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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive a team mate home?

277 replies

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 02:52

I have recently joined a local sports team, as a way of getting some fitness in. The team are nice enough but we still dont really know each other that well.

We have a new person joining our team and they have asked if anyone is able to give them lifts home after each weekly game.
We play in the area i live in, it's a couple mins drive from mine, very handy.

This team member lives in the next town along and it turns out im nearest so i was asked if i could be the person to do it.

I was caught off guard & said it should be fine but really i was thinking no way!

As much as im nearest than the other team members, i still have to drive past my house, and back again.

Honestly i'm not the best at speaking up, plus massive introvert & this just feels like it will ruin my experience, i really am enjoying the game but now don't know how to say no without sounding mean.

I just don't want to
a) feel obligated to do something I don't want to
b) have someone in my car when im all hot & sweaty
C) make small talk
d) go out of my way for someone ive never met!

I don't know, aibu?

How do i get out of this!

OP posts:
MumChp · 30/10/2024 02:58

Say no I won't help.
And don't expect the team to help you out if needed.
It's a couple of minutes?

PeloMom · 30/10/2024 02:59

MumChp · 30/10/2024 02:58

Say no I won't help.
And don't expect the team to help you out if needed.
It's a couple of minutes?

No it’s a couple of mins from OP’s house. Team mate is in the next town

Doingmybest12 · 30/10/2024 03:00

That's crazy to expect you to go out of your way to do this, and how upsetting to have been out on this position. Just say 'really sorry, I've realised this is right out of my way so I can't help' .

PeloMom · 30/10/2024 03:01

Who approached you/ asked you? Go back to them and tell them you were caught off guard and you have commitments after games so you can’t give that person a lift.
YANBU- I can’t believe people are joining things knowing they can’t get to/from themselves.

MumChp · 30/10/2024 03:02

PeloMom · 30/10/2024 02:59

No it’s a couple of mins from OP’s house. Team mate is in the next town

Show quote history

Then just say "can't make it, sorry". Forgotten next week.
A couple of minutes by car? I would most likely walk in good weather so another person shouldn't rely on me for transportation.

AnonymousAge24 · 30/10/2024 03:03

Been in similar position before. I used to drive them to my house and they walked the rest. You should not have to go out of your way for someone else but some people are just extra. You have your own life and if it's an inconvenience then say no. Not easy for being a nice person but it's not your job especially for someone you've just met. Let people get butthurt

GhosterPoster · 30/10/2024 03:06

Yanbu. Did the new person join with no plan of getting home, other than asking for a lift every single time? CF.

‘Sorry I didn’t really have time to process what I was being asked, I won’t be able to do that’

Original poster
everlyevers · 30/10/2024 03:06

Sorry no I confused things, the game is a couple of mins away from me but she lives in a whole other town, i don't know where, possibly 5/10 mins each way.

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 30/10/2024 03:12

Did they offer to pay for the petrol? Because it’s not on your way home and it’s completely out your way it would cost you extra. I honestly don’t think any reasonable person would hold it against you for not wanting to do this.

RawBloomers · 30/10/2024 03:12

You need to go back to the person who asked ASAP and say sorry, they caught you off guard, but actually it's not convenient. Don't make excuses, just be clear you're saying no. If you can, and especially if you find that sort of thing difficult, do it by text or email.

It was really poor on their part to ask you so directly. I would be a little bit wary of them in the future.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/10/2024 03:16

Just want to add that it’s not just about the financial cost to you but also the time cost, an extra 20 minutes of your time. Plus the extra effort. So yanbu to say no.

Quitelikeacatslife · 30/10/2024 03:19

It's hard , but you shouldn't have been asked like that, if you haven't offered. You could say, I'm sorry, but Ive looked into where CF lives and I can't commit to that every week , I don't always go straight home after (you don't have to elaborate) or , I need to get home quickly after, and if really is out of my way. It's different if you were passing of couple of minutes but 20 mins extra not fair.

