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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Why are all MILs so horrible?

289 replies

Janey638 · 29/10/2024 18:13

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

OP posts:
Barney16 · 29/10/2024 21:03

I didn't really like my first but that was mainly my fault. Second MIL I tried a lot harder and I miss her very much.

YakinikuGal · 29/10/2024 21:03

My husband and I are interracial couple and I don't speak English fluently. But my MIL is always nice to me. She gives me a birthday present every year and I'm so grateful to have her as my MIL.

Fedupmumofadultsons · 29/10/2024 21:05

I think I am a good mil get on good with dil we have a relationship outside my son .I am always on hand for grandaughters
I never tell her how to parent no matter what I think .I am always aware the relationship could turn so always try my upmost to be there but never pushy .I adore my son and grandaughters but are aware dil is key to me being in there .

StripeyDeckchair · 29/10/2024 21:05

My first MIL was the bitch from hell. She made it clear from the moment we met that she wasn't going to like me and was a significant factor in our marriage breakdown.
Her useless shit of a son (my ex) disappeared out of his children's lives when they were 3 & has never paid a penny of maintenance so the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

My current MIL is wonderful.
DHs dad died before we met & he is an only child so she could have been overpowering but she's so far from it.
She stays in contact
She sends thoughtful presents
She mucks in when she visits & organises things to do for herself & with the kids

MozartsMothballs · 29/10/2024 21:06

IreneGoodnight · 29/10/2024 20:01

Same here.
Losing my very sweet MIL (all three of her children were boys) was my one regret about my first marriage ending. I know that she was upset about the situation as well.

My MIL was upset too when ExH left.

It was lovely to see her at a recent family event. I really miss her.

5128gap · 29/10/2024 21:07

CurlewKate · 29/10/2024 20:09

You could just as easily say "Why are all DILs so horrible?"

Because as far as I can see it's six of one and half a dozen on here.

They're the same people. The DiLs who are possessive over their husbands, seeing other women in his life as rivals, and engage in power play in their families are 25 years away from being the MiLs who do the exact same.

SleepQuest33 · 29/10/2024 21:10

i can honestly say that my mum in law is one of the kindest, loveliest people I have ever met. In 25 years since I’ve been with DH not once has she made me well unwelcome or unloved.

if I am ever lucky enough to be a mum in law I will always think about her (and my mum actually) about how to be. I guess I was very lucky!

Pinksmyfavoritecolour · 29/10/2024 21:11

My mil was lovely and listened to me and my worries far more than my mum does, I miss her.
I adore my son's girlfriend she's amazing, I hope she likes me too, she's makes my son happy, that's all that matters to me.

ZoeCM · 29/10/2024 21:12

Men have always hated their mothers-in-law even more than women do. Mother-in-law jokes used to be a staple for male comedians - they've only been phased out because of political correctness. My kids and I watched an episode of the 90s sitcom Dinosaurs the other day - it was about a ritual where men hurled their mothers-in-law off a cliff when they turned 72. Society in general despises older women.

NeedToGetOutOfThisSomehow · 29/10/2024 21:13

Love mine. Both my ils are fantastic. They would help in a flash with no matter what , whether a job needing help with or childcare. They've never ever interfered. Always offer Sunday dinner especially in school holidays as they know kids been off and by the weekend I'm frazzled.

pinkstripeycat · 29/10/2024 21:15

My MIL was awful. Bossy, interfering alcoholic. She even told DH that I’d taken him away from her despite him living in a different county for 8 years before he met me and he rarely went home!

She died when my children were small (they’re adults now). I felt sorry for DH but I know if she’d been around when DC were growing up she’d have been a nightmare. Also with her gone and not constantly shoving booze in his face, DH got help for his alcohol problem.

After she died I found out she’d been mean to loads of her friends when she was drunk.

Bunnycat101 · 29/10/2024 21:17

I think there are mainly conflicts when the mil is bossy and expects their way or the high way. I suspect a lot of men just do what they’re told for an easy life in their 20s and then you get this clash where they marry and the mil can’t cope with not having her way 100% of the time because the dil doesn’t want the same dynamic. You see this scenario play out in so many of the posts on mumsnet.

I imagine many of the wonderful mils accept that their sons are independent adults and by extension have more of an equal relationship from a younger age.

StMarieforme · 29/10/2024 21:19

They're not. You read about bad ones on here. And some DILs are horrible.

StMarieforme · 29/10/2024 21:20

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/10/2024 18:18

My husband is one of three boys and we are all very close to my lovely MIL.

I have 3 boys and am close to my DILs 😊

Dreamerinme · 29/10/2024 21:21

Calliopespa · 29/10/2024 20:42

Why are all MILs said to be narcissistic ?

Is it something that happens in utero when carrying a boy? Because lots of men think their mil is fine🤷🏻‍♀️

What? I never said all MIL are narcissistic? My own DM was but my MIL was lovely.

Portakalkedi · 29/10/2024 21:29

Don't hate mine but we don't really see eye to eye, and I don't love her ( and she no doubt feels the same about me). We are perfectly pleasant to each other but that's it, DH calls her every day and visits every couple of weeks, and I go with him several times a year. Not looking forward to her staying here at Christmas, but DH and I always have to do Christmas as SIL visits her own mother even less than I do ( and is of course spoken of as the favoured child who can do no wrong).

