To not drive a team mate home?

[everlyevers]

I have recently joined a local sports team, as a way of getting some fitness in. The team are nice enough but we still dont really know each other that well.

We have a new person joining our team and they have asked if anyone is able to give them lifts home after each weekly game.
We play in the area i live in, it's a couple mins drive from mine, very handy.

This team member lives in the next town along and it turns out im nearest so i was asked if i could be the person to do it.

I was caught off guard & said it should be fine but really i was thinking no way!

As much as im nearest than the other team members, i still have to drive past my house, and back again.

Honestly i'm not the best at speaking up, plus massive introvert & this just feels like it will ruin my experience, i really am enjoying the game but now don't know how to say no without sounding mean.

I just don't want to
a) feel obligated to do something I don't want to
b) have someone in my car when im all hot & sweaty
C) make small talk
d) go out of my way for someone ive never met!

I don't know, aibu?

How do i get out of this!

But sometimes I choose to do something just because it's a couple of minutes away - and I've also been in this situation. You end up driving literally all round the houses to do someone else a favour, when the original idea was to have a really quick, simple journey.

Also - while I do car share all the time because I'm a bit of a mug, you then lose the freedom to some extent to decide whether you're going to attend the meetings. You end up feeling an obligation to the others - whether it's justified or not.

I give a lift to someone at my club quite frequently. Tbf she doesn't often ask, it's only when her husband can't take her, but I offer when I remember to save him the trip. It did mean that when I broke my hand and couldn't drive for a while, I had no qualms asking if he'd take me too for a bit.

She also baked cakes for DH's funeral.

I really do believe favours make the world go round.

What a nasty, spiteful comment. It’s nothing to do with being clever or not.
It is perfectly normal to be caught on the hop, and answer like this.
Also, some people are people pleasers and struggle with this kind of interaction.

op - YADNBU, your reasons are valid. Just be honest and say you hadn’t realised how out of the way it is.

The trouble with this is that when you have done it once it becomes even harder to say no. Compose a message and send it now. The awkwardness belongs to the person who put you on the spot so hand it straight back.

You could say you thought they were just asking about giving a lift on one occasion, which you’d be happy to do, but have now realised they meant every week, which is not something you can commit to.

This isn’t the point, but why drive rather than walk or cycle or whatever when it’s only a couple of minutes? Seems a bit perverse when you’re doing the sport because you’re trying to get fit…

All the distances involved are so short! I don’t know why either of you need to involve a car, unless there’s a lot of kit involved.

I drive because otherwise I'm walking home in the dark.

What a palaver all those lies and intricate scenario to avoid telling the truth? Ballsy? You’re recommending avoidant made up lies & scenarios worthy of a sitcom to actually avoid an uncomfortable conversation
Just say no. That is enough. No lies. No dogs. No uncles. No prolonged sitting on sofa munching biscuits

Just speak to them. “So sorry, I was caught off guard last week. I hadn’t realised you live in X; I actually only live 2mins down the road, so I’m not even planning on driving myself here every week so can’t take you home at all. Perhaps ask again for anyone who lives in X or beyond.”

You missed e) Not wanting someone hot and sweaty in your own car, because if they get as sweaty as some people I know, your seats will get yucky really quickly!

Like pulling off a plaster, the build up to saying no will hopefully be the worst part.

If it’s a sports thing is the new person particularly good at it? Could someone in the team have encouraged them to come along, saying I’m sure someone will give you a lift home. It may not be the new person who is a CF. I’ve had experience of something similar where the team member invited someone along and then expected everyone/ someone to facilitate it, it was somewhere that buses stopped running to at 7pm so the new person could get there but not then get themselves home.

Lots of good messages above you could send to say why you can’t give a lift.

I think it’s slightly cheeky to join a new club and then expect others to ferry you to and fro!

Time to give assertive and send that message. The sooner you do it, the better you’ll feel. You’re not under any obligation to provide a taxi service for her.

( How is she getting to the venue?)

A favour is different to an ongoing commitment.

She doesn't know anything about this person. She barely knows their first name.

If it's a couple of minutes from your house, can't you walk there?
If not, get someone to drop you there and walk home.

I think this person has a bit of a cheek. Why would you join a club you can’t get to?

❓️❓️❓️

@HelplessSoul

'Doesnt sound like you were caught off guard - sounds more like you were not clever enough to say no.

Still, you have enough reasons here to decline - so do it fast and be done with it lest you further lumber yourself with this shit because you weren't adept at saying "no".'

Did you mean to be so rude.

My rule is that if I'm asked to do something, unless I know certainly that it's OK with me, I reply, "Not sure. I'll let you know," and that gives me time to consider fopr however long I need to.

@Maria1979 's comment seems sensible.

"Why don't you propose that you all take turns driving her home? Just say that you are happy to do it sometimes but not every time."

You can say you don't know going forward if you'll always be going straight home after and need the flexibility but don't mind giving them a lift sometimes and sharing it out.

People shouldn't really shove the responsibility onto just one person for an ongoing commitment they didn't sign up for. It's easy to think it's not a big deal if it's not you that's doing it. On the other hand it could appear a bit mean not to help out at all. If its two minutes down the road for you and picking up this person makes it more like 10, that's quite a big difference. Two minutes does seem walkable like some said, although that isn't really the point.

I would tell them it’s out of your way which it is. It’s up to them to sort getting home.

Just bite the bullet and say no and next time you are put in an awkward situation, say no immediately.

How does this person get to the venue in the first place? Very cheeky to expect someone else to be their personal chauffer - especially a random stranger who they have just met!

Just send a message to the group chat saying there has been a misunderstanding, that you don't live in X's town so wouldn't be going in that direction, and you've now checked google maps and realised how far it is from where you live. If you are feeling kind you could suggest a rota. It's not clear btw who asked you - was it the new team member themselves or some do-good busy body who didn't volunteer their own time but yours?

Why do people always suggest lying?
Don't lie.
Just say that you're sorry you agreed to do this, but you can't, because it's very inconvenient for you.