To think the term 'childfree' is as bad as 'childless'

[JemimaWithTheStripeyTights]

I totally understand why somebody would prefer not to describe themselves as 'childless'. The -less has connotations of something missing, of being somehow inferior or lacking when compared with people with children. It makes 'having children' the default, and 'not having children' abnormal. I get it.

But something about 'childfree' really grates with me. The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden, or as if they're something to be escaped from at all costs. Basically, I think it sounds as much like a smug value judgement as 'childless' is a thoughtless one.

Not sure what the alternative would be, but how about 'nonparent'? It needs to be a word that's totally neutral about whether having kids is a good or bad thing.

I used to generally just say 'I don't have kids' if asked but have recently switched to 'childfree' - as I got to my late 30s and now at 40 I was starting to notice people giving me sympathetic looks, presumably because they assumed I desperately wanted kids, and now time was running out?! When I was about 38 one woman I had only just met actually sighed sadly, squeezed my arm and said 'oh, you still have time you know'. Wtf!

I've never remotely wanted kids and find that 'childfree' conveys that. It's not at all a judgement on anyone with kids - I like kids and love my siblings' and friends' children, I just don't want them myself!

I think either are fine if a person wants to use them to describe themselves.

Both are problematic as group descriptions or when applied to someone whose view you don't know. It's not for me to say whether a person without children regards this as a loss, a freedom or neither.

I don’t mind either one. I couldn’t have children, but my mindset is more childfree than childless these days.

People need to stop obsessing about what other people think of them and their life decisions. Mostly, nobody cares what you have done with your life. It's not a smug value judgement. People without kids simply don't care what you are doing. Unless your child is kicking the back of their seat.

Yes, this me, too, and I think a lot of us in similar situations. Everyone I know who couldn’t have children is happily adjusted to it, even if it took time.

Why does someone who doesn't have children describing their position as child free grate on you OP? It doesn't sound smug to me, it sounds accurate and if some people that aren't parents see having children as a burden and an obligation they'd be quite correct.

Non parent makes parent the default so isn't helpful.

I would choose to stop thinking about it and let the people that aren't parents make the decision and try not to let it grate too hard.

For the love of… what is it with today’s society being so bloody stuck on definitions, being offended and the right words? It’s so monotonous now.

I often get jealous of people who have time to think of these things as they must have a very relaxed life with little to worry about.

I think you make a reasonable point but it’s never really bothered me.

It’s a funny one. I don’t ask if people have kids.
I had my child at 44, so I’ve been called “childless” “childfree” & “mother” none of which I’d use to describe myself, really…

Oh yes I am with you 100% on this one!! I think it’s nauseatingly smug and entirely intentional, to give the impression of them skipping lightly through life unencumbered, while we poor parents lumber on behind, burdened and weighed down by the millstone of our spawn.

I don’t really get the need for either words when you think about it…

In every day life surely you just say “I don’t have kids” the same way you would if you said “I don’t have any dogs” or “I don’t have a garden”.
People don’t describe themselves as “dogless” or “gardenfree”.

On a side note isn’t it interesting how it’s always women who are described as childfree or childless not men - Which does suggest it’s another way for women take a snipe at and put down women who don’t have children.

I just say ‘I don’t have children’. I hate child-free as well. It feels very cringe. I feel like I should be spinning around a field in the alps ala The Sound of Music trilling ‘Child-freeeeeee!’

"The -free seems to imply liberation from the idea of children, as if that's some obligation or burden"

But that's exactly how i feel....

as if that's some obligation or burden
But having children does come with obligations and you are burdened with a huge responsibility for them. If you don't feel that responsibility or obligation to your children then you are a terrible parent.

I am child free, childless, got no kids. None of these descriptions worry or cause me angst in any way shape or form. Happy to say why as well if anyone bothers to ask, but don’t care if they don’t.

I feel 'childfree' can make some people uncomfortable because, I know it sounds patronising to say it, but a lot of people just have kids and never really thought it through. And hearing 'childfree' really makes them confront the idea that they actually, could have chosens another life.

Many parents are unfortunately, regretful parents. Statistically, more parents regret (maybe that's an unfair word choice, more, 'wouldn't choose it again if they could go back') having children than childfree people regret not having children.

It's an uncomfortable word for some, especially at points in their life where they are maybe exhausted with young kids or lamenting having had to give up a career etc... life with kids can be tough and someone childfree can seem to be saying 'hey, you could have - not'. It can make people confront their own insecurities and 'what if' thoughts. Like holding up a mirror to you and saying 'you could have chosen different'.

I think if it makes you feel uncomfortable. It's worth looking at your own life and considering if you would have chosen the same path again, if you could go back. And if not, that's OK, but sometimes we have to say 'yes I gave up this, and it's OK to feel sad about it, it doesn't diminish my love for my kids'.

Sometimes when we are uncomfortable with people describing a certain freedom...it's because feep down it's one we wish we had had for ourselves.

Having children is the biological default position. It's a fact, not something to argue with or be offended by.
If a person has no children for whatever reason, whether they are childless or child free depends on their personal feelings IMO. I would not presume to apply the terms to anyone and certainly not to the large and diverse group of people who do not have children.
I know women who are joyfully and deliberately child free, and other women who have been through multiple losses and rounds of IVF without a living child to show for it who are utterly devastated. It's definitely not the same thing.

But people who don't have children are moving through life unencumbered by children...

It's just a fact. If I didn't have kids I'd have had a very different life, which would have looked very unencumbered and very unburdened, but I don't feel offended at the imaginary though that someone might have that I'm lumbering behind while they skip ahead.

I don't spend time taking inferences about my position from people that aren't in it. I'm just making the most of it. There are positives and negatives to every thing. That's just how it is.

The alternative is 'carefree' - probably worse! :)

I think I only describe myself as childfree on MN. IRL I usually say happily ‘I don’t have kids’ and if pushed say ‘I prefer cats.’

On MN, it’s much harder to make it instantly obvious how someone feels about not having kids. So it’s easier to have childfree (positive & happy choice) & childless (not by choice) although of course it’s not that simple for everyone.

I know that kids would absolutely be a burden for me, so it’s one I’ve chosen to free myself from. But at the times when I haven’t had a cat I’ve absolutely been catless.

Also not accurate!

So what can/should we say?

Adult?
Do we always have to define women by their reproductive choices? Then if the conversation comes up, people state what they want how they want.

I agree. I personally don’t use childfree as short hand to say I’m ’skipping ahead’ and certainly don’t see mothers as ‘lumbering behind’.

I say I’m childfree because a colleague described me as ‘childless’ to another colleague, that colleague then approached me in private sobbing and sharing her personal grief at being childless and asking more about my ‘infertility’, she was then embarrassed when I had to explain I’m not infertile or anything I just don’t want children. She had seen me as ‘like her’ and someone she could share with and then found out I wasn’t after showing her emotions to a colleague. I felt awful for her because she may not have wanted to share that with someone who didn’t have the same experiences and I definitely got the impression that she wouldn’t have said anything if she knew I was childfree rather than childless.

It also cuts down on people telling me I can adopt and their cousins best friends neighbours IVF journey and their brothers girlfriends sisters mums best friends daughter who ‘just went on holiday and relaxed and she got pregnant’ which every childless person I know has to put up with.