To think the term 'childfree' is as bad as 'childless'

[JemimaWithTheStripeyTights]

I totally understand why somebody would prefer not to describe themselves as 'childless'. The -less has connotations of something missing, of being somehow inferior or lacking when compared with people with children. It makes 'having children' the default, and 'not having children' abnormal. I get it.

But something about 'childfree' really grates with me. The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs. Basically, I think it sounds as much like a smug value judgement as 'childless' is a thoughtless one.

Not sure what the alternative would be, but how about 'nonparent'? It needs to be a word that's totally neutral about whether having kids is a good or bad thing.

Bingo! Who had 8.24 in the sweepstake?

Indeed. My life is exactly how I want it to be- but my heaven would be someone else’s hell (and vice versa). That’s just a fact, and hardly something worth getting offended by.

I’m genuinely happy for anyone that is free to make choices for themselves, whether those choices concern children or anything else. Those choices aren’t required to be the same ones I have made or would make.

Exactly! My child-free friends like spending time with my DS and happily pass him back! People who don't want children are free of the obligation of them

That's sort of like how I feel about dogs.
I think they are adorable, I like to see dogs of my family and friends and play with them, good fun etc.
But I don't want a dog because I don't want to have to deal with the poop and the walks in the lashing rain and the vet bills and the restrictions on where we can go and hullabaloo sorting out kennels for holidays etc etc. My kids will grow out of these sorts of things, but the dog would be like that it's whole life.
I therefore consider myself dogfree rather than dogless.

It was someone with children who started this thread. In fact, most of the goady posts on this subject aren't started by the 'childfree' at all, and some of the biggest criticism of the parents here comes from...parents.

What I choose to call my own state of lack of children is not antagonistic. If I use that term to berate those with children, then you could call me out on that behaviour. Most of us aren't doing that on here, unless goaded into it by threads like these, and attitudes about how we aren't 'pulling our weight'.

Some of the nastiest threads about children on here have been posted by parents. Parents with perfect children, apparently, who do no wrong.

Many of the posts here aren't about parenting at all. I actually originally came here to see the parent viewpoint pertaining to children with SEND, since I work with SEND children. I thought it would help my understanding in my work. And some of the most goady, awful threads about SEND are started by the aforementioned 'perfect parents'.

And STILL none of you fuming, offended parents have seen fit to acknowledge the many posters, including myself, who have said why we like the term as women who wanted, but cannot have children.

You don't want us here, fine. I don't want to be here any more. The sheer spite on this thread has shown those of us without kids for whatever reason how much women who aren't mothers are still viewed as 'less than'. Is it any wonder some of us have become militantly defensive when people think the only way we can 'pull our weight' in society is by having children?

Thank you for your post @ObelixtheGaul. Agree with every word. And you are right that it’s mostly not childfrees that start the goady threads. And it’s parents who come on to the MNers without Children board to argue the toss about what Childfree actually means, or to tell the childfree that they may not regret their choice now but mark their words, they will when they’re old and alone and unloved.

@KimberleyClark thank you but I feel I am wasting my time. The OP has lit the blue touch paper and buggered off. None of the 'offended' posters seem interested in addressing the points made by the child free not by choice posters.

Also ignored was the excellent post by a PP about the huge amount of complaining about how awful parenting is by parents on this site and IRL, then the bewildered suprise when some people refer to the 'burden' of child-rearing. It might have been a burden I would have happily shouldered at one point, but given the way some parents talk, I am not a bit surprised people simply don't want it.

I think it's a good thing parents feel able to talk about how hard it is, btw. But to act all surprised and offended that some people see all this both in the media and through the vicarious experience of close relatives with children, and say, 'no thank you' is just bizarre. In fact, child free pages are littered with people who cared for younger siblings as children and don't feel they can devote adulthood to it.

Yes, some child free are antagonistic arses about it, I agree, but that's not the fault of the name. And it does, in part, come with not having had a voice at all for so long, just as those mum's who are struggling have, in previous generations, not been able to say so.

Some people seem to struggle with the idea that other people are happy with their choice to be childfree. They seem to think that group of people automatically hate children and parents and think it’s awful and the worst thing ever. Most “childfree by choice” people I know like children very much and spoil nieces, nephews and friends’ children. They hugely respect the commitment of parent but for various reasons, don’t want to do it.

If anyone should be offended, it’s people like me who cannot have children. I am absolutely not offended btw, just making the point.

Not wanting something for YOURSELF and being happy with YOUR choices doesn’t mean you are automatically negative and judgmental of other people’s choices!!!!!!!!!!

I would like to correct some pps.
It's not people understand other people's choices and not tolerating them.
It's targetted at women. Never heard anyone give a fuck when men said they don't want kids.

I do find it amusing when the angry frothers like @CherryBlossomArt have ran out of things to say and default to the “Mumsnet is a forum for Mums so why are you even here” attitude….Its such an outdated and narrow minded view.

This is a public forum at the end of the day - so many different topics get discussed by any person who wants to partake for whatever reasons they like. If you don’t like it maybe you should be the one to find another site.

I’ve never spoken about not having children in a goady or boastful way, but goodness, I’d make an exception for anyone I found out thought like CherryBlossomArt.

Mind you, now I’ve read the dogfree analogy my hard non-parent’s heart is softening. Who could fail to be moved by the suffering of dog owners who are subjected - on a dog forum no less! surely a safe place for dog lovers! - to people saying they don’t want dogs? Outrageous provocation!

This is one of those times when I read through responses and just think "fuck off, fuck off, fuck off"

Amen to that. It’s endless.

I don't have children out of choice, and I like 'childfree'. It pretty much sums up how I feel and see myself.

I was glad that there was a more positive phrase than 'childless' as I resent the connotation that the default state is to have a child and therefore I am somehow lacking.