Why are all MILs so horrible?

[Janey638]

Does something happen to the mums of sons that makes them awful when they become a MIL? For years I’ve been a bit of a lurker on this site and I’m shocked by the amount of MIL posts, hardly any about the maternal mum. It looks like MILs are too overbearing if they want to hold a new baby, or too remote if they keep their distance. As a mum to three boys this all really depresses me. Literally does everyone hate their MIL?

My mother in law is utterly disinterested in our families life's she on average visits once a year despite living 10 minutes away.
We've never fallen out she's always been this way which is her choice but what pisses me off is her getting my adult children's names the wrong way around.
It's made me really want to do better by my adult children's girlfriends/wife and not be like her

I had a wonderful mil until she got dementia. Now I struggle to have any sort of conversation with her and I miss her and our chats so much.

This. My MIL is the closest thing to an actual, real, loving mum I’ll ever have. People won’t really be posting about their mil when they don’t have an issue with them I guess.

I love the woman who did a fabulous job bringing up a wonderful man - my DH

While I am sure there are some awful MIL out there, some of the threads on here definitely highlight a DIL problem
rather than a MIL one

Mine is nice.

Mine's fine 🤷

Not lovely but not awful

Mine is the best. The only one to help with child care (I have 3 under 5). My own mum has passed and she's as close to the next best thing you can get.

My MIL is nice enough on a superficial level & is probably more supportive of me than her own son, however, she openly favours one grandchild more than the others & has let my DD down repeatedly. She cannot be relied upon for anything & although she lives (too) close I no longer see her as she has not treated my DD well. But you get what you give & DD has absolutely no interest in her & doesn't visit either. If I seen her in the street I'd say hello but that's it now! I make no effort & nor does she.

My mother had an abusive mother so when she got married my grandmother (her MIL) really embraced her and took on a mum role to her.

Unfortunately my MIL is a nightmare, she used to beat and starve her kids until they got big enough to fight back. She proudly tells stories about harassing neighbours to the point they moved away. When she was diagnosed with cancer her own brother demanded proof because it was just the kind of thing she'd lie about. She has alienated everyone who was ever in her life.

I do think the terrible ones are much less common than the lovely ones but the terrible ones get talked about more.

I can't bear either of my in-laws. If DH and I ever divorce, that will be the one brightly shining silver lining in the cloud. I'm so envious of people with fabulous relationships with the PIL.

YABU - mine is amazing! I'm having a boy and would like to be just like her when he grows up and I'm hopefully an in-law. She's been an absolutely incredible support to both of us.

My own mum had severe mental health issues and my MIL really supported me when she died last year.

I am sorry if it's been your experience though. I also think it's like relationship threads on here, people probably aren't posting when they're happy with their MILs anymore than their marriages.

They aren't at all horrible of course not. There is usually competitive friction - most often lead and started by the wife who is jealous and wants to feel sure she is Queen Bee.

Where there is friction it is a two way process, more often than not driven by the daughter-in-law's insistence that her DH demonstrates again and again SHE is more important than his mother ever was and by setting little 'tests' to prove it.

There is no need for it because the DH has love enough for both but many wives can't accept this and view the MIL as competition. There are SO many threads on here where this is evident. There was a ridiculous one recently where the wife was having a tantrum because the DH wanted to have dinner with his mother. It was clear as day that it wasn't about this because she obv didn't want to have dinner with them but it was more a test - a point of principle - his time and attention must be on me first. If I say no, I HAVE to win. This is just rooted in jealousy and very sad.

MIL mostly love their sons and want the best for them. So will not be predisposed towards women they perceive as treating their sons poorly - first possible point of friction. Second point of friction- is wives/gf of the son who they perceive to be trying to upset a previously loving harmonious relationship by pulling these little 'tests' to prove they as the wife/gf are more important (DH you must spend mother's day with me and my mother anhd not your mother (until they have children), then DH you must spend every single mothers day all day with me, my mother and our children and not go anywhere near yours otherwise you can't possibly love me and I will sulk - this type of thing).

It's all very very sad and totally avoidable but alot of wives are jealous of the relationship and go all out to queer the pitch and turn the son against the MIL ('sigh, do we HAVE to see your Mother again this weekend, she's such a bitch to me') which then does not endear the MIL to them.

Not all relationships are like this obvious but you can see this theme radiating out of so many complaints about MIL on here.

I get on much better with my mother in law than DH does with his (my mother) because my MIL is an easier person to get along with!

Mine is absolutely lovely. I hit the MIL jackpot big-time - she's just genuinely kind and gentle and utterly wonderful, and treats all her daughters-in-law as if they were her own daughters. I'm incredibly blessed.

I love mine, she is lovely and patient and great with the kids. I'm a far worse DIL. My MIL is much lovelier than my Mum but my SIL loves my Mum more than her own Mum and I think Mum loves SIL more than me or DSis so it all depends on perspective.

I love my MIL - she is annoying at times but I knocked the controlling shit on the head very early and all been good since. Been married for 20 years, together 25 and MIL just turned 80. She has been the best mum, MIL and grandma and I will miss her very much when she isn't here anymore.

My late MIL was brilliant. She was the loveliest person in the world. FIL and youngest SIL however, not so much.
FIL would slap my backside as I passed. I don’t care that the SILs put up with it. I wouldn’t and told him so. To the point of telling him that if he did it again, I would break his hand - he left a bruise as he smacked out so hard.
Youngest SIL was just a cow and a bully. Or at least she tried to bully. Sadly for her, I have a backbone and was having none of it.
I used to take MIL shopping, after her hip replacement and she wanted me to run, when I pushed her wheelchair, so she could go faster down Asda’s aisles. She was kind, thoughtful and just a wonderful person.

Mine’s fine. I don’t adore or dislike her. She can be bossy and a bit annoying, but basically she’s a nice woman with her heart in the right place.

They aren't, it's just that you are thrown together to be close to someone for no other reason than by marriage to their child and that person is maybe not someone you would choose to be close to

Maybe MILs of sons are just horrible people? Unlikely.

Or maybe DILs are horrible people? Unlikely.

Or maybe all women are horrible people? Unlikely.

Or maybe some women are difficult and they're likely to be the same kind of people who are difficult DILs and MILs?

I often think that the DILs on here complaining about their MILs are the high maintenance, controlling types who are also going to be the nightmare MILs of the future.

Easy going DILs who are tolerant of their MILs are likely to be the future easy going MILs tolerant of their DILs.

So the question to ask youreslf is: Am a good DIL? If so I'll probably be a good MIL. And everything will probably be OK.

Mine was lovely

Another one who has a lovely and supportive mil.

Let's not blanket statement

Well if people on here said how great their relationship is with their mil people would be called greedy and told thry cant say it as people have mental issues and can't handle when others have good things people need to hear bad things to make them feel better about themselves

Warped view of life but I have a great mil

Mine isn't. Love my MIL. Also, for some reason, like reading about people with Bad ones.

I do wonder if my DM is the nightmare MIL for my DH though. (But I do love her)

So this is often what I see in posts. It’s not the ones where there is clearly a problem, but the ones where it is Mother’s Day, or Christmas Day or is it unreasonable if I miss my MIL birthday meal? The smaller stuff that generally shows a lack of interest in MIL and that they are very much the extended extended part of the family.