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 29/10/2024 21:31

Icedbear · 29/10/2024 18:17

My feelings aren't real? OK

The "They aren't" comment was clearly in response to the OP's title, not you.

5128gap · 29/10/2024 21:37

ZoeCM · 29/10/2024 21:12

Men have always hated their mothers-in-law even more than women do. Mother-in-law jokes used to be a staple for male comedians - they've only been phased out because of political correctness. My kids and I watched an episode of the 90s sitcom Dinosaurs the other day - it was about a ritual where men hurled their mothers-in-law off a cliff when they turned 72. Society in general despises older women.

The men hating their MiL trope usually arose from the MiL painted as a formidable force protecting her DD from the husband's failings and not being afraid to challenge him. The MiL was the woman who challenged his mastery of his own house to defend her DDs interests, and was hated for it. Like all women who criticise men. Similar to the carry on Matron protecting the young nurses and being feared and despised by the men for it. You don't see this stereotype as much these days, which may be because younger women are now more confident and assertive so there is less need for the protective older woman. We now having the 'nagging wife' who fights her own corner.

dontbedaft2000 · 29/10/2024 21:45

Janey638 · 29/10/2024 18:13

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

Don't be daft. Nobody has ever said a MIL is overbearing for "wanting to hold a new baby" though some have been upset at their MIL charging through their front door and kissing their baby when asked not to, or bossing them around when it comes to feeding, or grabbing the baby and leaving the room when a new mother is lying there exhausted and teary. And etc.

Some do say their MIL is remote, they're generally told that an MIL can have any life they want.

The threads you see on here are unlikely to be "My MIL is great" because after all people are posting problems. Start a "My MIL is great thread" post all the things she does and see if people join in.

Though again, as this is basically an agony aunt site with thousands of wannabe agony aunts commenting, you probably won't get as much traction.

And contrary to popular fables, lots of MILs have great lives that just don't revolve much around what their grandchildren or dils are getting up to, and you're hardly going to hear from or about them.

As to the wider issue - the only area women have ever held any historical power - and not always then - is in child rearing/family units.

Women are constantly encouraged to compete with one another for any available attention and power, this is a society wide issue and has been encouraged by everything from "jokes" and movies to comments within families, so naturally when they see their tiny scrap of perceived power diminished some will react badly.

If you can keep women arguing and unhappy with one another they won't band together to try to change things like those annoying Suffragettes did. See Afghanistan right now, where women are enslaved and literally told they cannot even speak to each other. Women cooperating can be dangerous for the status quo.

So, it's in the status quo's favour to encourage women to attack other women and society does this in many ways.

And women are almost without exception an easier and weaker target than men, so many women will fight amongst themselves rather than trying to get their husbands/fathers/brothers to change or improve.

Lots of men enjoy watching their female relatives fight with one another, it amuses them and reinforces their backwards notions about women generally.

Men as a collective are often extremely aggressive to one another, but this is a site dominated by women so you won't hear as much about that.

And a lot of men don't care what women are doing to one another unless it affects them, so just leave them to it - meaning a woman has no back up from her husband/father/brothers and will write to sites like this instead to try to figure things out.

So, basically, there are many interwoven reasons why you will read about MILs behaving badly here. And none of them are "MIL wants to hold the baby".

JohnTheRevelator · 29/10/2024 21:48

I'm a MIL of 18 years standing. My son-in-law tolerates me as I do him. When he and my DD first got together,he was lovely to me,but as time went on,his attitude changed,and by the time he and my DD had their baby (3.5 years after they met) we were barely speaking to each other. I've always been very close to my DD, particularly with her being an only child and me being a single parent from when she was 11 years old,and her father walked out on his because he was having an affair. I am certain that the reason for the animosity between me and son-in-law is because he couldn't handle the fact that there was someone else in my DDs life,who loved and cared about her as much as he did. My DD has actually agreed with me that this is the reason for his attitude towards me. Thankfully,DD and I are still close despite her husband's attitude towards me, and I am extremely close to my DGD.

NewName24 · 29/10/2024 21:52

why-are-all-mils-so-horrible

They aren't.

What a ridiculous question.

bellocchild · 29/10/2024 21:53

My MIL, sadly dead these ten years, was wonderful too: loving and giving. And a brilliant grandma. My own DM was beyond hopeless.

ACynicalDad · 29/10/2024 21:54

Mine doesn't speak English so we muddle by but get on well, she shows her love by cooking for me. Whilst the relationship is limited there's no hate on either side, far from it.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 29/10/2024 21:55

No one would bother to write a post about a lovely one

perfectstorm · 29/10/2024 22:13

I think people just post when they have problems, not "my MIL is a really nice woman." I mean, it's not something they need to say, is it, when it's going well.

It's a bit like reviews - they skew to extremes and generally poor experiences, because "I bought a perfectly nice sofa, everything went well, it's comfortable, end of story" isn't inspiring people to hunt down review sites and share their thoughts, whereas a disaster is.

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