Why are all MILs so horrible?

[Janey638]

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

I love mine to bits. She has been a much better mum to me than my own has. She is a wonderful grandmother to my children and is a huge part of our family. I had to work hard for her approval mind 😅 which I did.

They aren't, some just have difficulty letting go

Simple biology. Same way normally new mums want their own mums after birth.

Mils however do often get quite upset about that as they look at it as meeting the baby, whereas it’s really just a daughter wanting her mums comfort and care. The person who nurtured and cared for her, her whole life looked after her when sick and so on.

Thats where some issues seem to start once the baby arrives. Yes yes to the baby both grannies are equal grannies. But the mother is wanting help and comfort for herself, baby is a byproduct. But then you get all it’s not fair should be equal blah blah blah. When actually it’s just a grown women wanting a coffee and natter with her mother since she’s off work and baby is clearly going to be with her since it’s maternity leave.

I do get the principal, but I was so close to my paternal grandfather and to be honest I really look much more like him than my mums side of the family. We wouldn't need a dna test. He doted on me.

I love and respect my MIL. I have two brothers, and their wives love my mum. People generally only post about problems on here, so you get a skewed view.

I have an amazing mil, I've two married sisters and they equally love their MILs too. People who post on here have an issue or complaint so you're only seeing the negative issues. If you're happy you're not posting here for advice.

I had a horrible mil and went NC. She lost the chance to see the grandchild for 5 years, I decided to forgive her and give her a chance. She repented and said sorry and yes, admitted she was horrible. We are doing ok now, and you know what? She was that way, because my husband did not stand up enough for me when she was that way. Sons who are ok with their mothers getting jealous of us , are to be called out

My MIL is way nicer than my Mum was. Sad really. I wanted my DM to be kind and caring and supportive, but she wasn't. That is my MIL.

It's the nature of this site to be largely negative, as people don't usually need advice for things they are happy with. I'm not going to come on and start a thread about how amazing my MIL is, I might start on if I need a vent if she has done something to annoy me and I need people's perspective on it. I really really get on with my MIL!

Mine is also wonderful. There have been times I felt she was overbearing but I held my breath because her intentions have always been genuine. I am also aware that I am far from perfect and I’m sure there have been occasions where I have irritated her. Unlike our own mothers, the relationship takes work but if both sides compromise, it can work. DC are the light of her life and I want them to have that relationship with their GPs.

I have no doubt fault can apply on both sides - a number of DILs can be just as hard work as MILs can be and if there is no room for compromise, it won’t work. I have friends with nightmare MILs despite them trying so so hard to build a relationship, I know others who don’t treat their MILs well. I am South Asian know of families where parents have signed everything over to the son and DIL, father passes away and they treat the MiL like dirt on the bottom of their shoe. At this point she doesn’t have a penny to her name and no one to turn to. Extreme example but sadly too common in our background and shows fault absolutely goes both ways

Those who do have a good relationship are unlikely to post as there is nothing to say so we only hear about the problems and usually just one side on MN (the DIL)

My view is that a lot of women change when they have children. The develop into themselves....obviously they were themselves before, but becoming a mother and being responsible for another human matures many. The better men also change taking responsibility for their family.

Mil up to this point often still had her little boy, who looked primarily to her. Now he's a man, the dil is putting the children first and mil is now on the outside, no longer the centre of the family dynamic.

People are just more likely to talk about it on here if they have awful MILs.
There are loads if lovely MILs but why would anyone start a thread about how they get on well with their MIL?? People usually want advice on how to cope with awful ones.
Mine isn't great tbh but she's not totally awful. My own mum is actually worse. But her MIL absolutely hated her. However she may have had good reason looking back on it... still tho she would complain about my mum to me which isn't great is it.. don't bad mouth the child's mum to the child.

My MIL is just a bit disinterested. She didn't even come to our wedding and has only met my youngest once. She's only ever had my eldest overnight once.. he is 9. And she's never had any of the others alone even for an hour. She's never visited our house despite being invited many times.
However from some of the stories I read on here I've got off lucky.

I've also read absolute horror stories about all family members on here tho.. it's not just MILs.

These replies make me really happy as I have a DS and I want to get on with their future partner.
I would really like to get on with MIL and sometimes we can be civil with each other but she likes to be in control of everyone and can be critical of my parenting choices. This makes it really hard to warm to her.
But my own mum gets on with her MIL really really well so I have seen it can be lovely! I also really like my DH grandmother and grandfather!

I was fine with my MIL until I had a baby - she told me the baby preferred her to me, that she wanted me to leave hers when we came to visit so she could have the baby alone - that I must let her have the baby overnight without me. She was insistent. Also wouldn't let me hold my baby whatsoever and wouldn't give her back when I asked. Called herself "mum" to my baby

I genuinely haven't liked her since - even though she stopped behaving like it once my baby became a headstrong toddler who made it clear she preferred me.

I have two DBs, however, and their wives are closer to my DM than their own mums - so it's not always the case!

Loved mine. Miss her so much since she died 3 years ago.

I loved my MIL. I sometimes got annoyed about her ideas around my DC but I knew there was no malice, just a difference of opinion.
I feel more grief from her passing than any of my grandparents.

Mine is wonderful. We recently moved continents and the biggest advantage is we now live near her. She was, with my mum part of my wedding party and got on a plane as soon as DT’s were born. She stays with us every Christmas with my DFil (equally lovely) and my parents.

My MIL is a walking Daily Mail. She’s probably one of the most selfish people I’ve ever met. I’ve always found her hard work but us having a child coincided with her becoming more right-wing and drinking more. She can seem all lovely and friendly but she’s just completely self-absorbed. I have some absolute corker quotes from her.

I’m so envious of people with lovely MILs.

I have 2 lovely mil one is my ex mum and she’s so nice and having a hard time just now, my partners mum is just so lovely too total ray of sunshine 🌞 and I am a mum of 4 boys and don’t intend to be awful to any of my sons wives/partners

My MIL is absolutely lovely. She treats me like a daughter and I truly love her.

I adore my MIL. Historically she'd have been my "go to" even before my own mum. She is a solidly caring, dependable person who loves our children like her own. So far from "horrible" I can't even describe. We now have some caring responsibilities for her as she has Parkinson's and I'd move her in tomorrow if I had the space

My MIL has helped me today clean the house we’re moving into.. some DIL’s can be absolute cows to their MIL for no reason whatsoever just because they want to favour their own family, not having a thought for their partner’s feelings. I am a mum to a son and I would be devastated if I got a DIL who wanted nothing to do with me.

Mine is absolutely wonderful. Technically she is my ex-MIL now but I would not have made it through my divorce without her. She could have chosen to turn her back on me when her son had an affair and left but she didn't. She's a big part of my life and I am forever grateful for her.

Mines lovely. Generous and the least demanding or judgmental person I know.We have quite different tastes and sometimes opinions but I love her and respect her right to think differently to me.
She never been anything but supportive. She’d always be in my side if my DH was a Wally.

I never got to meet mine.