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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive a team mate home?

277 replies

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 02:52

I have recently joined a local sports team, as a way of getting some fitness in. The team are nice enough but we still dont really know each other that well.

We have a new person joining our team and they have asked if anyone is able to give them lifts home after each weekly game.
We play in the area i live in, it's a couple mins drive from mine, very handy.

This team member lives in the next town along and it turns out im nearest so i was asked if i could be the person to do it.

I was caught off guard & said it should be fine but really i was thinking no way!

As much as im nearest than the other team members, i still have to drive past my house, and back again.

Honestly i'm not the best at speaking up, plus massive introvert & this just feels like it will ruin my experience, i really am enjoying the game but now don't know how to say no without sounding mean.

I just don't want to
a) feel obligated to do something I don't want to
b) have someone in my car when im all hot & sweaty
C) make small talk
d) go out of my way for someone ive never met!

I don't know, aibu?

How do i get out of this!

OP posts:
amusedbush · 30/10/2024 07:20

It’s weird enough that someone would join a club that was difficult for them to get to in the first place, but to join and start asking strangers for (presumably free) weekly lifts?? Brass balls.

Don’t allow yourself to be railroaded here, OP. Just go back and say you’ve realised how far away New Person lives and it won’t be possible.

pinkgrevillea · 30/10/2024 07:23

"Have they downloaded the Uber app?" is a the perfect, ever so slightly passive aggressive but also completely reasonable question to ask.

If I was taking up a sport I would never in a million years ask someone to drive me there and back. Maybe a shared arrangement if we got along well and took turns. But asking a group of strangers to cover your transport is a bit of a red flag to me and I would push back immediately.

GrandHighPoohbah · 30/10/2024 07:23

I would suggest this other person gets a bike and cycles. Giving regular lifts to anyone who isn't directly on your route is an absolute millstone. It's also really off that they asked you directly - they should have asked for volunteers in the whole group. Except of course nobody wants to do it.

GreyCarpet · 30/10/2024 07:26

Humphhhh · 30/10/2024 07:17

You know that's really weird right? To make a minor lie that you then have to absorb into your everyday life and always remember.

There's plenty of suggestions for saying no politely on this thread.

Show quote history

There are but so many of them involve an 'untruth'.

I'm surprised that so many are offering awkward and untrue excuses or suggesting the OP changes her own travel arrangements (which are clearly to suit her regardless of how justified anyone else thinks they are) when the fact of the matter is that it was an unreasonable request in the first place.

I would say I felt put on the spot (which would be true) but that I couldn't do it. I wouldn't give a reason and, tbh, if I was pressed, I think I'd say that people need to sort out their own travel arrangements and not turn up expecting someone else to do it for them. It's coercive because it makes people feel like they can't say no.

It seems to me that in the era of 'be kind' anyone can ask anything of any one without consideration and it's fine but saying no isn't.

It's wrong.

Zanatdy · 30/10/2024 07:27

I’d message the person who asked you and just say sorry on reflection you’re unable to give a lift home to this person as you don’t go directly home each week and you don’t want to commit to something you when many weeks you’d be unable to do it. I must admit I do get sick of people asking for lifts. We have someone in a group i’m in who has to ask every time (2-3 times a week). I wouldn’t dream of joining something which requires you to get somewhere out of town when you don’t drive.

Onelifeonly · 30/10/2024 07:30

Don't make up lies. That's bad advice. Just politely say you can't do it. Don't give reasons, as it invites solutions from the other person (I'll pay you, you can drop me at x point and I'll walk from there or whatever.)

Just saying no, sorry I can't is far more effective and doesn't cause resentment.

BreatheAndFocus · 30/10/2024 07:30

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 03:06

Sorry no I confused things, the game is a couple of mins away from me but she lives in a whole other town, i don't know where, possibly 5/10 mins each way.

Just say you have to get straight home and so won’t be able to drop the team-mate home. Make up a reason if you want to, but basically just keep repeating that and don’t let yourself be persuaded.

FasterMichelin · 30/10/2024 07:33

RawBloomers · 30/10/2024 03:12

You need to go back to the person who asked ASAP and say sorry, they caught you off guard, but actually it's not convenient. Don't make excuses, just be clear you're saying no. If you can, and especially if you find that sort of thing difficult, do it by text or email.

It was really poor on their part to ask you so directly. I would be a little bit wary of them in the future.

I'd do this. Go back to them directly and apologise but you've just realised it's completely out of your way so you're not able to.

If they don't drive, then they should either accept they'll need to use cabs/public transport, or live somewhere more accessible.

You aren't obliged to do this at all and I wouldn't.

