasons we bought this house is it's proximity to a lovely park, I would really resent it if it was allowed to become unsafe for preteens to hang out in ( there are tennis courts and multisport area as well as 2 cafes so that is where the youngsters tend to be). Do your parks not have rangers ?

I wouldn't. I meet my personal trainer in the local small park during the day and do bootcamp there. It's a nice area but of the groups of kids that are there after school and in the holidays two thirds are smoking weed. The only exception is on very hot days when the proportion drops to half or less. It's also noticeable that most of the groups are mainly or exclusively boys. Where there are groups of girls they stay for a much shorter time. Where there are girls with the boys they appear to be tolerating a lot of very sexualised language and behaviour in a way that I would not have been comfortable with.

They are not encouraged to drink actual coffee, meeting for a coffee is a euphemism. They usually order hot chocolate with sprinkles and enjoy being grown up! My other dd studies in the same place, it’s a book shop as well, so they will usually browse and sometimes buy a new book. A lovely few hours can be enjoyed this way with no need for parents. Mine might go for a walk afterwards. Before coming home.

This is exactly it, best case scenario this is the outcome. As above.

Parents will say my child is not taking drugs, smoking weed, having sex, vaping and drinking in parks, they tell me everything. Well, maybe they don’t! Because someone’s kids are there doing it so why are your teens so different? There is a pack mentality in these environments.

The pressure to conform at this age is enormous. Why would you want your darling children anywhere near it?! Why? There is a choice to say no, to choose something better for your children.

Whyever not? Window shopping is something people of all ages can enjoy. I used to love hanging out in town with a friend or two when I was 10+

Leaving that level of independence until 15 or 16 is far too late. At that age many teenagers in my country are leaving home to go to high school in a bigger town or city (teenagers in rural areas have no choice, their villages and towns won't have high schools, the high school in my town of 10k inhabitants is only just hanging on thanks to teenagers brought in from Vietnam to study). Can't imagine how badly that would go for teenagers that haven't been allowed age-appropriate independence before that, they would be so so vulnerable.

Why are you cleaning up the mess? If he can cook, he can clean up too. My 13 year old has to cook at home for her home ec homework and her teacher made it very clear that cleaning up afterwards is something they have to do themselves.

People seem to be conflating several issues here.

1. Predatory adults- in my view are not hanging around public spaces- all the evidence is that you are most likely to be groomed or exploited either online or by a known adult. If people have evidence of 11yo with stable and loving homes being recruited to county line gangs whilst hanging out by the football pitches can they post them please.

2. Other children- for want of better word " bad influences" agree this is harder, better for them to be with another child you know well and trust, have a talk about what to do if they feel uncomfortable etc. Not in my view a reason to not let them out of your sight. Stricter than necessary curfews can be your friend here and IMO in the winter months the town centre is less likely to have this vibe than a park bench.

3. Abduction- this is so, so rare much rarer than it was even 20 years ago. Most " missing" children are already very troubled young people. Nobody is going to forcibly abduct an articulate 11 uear old. Anyway didn't you have those convos when they were much younger ( 5 or 6?) about stranger danger ?

Because saying no also has it's risks. You are denying them age appropriate independence, this makes them vulnerable as young adults as also at greater risk of memtal health problems.

There is an argument, better to make a few unwise decisions at 13/14 than go off the rails completely just before your GCSEs or A levels.

My town has a youth club that is open every day during the week, from after school until 8 or 9 in the evening which is good, my DD goes there on Wednesdays as that's her only free evening without training, and every other Friday for dungeons and dragons club. All free.
But its not open at weekends, which is when teenagers really need a safe environment to hang out.

Your are staggeringly naive.

Adult predators have always targeted parks. The children hanging out there are generally the same ones with checked out parents and are easy prey.

These men ARE known to the children. They make friends with them by buying them vapes, cigarettes, alcohol and food, they absorb into the group often offering lifts. It is so seamless the kids are not aware of it. We are not talking about fifty year old men here Neuro, but cool guys in their 20s - early 30s usually with nice cars. You are totally wrong on this. The same men are often involved with dealing, county lines and often pick up very very young little girls. It is pure exploitation.

You can not control who your child meets in parks nor what they will be encouraged to do. By choosing to allow this to happen by default it’s out of your control. Your child is going to exposed to absolutely everything. That’s guaranteed. At some point or another.

There are other risks too. That you haven’t listed. Like being arrested and charged for disorder, drugs or violence. This will ruin their lives. Having a criminal record eliminates so many possible careers. Drug addiction is prolific, your child’s experimentation could quickly descend into full blown addiction.

I am sorry you have made these choices for your own children, innocently no doubt, unaware of the true extent of the malign nature of park culture.
But you can not continue to argue that someone else’s child should go to the park for spurious reasons ( independence of all things!) because you have made ill informed decisions yourself, it’s completely unfair.

We are taking about a very young 11 old girl here, who can take a different path and not be subjected to everything the park brings. So many people have posted their own negative experiences on here and you are ignoring them all.

I may be many, many things naive is 100% not one of them. I ddon't want to post my CV on a public forum suffice it to say I have worked in safeguarding for 15 years I have seen and heard things you wouldn't ever want to.

I didnt mention predators or abduction in my post

It doesnt matter about the stable home, its about the child. My dd with autism is a lot more likely to go off with a stranger and think their her friend because theyve had one positive interaction than my DS would.

Bad influences.... it's about the risk. I grew up in the town Sophie Lancaster was murdered in. My sons ashes are scattered in the same park. I grew up on playing on the Park my primary school was on that park. I was in the same school/year as some of the boys who murdered her. That was group mentality. That spiralled so quickly.

Did you miss the bit where I said my children are adults ? Or the bit where I laid out what I consider to be sensible ground rules ? I have never been so worried for my daughter's safety, health and happiness as I was during the COVID lockdowns all that time online.

Yes ND brings it's own challenges and risks for sure. That is another huge risk factor for exploitation.