To think the term 'childfree' is as bad as 'childless'

[JemimaWithTheStripeyTights]

I totally understand why somebody would prefer not to describe themselves as 'childless'. The -less has connotations of something missing, of being somehow inferior or lacking when compared with people with children. It makes 'having children' the default, and 'not having children' abnormal. I get it.

But something about 'childfree' really grates with me. The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs. Basically, I think it sounds as much like a smug value judgement as 'childless' is a thoughtless one.

Not sure what the alternative would be, but how about 'nonparent'? It needs to be a word that's totally neutral about whether having kids is a good or bad thing.

The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs

but for some maybe it is liberating not having children and having them would be a burden.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with child free…. What would you suggest?

Do you think gluten-free denotes smugness against those with celiac disease? Dairy-free and the lactose intolerant? Far-free and those who aren’t watching their weight?

I don’t use “non-parent” because it feels lesser, to me. Childfree is a reframing of the narrative. (Though as it happens I’m both childless and childfree).

I say we let those who are in the situation choose how they like to be defined, not parents who are projecting their own feelings being hurt.

No, I like it. I think it sounds like the person has made a lifestyle choice they're happy with. If I hear child free I tend to think that unlike childless, which may not be a choice, then the person has decided to remain free from the burden that parenting would have been to them. I have children but have no desire for other people to want them, each to their own. The most important thing is that people have the parenting status they choose, and the only sad thing as far as I can see is when some don't.

The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs

I am child-free and that totally sums up how I feel. I understand that others do not feel that way and cherish their kids. That's fine with me too.

Everyone is different and that's OK.

I think it sounds fine.

It's not an insult to parents if someone describes themselves as child free.

I think we should move away from the default being to be a parent and this attitude there's something wrong or weird or selfish if you don't want to be and you should use terminology that doesn't offend parents.

I've got two children and couldn't give a shit how someone who doesn't want kids describes themselves but I'm sure as shit not going to try to dictate to them that they use terminology that centres my life in theirs and prioritises my feelings.

I describe myself as child free because, on occasion I've answered the 'Do you have children?' question with a straight no and can tell that the questioner now feels embarrassed and like they've put their foot in something that is a sadness for me. Then I have to go into overdrive to tell them NO, it's fine, it's ok to put things right. A bit tiresome.

I never wanted kids, they didn't interest me and I've been busy doing other stuff.

60 now and am seeing the burden endless caring for grandchildren is having on my friends (at a time when they should be just becoming more free of responsibility for children) and I'm even more whoop whoopingly happy to be childfree.

Childfree IS a liberation. It's the many women who do not want children for whatever reason and liberate themselves from the ingrade path women have which ultimately as a woman should lead to child bearing. Obvious ww still didn't liberate ourselves from judgment. It means you are not missing what you need or want.

Childless are people who miss the children they did not have but wanted. It comes with lots of sorrow. Some arrive to childfree by circumstance. They made their peace and are happy now. Hard road.

There are fundamental differ in how each group views things and things about things. Therefore, it makes sense to distinguish between them

• childfree:not missing anything, happy with the choice they made

-childless: incredibly emotionally hard life route, not in peace (until some time in life) because it was NOT a decision they made

It is not that hard to comprehend.

K would also like to oint out that in my nearly 40 years of life 90+% judgment about not wanting and having kids was from women. Stop jusging9 other women who made doff choices. Makes one look bitter🤷

"Non parent makes" as much sense as calling all women "cis" in order to pander to a small section of society.

I am childless because it's not my choice but life is a prick. Plenty of other people are childfree and that's brilliant for them that they haven't been trapped into having children they don't want.

It’s simply a lifestyle choice not to have children. There are umpteen different reasons why it can suit some folks, whilst others are happy to commit to being good parents, devoting time, money and love into doing it. Not being able to have children is totally different, life changing in a different way. Having children and it upsetting the domestic partnership is another factor that needs to be borne in mind. We both discussed it before getting married, and were on the same life path, so it’s been a good shared lifestyle choice for us. We both like children, just not any of our own.

Quite simply, it isn't the right of parents to dictate how people who aren't parents describe themselves.

If someone wishes to be referred to that way it's their choice. I have a SIL who has been married to DB for almost 30 years. We get on well. She doesn't have DC. I have no idea why and would never ask. In all that time she's simply been Jill (not her real name). I've never had reason to hang a label on her concerning how many DC she's given birth to, nor any other woman.

I agree. I think "child free" is actually a really hateful term - it immediately posits children as something negative. I would just say "doesn't have children".

I genuinely couldn't care less whether any given individual has children or not, but the phrase 'child-free' is inherently derogatory towards children. Can anyone think of any other category of human being it would be acceptable to speak of in this way? OAP-free, woman-free, Asian-free? Nope. So TBH I would tend to assume that anyone who uses that term probably has a few issues to work through or some unresolved anger over the whole thing or is just a not-very-pleasant person who has subconsciously grasped that children are the only vulnerable group its currently socially acceptable to look down on. Or they're just a bit "Look at me" about their life choices. Who knows??? But yes its weird.

I agree OP. It's a horrible and very telling term.

I didn't have kids and prefer that someone says I don't rather than childless or child free. I would have liked to have had kids. Childless isn't a nice term.

Either way you get assumptions made about you regardless of the terms used and whether you don't have kids or you do.

It's not hateful if you don't want children. Nobody should have children if they don't want them. That's not conducive to a good childhood for a child. There's all sorts of reasons why people might not want children (or can't have them) and there's nothing wrong with that.

10000% this. You wouldn't use "free" as a suffix to any other demographic. Children are the one group it's still acceptable to describe in generally negative terms.

But to some people it would be something negative to have children. Why do some of you still think people shouldn't be permitted to say that?

Of course it's not hateful to not want to have children, but it is hateful to use a term that describes children in a fundamentally negative way. The value of a certain demographic should never be based on whether or not they are wanted. Children are intrinsically valuable, because they are humans, whether or not someone wants them.

To me they ARE to be escaped at all costs! 🤣

Sorry, jokes aside, I get what you mean but there isn't really another phrase that I can think of.

Well, banning term "childfree" will be actually probably bigger hit on parents' vocabulary than the small nimber of actual childfree people.
Good luck!

Not a short easy one that differentiates between people who wanted kids & people who didn’t!

Childfree women clearly live rent free in your head, I can almost feel the frothing rage emanating from this post. Your reasoning here is frankly deranged, you could zipline right over the Atlantic with the size of that reach. Yes, many childfree women feel children would be a negative addition to their life. You’d probably save your blood pressure by just…accepting that.

Whichever of the two people choose, it's certainly better than barren and fruitful - and if they've speaking about themselves, they're perfectly entitled to use the one that expresses their position on the matter and relates solely to them. But when you're talking about somebody else, just saying they do not have children suffices.

I’ve not read the full thread but i don’t mind it. Tbh having children and being a parent is probably more the norm. Child free is what it is.

People don’t ask if you are childfree tho they tend to ask do you have children? i reply no we’ve chosen not to have them. End of convo….