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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why are all MILs so horrible?

289 replies

Janey638 · 29/10/2024 18:13

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

OP posts:
SardinesOnGingerbread · 21/10/2025 06:17

Oh, that's ok, I have a horrible mother. Just for balance, you understand.

Rayah · 21/10/2025 06:20

Allinarow48 · 21/10/2025 00:53

Honestly? More than half the time its the Daughters-in -Law who are the problem.

I was going to say this. We only ever get one side of the story on here and I'd be inclined to say half the time it's the DIL too.

I absolutely adore my MIL, I always think I've won the jackpot with my in-laws. I couldn't wait for them both times to see my children and witness the joy of them meeting their grandchildren. My SIL who is my husbands brothers wife also gets on great with my MIL.

In fact in real life, most people I know overwhelming get on with their in-laws.

Kidsgotothatschool · 21/10/2025 06:22

I love BOTH of my mums! Wouldn’t be without them. My MIL is a fabulous person who I honestly couldn’t be without as she keeps me afloat trying to juggle life!

00deed1988 · 21/10/2025 06:24

Mine is a horrible narcissistic bitch. Went no contact last year. However my step nan was amazing (step dad's mum) to me and my mum. My great grandmother was amazing to all her in laws, they all called her mum. I have 2 boys, determined to be the best MIL ever.

Purpleturtle45 · 21/10/2025 06:27

Girlmum2024 · 29/10/2024 18:14

I LOVE mine. More than anyone in the world and more than my own mum. She is amazing!

Same

Rayah · 21/10/2025 06:39

Janey638 · 29/10/2024 18:13

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

And if anyone thinks that an MIL is overbearing for wanting to hold their own grandchild then I think the problem lies with the DIL not the MIL.

It's not a concept I understand. I have a baby and I can't give him to my in-laws or my parents fast enough to hold when I see them. They always ask to give him a bottle too which is a double win in my book. Gives me longer hands free to enjoy a coffee in peace!

LoudSnoringDog · 21/10/2025 07:24

My MIL is wonderful

Cookiecrumblepie · 21/10/2025 07:25

Unfortunately mine is hateful. Jealous, nasty and domineering. I have tried to get on with her to no avail, oh and she’s racist too. But it’s not just me, she has no friends and lives through her children who are increasingly being suffocated note that they are older. It’s difficult because DILs are forced to interact with vile MILs with whom they have no friendship.

HelenaWaiting · 21/10/2025 07:26

I adore my DIL, so I hope she's not secretly thinking I'm a proper witch.

Rayah · 21/10/2025 07:29

NinevehBabylon · 29/10/2024 18:53

This could be explained by using evolutionary psychology. Paternal grandparents are the least invested in their son’s children because historically, paternity would have been less certain. The least invested person is the paternal grandfather, then paternal grandmother. The most invested person would be the woman’s mother, siblings and then father.

That means your own mum will never judge you but your MIL won’t be very certain about your character and will behave more like a stranger.

This is the complete opposite in my case. My own siblings show zero interest in my children and haven't met my youngest. My husbands siblings are fantastic auntie and uncles and his dad is a wonderful, invested grandfather.

My own parents are wonderful but I'd definitely say my mum was more opinionated and judgmental than my own MIL.

Lex345 · 21/10/2025 07:56

I loved my MIL and miss her terribly since she died, same with FIL.

I do read some horror stories on here though!

Mama2many73 · 21/10/2025 08:00

Girlmum2024 · 29/10/2024 18:14

I LOVE mine. More than anyone in the world and more than my own mum. She is amazing!

100% agree. Mine is a very loving, caring woman (more than my own DM). I have a wonderful relationship with her .

LondonLady1980 · 21/10/2025 08:06

My MIL was amazing!!!!!

Such a wonderful lady who welcomed me into the family as soon as she met me.

When she passed away I was devastated but I was asked to speak about her at her funeral which was very special. I miss her very much and I hate the fact our children have had to grow up without her in their lives.

You mention never hearing anything bad about maternal mums….. well that’s because this site is probably 95% female. I’m sure if you found a site that was 95% male you’d find a LOT of posts from men moaning about the wife’s mother!

5128gap · 21/10/2025 08:07

It happens when all the horrible DiLs get older and their sons get married.

Elsvieta · 21/10/2025 08:29

Most mn users are heterosexual women, so obviously most of the MILs being moaned about are going to be mothers of sons. If this was a site for men we'd see more moaning about mothers of daughters. And nobody posts to say "everything's cool, no problems", in relation to MILs or anything else.

And there's a lot of women on MN complaining about how their own mothers are awful. Because some people, of both sexes, are. Crappy people exist, and a lot of them are some poor sod's parent or PIL.

