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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it o.k to let your 11 year old daughter hang out on the local park?

341 replies

Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 13:28

Reasonable - Of course it's fine, all the other kids are, can't keep them locked in forever, got to start somewhere, build up trust time, etc

Unreasonable - No way, don't send her to the wolves, she isn't street wise, way too young, gangs of teenagers, creeps and weirdos, county lines, worst place possible to hang out, etc

Hi

Just looking for advice, preferably from parents who have been through this before or are going through it. My daughter is 11 in Yr7 and it's time to give her some more freedom. She's had sleep overs at friends and gone to friends houses etc.

She has a phone and has been walking to and from her new secondary school with her friends so far so has been getting used to that, but not really across the park, just sticking to the streets.

Recently she has been asking to meet with some friends after school on a Friday on the park and we have a few concerns but also don't want to be strict over-bearing parents and realise we need to allow her some time out of the house to just hang around with her friends.

The issue is it's getting darker and as a local urban park usually does, attracts older kids/ teens most likely a bit of dodgy this and that going on, Friday night after dark is not safe I don't think.

She then asked to meet some friends in the day between 2-4 - we said o.k this sounds fine..who are you meeting? Bit of a sketchy answer, umm I think so and so is going, maybe ...then I asked if they could call for her so we know who it is - nope this isn't the plan. Then it turns out she wants to meet a boy in her year group and it is just going to be those two. I feel uncomfortable about this as A) never met him, not sure where he lives or anything - this is a new friend she's met at school...B) She's not yet even tried hanging out with a few of her girl mates on the park yet.

I've said no to this this time until we know who he is and she said they both understand and perhaps mums can swop numbers and arrange something. I don't want to make her feel embarrassed if this is a new boyfriend by monitoring everything and introducing parents and all that..but equally need to know where she is who she is with and safeguard her.

How the hell has this all crept up so soon!!

How does everyone else deal with it. What are your thoughts please

Cheers

OP posts:
Grapesofmildirritation · 30/10/2024 13:32

My ds (same age) went to the local Costa for a hot chocolate with his new girlfriend. Some other kids in the year hang out with new bf or gf in the local park but during daylight hours only and parents usually tracking on “find my” or similar. All the parents know or know of each other so it’s less concern about who the kids are but the wider safety risk, The issue where I live in London is the very real risk of being hassled by older more intimidating kids.

NoKnit · 30/10/2024 13:35

I don't know.

However I can say that my son is 11 and just started secondary too. Yesterday he arranged to meet a girl he has met in her class after school. I didn't think anything odd about it. Surely nothing is going to happen in the middle of the day. I don't know why you've banned it to be honest.

WoodyCoppicePlantationAlmaMater · 30/10/2024 13:36

There's other places they can go to spend time with friends imo.

In my experience, sadly, park hangouts have often led to bullying and gang culture.

Much healthier to join an after school club and make friends there - sea cadets is a great one with so many opportunities and experiences to be had.

user47 · 30/10/2024 13:36

Depends on the park. Where we live a LOT of adult men use the park to groom teenagers and younger into county lines/CSE using vapes.

NoKnit · 30/10/2024 13:37

I'm pretty certain my son doesn't think of this girl as a girlfriend at all.

Dramatic · 30/10/2024 13:38

Yeah it wouldn't bother me at all, my older ones used to hang out at the park at that age

Neveragain35 · 30/10/2024 13:39

It’s tricky but I would say it’s fine, and normal. At that age I always said mine had to be home before dark in the winter- in the summer the curfew was about 7 or 8 depending on where it was. I’ve also always encouraged them to bring mates home, so when I got “can I meet so and so on the park” I’d say “it’s a bit late, but you can invite them
round here to hang out in your room”. I’ll also always pick them up if I can- for me the biggest concern was them
potentially walking home in the dark on their own.

Roastiesarethebestbit · 30/10/2024 13:40

My 11 year old son has been allowed to the park whenever he likes, as long as he’s home by dinner. I’m not keen on him being out in the dark though, so I’m going to have to be less lenient now the clocks have gone back and it’s getting dark so early. He’s just hanging out with boys that I have known for years, so Im not worried about what they are doing, sadly it is the worry of them being harassed by older teens that is my main concern.

Snorlaxo · 30/10/2024 13:40

How would you police this. Say you know that dd is meeting a boy called Oliver - what next ? A name isn’t going to offer any info unless you plan to check for Oliver on her social media and work out what kind of boy he is - eg does he vape?

Yanbu to prefer meetings in daylight and somewhere public like McDonalds but in my experience teens can be flaky and make last minute plans and invite others so it’s not always possible to know who is turning up.

redskydarknight · 30/10/2024 13:41

Depends on the park really. And if it's just after school it's likely to be mostly school children hanging out along with dog walkers, parents with younger children, and joggers. Unless it's a notorious drug den, I'd say this is fine.
I'd attach some rules related to time/amount of light i.e. something like home by x time or when it gets properly dark. I'd also insist on knowing in advance when she was going, when she'd be back and who she was with. At least roughly.

LBOCS2 · 30/10/2024 13:41

My (just) 12yo DD frequently meets friends in the park on a Saturday afternoon - we either walk her up or a friend will call by and they'll go together (it's about 4 minutes away, on the high street). They wander around, play basketball on the courts, sit on the grass and chat - or pop across the road to Costa, the newsagent or supermarket to get snacks and drinks. It's normally between 3 and 10 of them, and they come and go depending on when they need to be back.

Our park is very safe though, well used by local families and the local primary schools have tiny catchment areas so most people going to them are nearby and use the high street. And the kids are generally quite nice children too. I think if those factors weren't the same, we'd maybe have a different view on it all.