Borninabarn32 · 30/10/2024 03:29

"Hey sorry, just checked the satnav and Jane's house is way out the way for me, I would actually have to drive right past my own house to drop her off 😅 can someone else see if she's en route for them as I won't be able drive her. See you guys Wednesday xx"

Absolutely don't commit to being someone's free taxi.

marmamumma · 30/10/2024 03:41

You have options here OP

  1. sorry I've just been done for drink driving ( park car around the corner)
  2. Do it once but get the smelliest dog you can find in your car first plus get a smoker to smoke a pack in there and then the worst incense possible lit
  3. Bring along a relative ( DH, DM DC whoever and get them to not stop talking the most random shite they can think of. Can seriously lend you a child who would do it gleefully
  4. Ask yourself in when you drop them off. Turn off the car. Gosh I'm so keen for a cuppa, you got any bikkies? Wander and don't leave for an hour.
  5. Any of those should solve your problem. You just need to be ballsy
  1. What I would actually do - "Oh gosh I'd love to but I have to pick up my uncle every week ( from town far away) as he does U3A. So sorry. And run.
PenelopeSkye · 30/10/2024 03:43

Say no now, messages above are perfect. I relate to the tendency to be a people pleaser- but once you start communicating your boundaries politely but clearly, it gets much easier. If you annoy a few people then they really aren’t people you want in your life.

MeanderingGently · 30/10/2024 03:44

No, don't commit to this at all. All your reasons are valid, it isn't your responsibility to collect/take someone else if you don't want to, I can understand why it would spoil your enjoyment of the whole thing.

But you will need to go back to whoever asked you and explain. Do not get yourself caught up in peculiar excuses about how long/where they are or where you live etc., because you will then have a problem if they suggest a solution (eg. well, they'll pay petrol costs, or they'll wait by the bus stop to make it easier or whatever).

Far better to just say "I was caught off guard when you asked but thinking about it, no, I just can't make this commitment unfortunately, so someone else will need to do it"
If they press the point and say you live the closest, just say "sorry, yes, I know I live nearby but I'm afraid it's not going to work for me, so I'm afraid I can't".
Don't give reasons, stick to the above as that makes it harder for them to come back with arguments to persuade you.

You will feel so much better when you've tackled this, good luck.

Topseyt123 · 30/10/2024 03:46

Tell them that you were caught on the hop with the request but now, having given it some thought, you have realised that it absolutely isn't convenient at all so you won't be committing to being a free taxi service.

Cheeky fuckers for even asking!!

2021x · 30/10/2024 03:55

…. I have looked into it and it doesn’t work for me. Sorry for not saying so at the time.

A couple of times is fine but every time is taking the piss.

Genevieva · 30/10/2024 04:55

Just say while you wanted to be helpful, you have now had time to look at the practicalities and it doesn’t work for you.

FinishTheBook · 30/10/2024 05:09

Just say you can’t do it after all. You don’t need a reason to not to do something for someone else. You’re getting yourself to and from the venue and so should this new person.

Unfortunately, people like you who struggle to speak up are taken advantage of by cheeky fuckers. If anyone is mean, it’s people that do this, not people like you.

Speak up, it’ll get over in minutes and then you can just enjoy what you’re doing.

goldenshred · 30/10/2024 05:18

Wtf?! You don't even know them and they live in the next town! Cheeky fucker!

You're not their mother. Please say no op - they're being ridiculous and taking the piss.

SirHisss · 30/10/2024 05:21

I don't understand why people sign up to these things without being able to get themselves to/from.

I might agree if other team members were happy to take turns but I think it's unfair that they've dumped it all on you when it's clearly still a good bit out of your way. Just say that you didn't realise how put of your way it was and you can't commit to it.

The new person has only asked for a lift home so how are they getting themselves there in the first place?

Ultimately it's not your problem that a grown adult has joined a team that they can't/don't want to sort their own transport to attend.

HelplessSoul · 30/10/2024 05:22

"I was caught off guard & said it should be fine but really i was thinking no way!"

Doesnt sound like you were caught off guard - sounds more like you were not clever enough to say no.

Still, you have enough reasons here to decline - so do it fast and be done with it lest you further lumber yourself with this shit because you weren't adept at saying "no".

Meadowfinch · 30/10/2024 05:34

If it's only a five minute drive, they can walk from yours. Tell them to get an ordinance survey map and check the quickest route on foot.

FinishTheBook · 30/10/2024 05:39

Meadowfinch · 30/10/2024 05:34

If it's only a five minute drive, they can walk from yours. Tell them to get an ordinance survey map and check the quickest route on foot.

Edited

OP doesn't want them in her car at all so they'll have to walk from the venue, which is tough as it's not OPs problem.

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