Winter2020 · 30/10/2024 07:36

You could say that you hadn’t realised how much you would be going out of your way and you won’t be able to do that every week. You could offer (if you didn’t mind) that if the team want to make a rota then you will be ok to do it every 5 or 6 weeks. You might find that the others can’t be bothered even with that but at least they can’t think you are unreasonable if they can’t be bothered themselves.

If it is a case of you don’t want to give someone you don’t know a lift at all then just say that.

Icedbear · 30/10/2024 07:38

Say no if you can't/don't want to do it.

Personally I would, but then I've made doing favours when a get the opportunity a bit of a thing. People do remember when you've helped them out, it's an opportunity to get to know someone from your team and if you're known as someone who helps out when needed/asked you can easily ask for favours when you need them.

Being a valued part of a team is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't just happen.

dottiedodah · 30/10/2024 07:41

YANBU! Honestly I dont understand how people think its OK to hitch a ride home and not make their own arrangements .Why arent they playing in their own town? Are they friends with the team leader or something.I would just call the leader and explain you just want to go straight home ,get a shower and chill. DONT apologise at all .

yarnbarn · 30/10/2024 07:41

I'm surprised that so many are offering awkward and untrue excuses or suggesting the OP changes her own travel arrangements

This.

There are a lot of weak people on this thread, one poster even offered up several 'excuses' for OP. How utterly weird.

OP it's fine to go back to whoever and just say you do not want to commit to this. It's the very most basic answer to give, nobody needs a cock and bull story about why, just say no

HideousKinky · 30/10/2024 07:43

Say that now you have given it some thought it is not in fact convenient to do this. Say so firmly and don't follow it up by giving reasons because they may then try to argue your reasons away

kkneat · 30/10/2024 07:46

Just ask for petrol money and drive them
home - be kind you might start enjoying the company

Icedbear · 30/10/2024 07:46

I'd do it, but I like helping people out.

I know I do my bit and don't feel obliged if it's inconvenient or uncomfortable for me though. Do not under any circumstances make up an excuse or lie about why you're not going to do it.

WeNindow · 30/10/2024 07:46

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 03:06

Sorry no I confused things, the game is a couple of mins away from me but she lives in a whole other town, i don't know where, possibly 5/10 mins each way.

So just go back and say "sorry now I've looked at it that's not on my way home so I won't be able to do it"
And if any more is said then just repeat.

whatatodoaboutnothing · 30/10/2024 07:49

You could say if they can get to and from your house you’ll take them but due to x/y commitment you don’t have time to collect them or drop them off after?

GhosterPoster · 30/10/2024 07:51

whatatodoaboutnothing · 30/10/2024 07:49

You could say if they can get to and from your house you’ll take them but due to x/y commitment you don’t have time to collect them or drop them off after?

Op, you don’t have to do anything. Nor do you have to ‘be kind’ 🤮

The new person is a massively CF expecting someone else to run them home like a child.

Mellowautumnmists · 30/10/2024 07:52

How are they going to travel to the game each week? Can't they use the same method of transport?

NeedToChangeName · 30/10/2024 07:53

amusedbush · 30/10/2024 07:20

It’s weird enough that someone would join a club that was difficult for them to get to in the first place, but to join and start asking strangers for (presumably free) weekly lifts?? Brass balls.

Don’t allow yourself to be railroaded here, OP. Just go back and say you’ve realised how far away New Person lives and it won’t be possible.

I think it's ok for a new person to ask if anyone can give a lift. I wouldn't mind taking someone who walked to my house, arrived punctually, walked home from my house afterwards and gave ne a Christmas gift to say thank you

But, would be cheeky for anyone to expect a lift, or challenge OP for declining

CheekySwan · 30/10/2024 07:57

Just do it once and then tell them its too much and you have other commitments after your game

wiesowarum · 30/10/2024 08:03

I'd just say something like 'I've had a wee think about it. I felt I had to say yes to the lifts when asked, but it's actually not going to work out as a regular thing. I might be nearer than some of you, but it's still out of my way. I'll happily do my share if others are happy to do the same.'

Also, who starts a new hobby and immediately expects others to give them lifts?

Cakefolk · 30/10/2024 08:04

Yes don't make something up. I'd probably do it once then tell them it's out of your way or ask them exactly where they live then decline with it's past your house out of your way.

Maria1979 · 30/10/2024 08:09

Why don't you propose that you all take turns driving her home? Just say that you are happy to do it sometimes but not every time. Or the person who proposed to drive her could do all the rides. I would never start an activity if I didn't have a plan how to go home. Are there buses? I don't have a car but don't rely on other people. I walk/take public transport.

thegirlwithemousyhair · 30/10/2024 08:12

Doingmybest12 · 30/10/2024 03:00

That's crazy to expect you to go out of your way to do this, and how upsetting to have been out on this position. Just say 'really sorry, I've realised this is right out of my way so I can't help' .

Thumbs up.