AnnaDelvorkina · 30/10/2024 13:43

During daytime for 2 hours I don’t see the harm.

Talk to her about what to do if there are problems e.g. older kids / adults being odd or annoying, if someone is ill or hurt, if the boy does not turn up, if he / others suggest going elsewhere, if she feels uncomfortable.

Original poster
Sammy900 · 30/10/2024 13:46

This is it, I'm torn between allowing her out to hang out with friends for all the benefits and normal social development but the park is a bit dodgy yes, especially at night and I'm worried about older kids really and their influences rather than her own friends.

She is a sensible girl but this is all new. She has said that this new boy is considered to be her boyfriend and they got together a few weeks ago (haha) and have been chatting on the phone, gaming, etc. I'm sure its all very innocent and cute but we haven't met him yet. I also wouldn't be happy about her meeting any other friend we weren't aware of yet at her age. When she's older yes but this is all new at the moment.

Hanging out at a coffee shop might be a nice idea or bowling or something similar for those two together...and then maybe day time on the park once we've met or with bigger groups....

I'm still in two minds

OP posts:
MovingTooFast121 · 30/10/2024 13:47

Daytime for a few hours, fine. Not after dark without knowing exactly who is there, what the plan is, and there being a specific purpose.

I’d be massively surprised at 11 year old’s mums swapping numbers to organise play dates.

SlugLettuce · 30/10/2024 13:48

Such a tricky age! My area is pretty safe, both my dc are a few years older and I have the tracker app on their phones but I still worry sometimes. It’s a difficult balance to strike between encouraging independence / not treating them like babies and not letting them get into situations outside of their maturity levels. Which also don’t improve if we don’t let them out. It’s a dilemma! Grin

TossedSaladandSE · 30/10/2024 13:49

It depends on the park, who she's hanging out with and how safe your area is

My DD started hanging out in the park after Easter when it was warmer and lighter

They left once it got dark and went home

yukikata · 30/10/2024 13:49

The boyfriend thing, I probably wouldn't allow until I'd met him. She's only 11, she knows it's a lot, and the fact she was cagey about it means she knows that you'd be a bit worried with good reason. She was never expecting you to allow that. Suggest you take them bowling/ cinema/ to a cafe or whatever and leave them to it, and pick them up when they're done.

The general idea of hanging out at the park, maybe, but it depends what the local area is like. Around my current area, it would be absolutely fine. But some areas I've lived, there is no way I'd have an 11 year old on the park after dark.

You really just need to scout out the local area a bit and make a judgement as a parent. 11 is still a young child, although they might feel grown up they aren't, she still needs your protection. You don't have to give her all this independence straight away if you're not comfortable.

Saz12 · 30/10/2024 13:53

At 11, for a couple hours on Saturday afternoon... fine, IMO.
I'd not be keen on Friday evening if park dodgy, so just suggest an alternative rather than a hard "no!". Costa or whatever.

NPET · 30/10/2024 13:53

This is SO weird!
I mean I'm 20, and 9 years ago I was hating the fact that my parents were trying to keep a tight rein on me, and of course as an extrovert mouthy 11 year old I defied them and met my mates anyway.
BUT because of that, because I know only too well the creeps who prey on pre-teen girls, because I've suffered myself, I'd now say NO WAY should you let her go to the park, especially if it's not completely light (things that happened to myself & my bff happened when it was beginning to get dark).
Gosh - it's horrible growing up isn't it??

HellofromJohnCraven · 30/10/2024 13:53

To go from never been to a park without an adult to meeting a boy there is a bit of a leap.

Catza · 30/10/2024 13:57

It's a park during the day, I see no reason to stop her. I see kids hanging out in our local park all the time, in groups, in twos and even by themselves.

Errors · 30/10/2024 13:59

I think you are already being over protective. She will never learn to be street wise unless she has experience of stuff like this. I know it’s normal to worry, but I was hanging out before that age in parks etc and I was absolutely fine. You need to trust her and give her some independence or she will never grow up.

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 30/10/2024 14:01

If it was our local park I’d have no issue. But your park sounds more urban and for that reason I wouldn’t like it.

Errors · 30/10/2024 14:03

WoodyCoppicePlantationAlmaMater · 30/10/2024 13:36

There's other places they can go to spend time with friends imo.

In my experience, sadly, park hangouts have often led to bullying and gang culture.

Much healthier to join an after school club and make friends there - sea cadets is a great one with so many opportunities and experiences to be had.

It really isn’t ‘healthier’
Young kids need to be able to explore and do things by themselves. Policing and structuring every minute of their social lives - and always involving adults in their activities is not good for them. They need to learn some independence and resilience.

MushMonster · 30/10/2024 14:25

It is so so difficult OP.
Mine is 16, have gone through the gain independance vs stay safe bit and still working at it.
I would say no to the park in the dark/ night. Yes with several friends together. No with a boy only. No issue with you contacting the mum and arranging a stroll in the park or town or take them to an activity somewhere. You do not need to be stuck to her, but be around.
The important thing is that she is honest with you, that she tells you the truth, what they get up to, if anyone has been doing something dodgy, that she calls you if anything scares or concerns her. You need to keep it to yourself, do not betray her trust if she shares anything with you.
I think all parents have doubts about how to let them gain independance, what is too much, will anything untowards happen... we hesitate and teenagers can smell it from miles away and they can and will milk it! There is where the big arguments happen. Specially if she can play one parent against each other or suvh and such are going. Be firm, take your time to navigate these new waters. Better to embarred child that a hurt one.
It is very tough, but it is also the time you see them blossoming into strong young women and that is lovely.
Aw, get your arguments straight. Because she may ask you to rationalise everything!