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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not drive a team mate home?

277 replies

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 02:52

I have recently joined a local sports team, as a way of getting some fitness in. The team are nice enough but we still dont really know each other that well.

We have a new person joining our team and they have asked if anyone is able to give them lifts home after each weekly game.
We play in the area i live in, it's a couple mins drive from mine, very handy.

This team member lives in the next town along and it turns out im nearest so i was asked if i could be the person to do it.

I was caught off guard & said it should be fine but really i was thinking no way!

As much as im nearest than the other team members, i still have to drive past my house, and back again.

Honestly i'm not the best at speaking up, plus massive introvert & this just feels like it will ruin my experience, i really am enjoying the game but now don't know how to say no without sounding mean.

I just don't want to
a) feel obligated to do something I don't want to
b) have someone in my car when im all hot & sweaty
C) make small talk
d) go out of my way for someone ive never met!

I don't know, aibu?

How do i get out of this!

OP posts:
SuziQuinto · 30/10/2024 08:48

6pence · 30/10/2024 08:46

Just bite the bullet and say no and next time you are put in an awkward situation, say no immediately.

This.

Iliketulips · 30/10/2024 08:48

Have you even met this person?

If it's only a couple of minutes drive, it should be walkable for you (unless you've got a disability/are older of course) - I'd be walking it anyway, but you could always start walking sometimes yourself - that way you'll suddenly not have the car to give them a lift. An alternative is to say, I live in x Road, do you want me to drop you off in y Road so it's a shorter walk or at the end of mine?

Copperoliverbear · 30/10/2024 08:49

Start walking to the game if it's only a walk away.

Schoolchoicesucks · 30/10/2024 08:49

It's a team sport. Teams work together and rely on one another to achieve a common goal. It isn't extraordinarily cheeky for someone to ask for a favour from a team mate (expecting a favour is different). Some people would be absolutely fine with that and welcome the opportunity to help out and get to know the other person better. Others would find it akward and an inconvenience. They need to be able to politely extract themselves - agreeing as a one-off, or quickly flagging up that actually after checking the route you've realised that it won't be possible after all.
Coming up with an elaborate lie and/or calling the person a cf or weird for joining a sport without their own transport is just absurd.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 30/10/2024 08:52

Who took it upon themselves to ask you? Somebody else on their behalf?

purplebeansprouts · 30/10/2024 08:53

Iloveewanthesheep · 30/10/2024 05:43

If you want to be kind, I'd just say I'm sorry I misunderstood the request I thought it was a one off (and do to the one and only time for their first time coming to be welcoming) and then say but you won't be able to do afterwards as it will add xx more into your journey/petrol and you haven't got the time after the games.

This is a good idea. It saves face. You agreed to it, so you need to do it really.

Work on not saying yes to things you don't want to do. If you'd said no initially you wouldn't now be in this position of having to turn round and say no which I would argue is actually more difficult to navigate.

purplebeansprouts · 30/10/2024 08:54

Hadtocomment · 30/10/2024 08:42

@Maria1979 's comment seems sensible.

"Why don't you propose that you all take turns driving her home? Just say that you are happy to do it sometimes but not every time."

You can say you don't know going forward if you'll always be going straight home after and need the flexibility but don't mind giving them a lift sometimes and sharing it out.

People shouldn't really shove the responsibility onto just one person for an ongoing commitment they didn't sign up for. It's easy to think it's not a big deal if it's not you that's doing it. On the other hand it could appear a bit mean not to help out at all. If its two minutes down the road for you and picking up this person makes it more like 10, that's quite a big difference. Two minutes does seem walkable like some said, although that isn't really the point.

I wasn't shoved on to her she was asked and agreed

yeaitsmeagain · 30/10/2024 08:56

Since you're trying to get fitness in, why don't you just walk there and back? It's also much better for the environment if it's only a couple of mins drive for you, saves you money, and gets you out of this. It's a win win win.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 30/10/2024 08:56

Ask them if they'll be paying you in cash or if they want your bank details.

If you're going to be a taxi, you should get paid.

Or tell them you will take them as far as your house but you aren't going past your house to the next town and back again every week.

CoffeeCantata · 30/10/2024 08:59

I really do believe favours make the world go round.

I agree to some extent, IcedBear, but it's not always as simple as that:

-it's not on when others nominate you to do the favour
-when the whole reason you're doing something is because the journey is short and easy for you. I once joined a choir because it was 10 mins away, but ended up picking up/ferrying around 3 other people and the whole thing became a tedious chore - partly because they were all retired, and when we got to their houses on the return journey, the chatty buggers wouldn't get out of the ruddy car. I was getting home past midnight so I left and joined another choir and didn't offer any lifts!
-if it's a complete stranger - of course most of us would help a friend out. a) it's -cheeky for stranger to join a hobby group and expect others to provide transport for them and b) naturally it's a different situation taking a stranger in your car.
-I'm always cool with doing a one-off favour for almost anyone - but getting locked into a long-term obligation is a different matter.