Chipsahoy · 21/10/2025 08:39

I love mine. I find her calming and down to earth. I find that all my stress melts away around her. She’s the best.

CurlewKate · 21/10/2025 08:49

On a more serious note. I think that you should aim for cordial, and anything else is a bonus. I get on well with my mil, but we are different generations, politics, level of education-the list goes on . It would be amazing if we were friends. She and I only have a very short shared history. She is a great mum and a great grandmother- her primary relationship is with her son and her grandchildren. They are the ones with the shared history. I do my bit towards facilitating that relationship. Apart from that, as I said, we’re very cordial towards each other and it would be a bit unreasonable to expect anything more. I know for some people their mil is like a second mother to them, but I do think that’s quite unusual.

WildFlowerBees · 21/10/2025 09:14

My dh mum died when he was a young adult, she sounded so lovely I’d love to have got the chance to be her dil. Dh says my mum was a lovely MIL, sadly now neither of us have our mums. My mum just never interfered never expected anything and was so happy I’d married such a lovely person, she was the best mum so I knew she would be a great MIL. Both are greatly missed.

andfinallyhereweare · 21/10/2025 09:29

Mine is great and my own mum was a wonderful MIL to my SIL (my sil would be the first to say this).

Lndnmummy · 22/10/2025 23:54

Mine is wonderful. I love her to bits and can't imagine life or our family without her in it. She has been more of a mum to me than my own mother has.

AliasGrape · 23/10/2025 00:09

I like my mother in law just fine. I’m not going to be one of the posters gushing that I love her more than my own mum, I don’t. We’re not going to have a mother/ daughters type relationship - I lost my own mum a long time ago and met DH in my mid 30s/ didn’t have DD till 40 so I was probably a bit too fully formed to need that type of input/ support/ relationship with her. We get on, she’s a good person - but like with all of DH’s family just very different to me and my family and I don’t ever feel fully relaxed, they frustrate me no end at times and I probably do them but we’re all far too polite to say anything and we’re all good people who love DH and love DD.

I have no problem believing that there are a great many awful MILs out there - there’s a great many awful people, damaged people, difficult people and many of them will go on to become mothers and therefore MILs. How weird of the previous posters to say they don’t believe there’s that many - of course there is, just like there’s that many bad husbands, bad doctors, bad teachers or police officers or whatever. And yes there’s probably that many terrible DILs too.

It’s weird to take it personally and I find it odd when people are saying ‘it’s more likely to be the DIL’ - why is it more likely? Based on what evidence? It happens when they pile on a thread of a woman who is having real issues to be all ‘justice for Mothers In Law, it’s probably your fault!’ It’s a really strange defensiveness and projection going on.

Calliopespa · 23/10/2025 00:12

Allinarow48 · 21/10/2025 00:53

Honestly? More than half the time its the Daughters-in -Law who are the problem.

I agree.

And I'm a dil not a mil.

AliasGrape · 23/10/2025 00:14

Also, my mum was an amazing mum and a bloody saint to me and my siblings, but I can see she was a bit more prickly with my SIL. Now my SIL is also not always the easiest person to get on with - I like her a lot but we’ve had our moments - so maybe it could just be down to clash of personalities.

But also there was some typical ‘my precious boy’ stuff going on too with my mum. Or she’d moan about SIL if they weren’t coming for Christmas or didn’t call enough - my sisters and I did point out to her that it was her son she should be taking it up with. My mum was a lovely woman and an amazing mum, and actually a really good MIL in some ways but I could see flashes of the stuff that people complain about on threads on here - it’s not so hard for me to believe that there’s lots of other MILs like that and worse.

JudgeJ · 23/10/2025 10:45

Janey638 · 29/10/2024 18:13

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

It's MN, it's written from the point of view of perfect DILs who think that once she has a ring on her finger then she is number one and her husband only has one family whereas not only does is he expected to ditch his birth family, he has to accept his MIL without question!
There are probably as many awful DILs an there are awful MILs.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/10/2025 10:50

One of my DILs is expecting. I've already warned her that she's going to hate me when the baby arrives and she will find everything I do and say irritating. But it won't last and by the time the baby is about six months old we'll have our old happy relationship back.

I don't know why this tends to happen - MILs thinking they know how to bring up a baby and wading in with advice while DILs know their own baby and are feeling their way, maybe feeling a touch insecure? My own MIL took my baby son during a day out when he was about four months old, and I was filled with rage - she only took him to look at a fancy car!

So although I adore all my DILs (I have three), and I keep my distance and don't interfere, I know that they probably all mutter that I'm not involved ENOUGH, but I'd rather have it that way round.