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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why are all MILs so horrible?

289 replies

Janey638 · 29/10/2024 18:13

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

OP posts:

Comeonbabylightmyfire · 23/10/2025 10:53

I preferred my MIL to my DH (he’s alright obviously, she did a good job of raising him). She was an amazing person.

Cel77 · 23/10/2025 22:06

My MIL is fine. She's not amazing and she's not terrible.

Wellingtonspie · 24/10/2025 08:22

Bad dils become bad mils.

Overbearing boy(or girl in some cases but since this is Mumsnet not dadsnet we will use boys) mums become bad mils, you know the types. She’s stolen my baby, the boys who could never do wrong and must never lift a finger because mummy will do it. Still arranged his doctors appointments and dentist though his an adult and has an opinion on every inch of his life. Maybe even believes every women is a gold digger or trying to baby trap her poor ikkle baby who earns just above minimum wage Prince.

Then there are normal mils.

the80sweregreat · 24/10/2025 08:34

I’m a mil and I like to think that my daughter in law and I get on well. I had a difficult one myself ( she died a few years ago ) so I am hyper aware of not interfering at all and being pleasant and respectful to her and not being overbearing. They also don’t live that close by which helps too I think. I’d hate to think she doesn’t like me.
She is very nice and was happy to let me hold their new born ( my lovely granddaughter) and we seem to get on, but I am also aware that I’m not her mum too.
Family dynamics can be tricky though.

Worralorra · 24/10/2025 08:37

I had the most wonderful MIL, and she taught me how to be a wonderful MIL to my son’s fiancée, who is like a daughter to me…

Anycrispsleft · 24/10/2025 08:48

My MIL is nice. She has her funny aspects but so do we all.

I have a theory about why there seem to be lots of terrible MILs and no terrible DILs and it's not ageism. My mother was a difficult and sometimes abusive woman but she had a decent enough relationship with my paternal grandma, I think because at that time she was young and was working and I was a kid and my dad was still alive so she had plenty of victims closer to hand than my gran. By the time I had my kids, she was retired and my dad had died so she had fewer options for victims. People don't become more evil as they get older but they do need to cast the net outside their own home for victims, and then cross swords wuth their son or daughter in law who are unfamiliar with abusive behaviour in family members and so come on to likes of Mumsnet to try and get an explanation.

MightyGoldBear · 24/10/2025 08:57

Well I have a disinterested mil and my own mother so 🤷🏼‍♀️ I think it's less about the title or change in relationship but those women specifically. Do they have good boundaries? Have they got good communication skills? Do they know how to show love and affection? How is their conflict resolution skills? How happy and settled are they in their own life Do they feel the need for control or do they feel they've lost their role?

My mil felt very threatened by me at the start she would re do things in our house to her preference she'd ignore me and her son if we didn't do what she wanted. All very passive aggressive. She's mellowed thank god but I do remember being really dissapointed that I wasn't welcomed into the family in what felt a loving way. But held at a distance like a threat. Especially as I already have a mother who doesn't know how to be a parent. Our roles are reversed sadly. I was so looking forward to feeling a little cared for or looked after but it wasn't fair on me to have those expectations. They are just two people who lack some really vital skills for relationships.

I only have boys so I may very well be a Mil one day. I'm hopeful I won't be a awful one and will keep myself in check! I certainly don't think I know best and will be very flexible/laid back. I'm hoping I won't suddenly forget what it's like being a Dil.

Iris2020 · 24/10/2025 09:04

My in laws don't have the easiest of lives and are complicated people but they are always polite to us and don't interfere.
If anything DH suffers from their lack of proactive contact.

I think it's hard for him to see my own parents put in more effort. I can't complain about my MIL though, she has not caused us any trouble.

Boomer55 · 24/10/2025 09:08

Janey638 · 29/10/2024 18:13

I’m a MIL. I get on really well with both my daughter in law and son in law.👍

It’s a bit of a generalisation to think we’re all awful - some adult kids/in laws are bloody awful as well. 🤷‍♀️

Wethers121 · 24/10/2025 09:28

I think because on here, you come for a moan. No one would start a post saying my MIL is so amazing I want to tell you all. On the same footing, we should all hate our DHs, LTB before they cheat etc 😂

Personally though, my MIL is vile to me and my DH. I have two boys and am determined to have a good relationship with their future partners.

Onlyinthrees · 24/10/2025 12:10

Posts on here are often like a snapshot in time.
I get along well with my mil generally and she has been very generous and supportive in lots of ways. However she was a bit overbearing when my dd was born. I think she was worried that she was going to be left out. At the time I was stressed and depressed and sensitive and some of the things she did I could imagine going on here and venting about (I wasn’t on mn at the time) but then time moved on. Mil realised that she wasn’t going to be left out, she calmed down, my mh improved, I got less sensitive and everything was fine. I can’t even remember specifics of the things that pissed me off any more yet I can remember being very upset at the time 🤷‍♀️

SockFluffInTheBath · 24/10/2025 12:25

My MIL was a wonderful lady. My own mother is a complete arsehole.

Bushmillsbabe · 24/10/2025 12:34

Mine is a nice person, a wonderful Grandma. But my DH is her only child, and she is a bit obsessive about him. If she observes him and I having a minor disagreement, she is all 'son, are you OK, let me rub your head so you feel better'. If she sees him doing any housework she is 'poor you, you must be so tired working so hard AND then having to do the cooking etc' - which feels like she is implying I should be doing it. DH does pull her up on this occasionally, but actually only makes it worse as she thinks I have put him up to it (I havent) so I asked him to leave it.

But she is fantastic with my girls, helps out with them loads, and they adore her. So I have learnt to ignore the bad bits and laugh about how ridiculous she sometimes is!

Flossflower · 26/10/2025 14:35

I had a great MIL. Both my daughters have kind, supportive, lovely MILs who they love dearly. We love them too.
OP, when the time comes remember that you no longer control your sons and their families lives when they have their own family. This seems to be the cause of many problems on here. Also give any future DIL a bit of slack when she has her own children. She may be OK with her own mother visiting when she is struggling with BF, but not her MIL.

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