BabyCloud · 30/10/2024 08:59

A two minute drive could be a 30 min walk. Plus the dark nights are here, the bad weather is setting in. Why should OP change for a stranger?

recklessgran · 30/10/2024 09:04

If you only live a couple of minutes away just walk and tell person who wanted lift - sorry haven't got the car today.

Saharafordessert · 30/10/2024 09:04

I’d definitely just walk there…..you’re trying to reduce your carbon footprint right!

morningtoncrescent62 · 30/10/2024 09:05

I'm coming to this as a non-driver (disability-related reasons). It's frustrating to have your life limited by availability of public transport, and it would be nice to help this person out. I would suggest asking that the team works together to support them to take part. I don't think it's fair that you should be turned into an unpaid taxi every week doing a journey that's significantly out of your way, but I also think that team-mates help each other out. Presumably you're not the nearest by loads as you're only a couple of minutes' drive from the venue. There must be others who live close to the venue, who would also have to drive to the next town and back. How about saying something like, "Oh, I'm so sorry, when I agreed I thought it was a one-off which was absolutely fine. I can't commit to doing it every week because I have other plans, so could we look at three or four of us taking it in turns?" If no-one steps up to the plate, politely decline to do it weekly, but offer to help out on an occasional basis.

niadainud · 30/10/2024 09:07

pinkgrevillea · 30/10/2024 07:23

"Have they downloaded the Uber app?" is a the perfect, ever so slightly passive aggressive but also completely reasonable question to ask.

If I was taking up a sport I would never in a million years ask someone to drive me there and back. Maybe a shared arrangement if we got along well and took turns. But asking a group of strangers to cover your transport is a bit of a red flag to me and I would push back immediately.

It also has a subtext of, "I'm not a fucking free taxi service."

GoldenPheasant · 30/10/2024 09:11

everlyevers · 30/10/2024 03:06

Sorry no I confused things, the game is a couple of mins away from me but she lives in a whole other town, i don't know where, possibly 5/10 mins each way.

If it's a couple of minutes away from you, I suggest you start walking or cycling.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 30/10/2024 09:15

You'll have to be honest and say sorry you were caught off guard and agreed on the spur of the moment, but you need to get home to your family and can't commit to giving her a lift.
I can understand somebody hoping for a lift in these circumstances. As a non-driver I might have gone along to one session and just asked if anyone lived close to me and whether they would mind giving me a lift to their place so I could walk home from there. But I wouldn't have put anyone on the spot and would hate to get a lift from someone who wasn't pleased to do it.

Lifestooshort71 · 30/10/2024 09:16

Wow. A lot of team spirit going on here! If it was an individual sport then yes, I'd do it the once but explain that doing it regularly doesn't work for you - no excuses needed. As for the suggestions to walk to get out of it....that really is a pathetic, why should OP want to do that!

However, it is a team sport which shines a different light on it and I'd feel inclined to cut out the middle man and speak directly to the new member and (unless they had unbearable halitosis) offer them a lift just to your house - "Hello, I'm Sally and I live in the High Street - would giving you a lift that far be of any help?"

GoldenPheasant · 30/10/2024 09:17

Those suggesting the OP.changes her existing plans and walk/cycle instead are spectacularly missing the point 🙄

Not really. She doesn't need to change her practice forever, just till it's established that she's off the hook for lifts. In fact, she could just park a little bit further away.

Delatron · 30/10/2024 09:17

Arrrghhh stop suggesting the OP walks! She’s just played sport, it’s dark, she’ll be sweaty and will just want to get home quickly. Nobody knows the route she has to take. Why should she change her plans??

Anyway, no need to lie OP. They shouldn’t be asking you to drive to the next town and back. The truth is it’s too far out of your way and you can’t do it. That ends the discussion.
I would never ask this of someone. She needs to work out how to get herself back.

yarnbarn · 30/10/2024 09:18

@GoldenPheasant

Not really. She doesn't need to change her practice forever, just till it's established that she's off the hook for lifts.

She can use words for that.

Supperlite · 30/10/2024 09:20

Aren’t they on the way to someone else’s house? Just say you would be happy to occasionally but not every week as the main reason you attend is that it’s within easy commuting distance for you. If you have to drive around town every week, you’d rather not come as it is too tiring for you.

Maddy70 · 30/10/2024 09:22

Sorry i now realise that it isnt on my way howm. I thought it was so im unable to give you a lift

GreyCarpet · 30/10/2024 09:22

Copperoliverbear · 30/10/2024 08:49

Start walking to the game if it's only a walk away.

Why?

Lemonadeand · 30/10/2024 09:24

Don’t join a new team without thinking how you are going to get to training then rely on people for lifts! This really isn’t your problem.

Just say, “Sorry I’ve realised this isn’t going to work for me, actually.”