Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

YANBU in telling her that she can't bring her baby. You can't have a 3 month old at a hen party! Can't her husband look after it?

Nah you can't have a baby at a hen do. She's a great friend so commit to doing something nice when circumstances are easier.

If she’s exclusively breast feeding then no she won’t be able to leave the baby. And many Mums wouldn’t want to leave a baby that young.

Is it just one night? I think the problem is it’s a different country. The other option is that she just misses the hen do.

Babies don't belong at hen dos , but you will have to accept that she probably won't come

How on earth would that work on a night out in a city?! I imagine it's a pub crawl and clubbing scenario - with a baby in tow...

Could her husband come too and just be nearby with baby for feeds etc? My friend did this at a hen do when her baby was about the same age, he was just in a hotel nearby and she popped back a few times during the eve. Completely depends on the baby though!

I would agree a hen do is not an ideal place for a baby but if she's breastfeeding she genuinely won't be able to leave him/her for so long so really it's up to you now and how much you want her there.

Who says a hen do has to be drinking and adult humour
It is perfectly OK to have a family friendly hen do.
You could always have 2 if you feel the need for a raucous one.

If she's planning to breast feed she will not be able to leave the baby at that age. And even if she bottle feeds, many mums would not want to leave such a new baby.
Is it an option for her husband to come with her and stay with the baby and she can join you for some of the activities / parts of the day and night? When she is asking to bring the baby, I'm not sure what she's envisaging if not the scenario I just mentioned - it would be madness to think the baby could actually be at the activities and meals!
If that cannot happen, I think she will just not be able to come. It's a real shame but these things happen unfortunately.

When DS was three months old we drove with him to Glasgow (one hour away) to visit family for Christmas. It was hugely disrupting and I didn't relax for one minute. Babies change everything.

Thank you! The issue is that she lives in another country so would have to travel and feels it is too early to leave her baby overnight , which I totally understand, so she’s asking whether we can have a baby friendly activity during the day. I’m reluctant as it would become all about the new baby (understandably) and although I don’t want to be narcissistic, I put a LOT of effort into her hen do and also want to make sure it’s fun for everyone else making the effort to come!

I went to a friend's hen do when my DD was under 3 months but it was very hard. I was exclusively breastfeeding so I had to express enough milk for her (this was really difficult for me) and she'd never had a bottle before (I had tried - she'd always refused) so DH had quite a struggle before she eventually accepted it!

I made the effort as it was a close friend but I'm not sure she appreciated how difficult it was for me.

She isn’t unreasonable not leaving a 3 month old, not a chance in the world I would do it. Breastfeeding in itself would make it impossible.

You are not being unreasonable not to have a baby at the hen do, it’s completely inappropriate.

Only option is for her not to come and to do something separate to celebrate. Don’t make her feel bad for it and don’t accept her making you feel bad either.

The vast majority of first time mums will not leave a 3 month old to fly from Ireland to the UK for a hen.

It would be pretty easy to plan a nice brunch or something during the afternoon and she could attend with the baby, she’s making a big effort to be willing to fly over to do that.
You don’t want to make any changes to your plans for her to join at any point of the weekend with the baby, fair enough, but then you need to accept she won’t be there without the baby.

It doesn’t have to be, but that’s what some people want!

OP is NBU to say that the baby can’t come, but may have to choose between letting the baby come and accepting her friend won’t be there.

Posh tea parties are quite popular where I am from

No that’s totally not suitable to bring a baby to a hen do
It will completely change the dynamic , you won’t be able to have normal conversations , all focus attention will be on the baby.
It limits venues to quiet pram friendly places.

I think it’s so weird of her to even ask to bring a baby.
Just tell her no , you all want to relax and let your hair down
And yes , as others have said , husband should have the baby to let her go have a break !

I don't think a baby belongs at a 'posh tea party' either tbh. Mine would scream non-stop for two hours straight at just that age.

She can't bring a baby to a hen party BUT it's also too soon to expect her to leave the baby for a weekend. So sadly she can't come.

You absolutely can have a lovely baby friendly visit with your friend, but not on your hen.

OP - have you the option to fly to her for a night, and do something local to her, separate to your hen? You'll have a chance to meet her baby and have a nice day with your friend, without having to compromise on your hen. Trying to make a hen baby friendly isn't a great idea.

She’s not unreasonable to not want to leave her baby but she is taking the piss by asking you to have a baby friendly hen party. It’s not fair on the other people attending and not the night you want so just say you understand she can’t come & you will see her at the wedding

You have to let her know that unless her dh is coming along to care for the baby. You can't have a 3mo there, it will spoil this for you and everyone else. If she can't leave the baby, then she can't come. Rather let her know well in advance though

Personally I can't think of any baby friendly day activities for a hen do... and what happens then we do something like clay pottery throwing or paint and sip then your friend retires with the baby and the party starts? And friend misses the majority of hen do?

In all honesty plan the hen you want and explain to friend if they can't make it- understandable we will have a catch up when we can

If it's a hen weekend , then I highly doubt people would want to do anything baby friendly or spend more money on that just for her. The cheek of her to even suggest that. It would be a no from me.