Why are all MILs so horrible?

[Janey638]

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

Same here.
Losing my very sweet MIL (all three of her children were boys) was my one regret about my first marriage ending. I know that she was upset about the situation as well.

This is a good way to look at it

My MIL is lovely. Bonkers but lovely.

I think the issue of control at the heart of most DIL/MIL problems. I don’t personally take all the MIL threads at face value given it is one side of a story.

Mine is crap- can’t think of a nicer word. However my ex bf mum and step mum were amazing and I bet they are incredible MILs.
I also get in really well with dd long term partner and don’t think he’d have any complaints either.

Mine is a superstar and my MIL from first marriage was lovely if a bit intense. However, her other two kids in law didn't like her much so I think it just boils down to tolerance and acceptance in some cases. One of my dearest friends hates her in laws with a venom that scares me and I cannot really see why. They're odd but not monsters!

If MN is a barometer of the general attitude of women towards the mothers of adult sons, then as a mum of boys I'd say you should be worried. Because if these threads are anything to go by then you need to resign yourself to being seen as at best an inconvenient nuisance, at worst a jealous old fool with an unhealthy attachment to your son if you speak to him more than once a week or ever see him alone.
The only way to escape this is to provide unlimited childcare under strict micromanagement and be humbly grateful if you get to wave to your son across the street ever second Christmas. Provided your DiL has no other plans.
Fortunately though OP I believe these threads are not reflective of the real world. My DiL is a delight and we love each other. My MiL, likewise. So take heart, because if your son chooses wisely you may never encounter any of the hostility and ageism that you see here and will have normal relationships like normal people.

Mine's fine? She's very different to me, a bit cool & creative & I'm sort of the opposite. But she's lovely, not remotely overbearing.

Mine is lovely, very sweet and appreciative and I love her to pieces. I talk to her more than my DH does 😂 I try hard to keep in touch and send her photos and update her with news and include her in things, but she's also very respectful and easygoing which helps.

You could just as easily say "Why are all DILs so horrible?"

Because as far as I can see it's six of one and half a dozen on here.

We get on great now but at the start it was bad. DH was 18 and still at home so she felt like I was stealing her baby (only) boy.
Now she really appreciates me because her two SIL are much more problematic than me.
I appreciate her because although she's very judgemental, she would truly walk through fire for her kids and grandkids and my own parents are immature selfish people who should never have had children.

I do think blokes can be worse at maintaining contact with their mums tho.

I ring mine, so more plans get made etc. Its on DH to arrange to see his parents, and if he doesn't do it that often its kind of not my fault. I will arrange some stuff but I'm not his PA.

I always think Mothers who have never known real love from a romantic partner are the ones who go a bit crackers and hyper focus on their sons. Even though it’s a different sort of love obviously.

Mine is great and I also loved the mums of both my teenage and my twenties boyfriends. I haven’t started threads about any of them as I didn’t need to vent and didn’t need any advice!

agree that a lot of it on here is just that it’s mainly a site for women so the MIL will mostly be mother of a son, whereas a site for men would have loads of them complaining about mothers of daughters!

Mine was fantastic, sadly no longer with us .I miss her every day.. Along with my own Mum who I had a more difficult relationship with. But she was doing her best, as I try to do with my grown up children and their partners.. . Remember People only post about difficult relationships not the good ones..

Me too!

My mil is lovely. Need to remember that the type of people who come on here do so often because they don’t have friends or a support system in real life. So you will disproportionately hear the bad stories.

Mine was great. I don't think 'something happens to mothers of men', I think you're on a forum which has a majority usebase of straight women and therefore you're seeing the perspective of people whose mother-in-law is the mother of a man. Just thinking of the straight men I know, I know plenty of who dislike their own mothers-in-law.

I think the 'problem' is that a lot of parents and children are bad at communicating boundaries with each other.

I absolutely loathed my ex's mother, she is the most awful person I've ever met.

I love my DH's family.

I've known two other people with awful MILs. One said, in her 60s, that dealing with her over the duration of her marriage was harder than dealing with her husband's cancer. The other delayed her wedding for two years because of MILs shenanigans and eventually they eloped.

I know plenty of people with issues with their own parents too though.

Mine is great when she’s sober.

Shame she’s drunk 99% of the time nowadays.

They're are plenty about mums too but it is harder with a MIL to navigate, especially if you find it hard to effectively, and politely, communicate and discuss boundaries and vice versa and have very different family expectations. Immaturity on both sides!

Some MIL are, of course, awful - some people are! Take any group of random people - colleagues etc. and imagine them as MIL (or DIL) - sure some would be amazing and others almost intolerable!

Now I'm getting towards MIL age I fear I may not be the MIL I wish to be - it will to at least some extent be dependable on DIL - I'm not emotionally mature enough for it not to be! I hadn't fully considered that. DS's new GF really grates on me (to me - lazy/lacks any ambition, entitled/oversteps boundaries, doesn't seem to be able to say thank you) and I have to try really hard to hide it. I'm already less generous and different than I was with his other GF - 'polite but remote'. He's smitten! ARGH!! Hopefully I won't actually be a MIL for another 8+ years - not ready!

Why are all MILs so horrible?
All? YABU! NAMILALT

On the bright side, someday you may be one of the 'all horrible MILs' too and be hated as expected. You're not going to be the only exception are you?

I think there are women who would not be attracted to the man if they got on with the MIL there seems to be this territorial thing happening 'he's mine now' like a piece of meat

The relationship between mil and I to begin with was a little bumpy, but over the years, I’ve grown to love her and her quirks. We’ve managed to establish a really good relationship. She’s amazing - as is my fil.

Hmm.. in our family's case my grandmother is an absolute sweetheart who really tried to welcome my uncle's wife into the family. But unfortunately, she rebuffed everything frostily & took every opportunity to humiliate her. The worst time was when they came to visit my grandmother & she insisted on cutting her hair, although she expressly didn't want this done. We think it might be a snobby thing as she comes from quite a posh background & uncle began acting as if we were beneath him after they married.

My MIL is lovely and my DD loves hers, its absolute rubbish to say all MILs are awful. From reading so many threads on here I reckon its often the DIL who is batshit crazy.