Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

There will be other nights out, including the alternative meet-up that OP has offered her friend, but OP will only have one hen do. Friend is being self-centred.

Why are you unable to disagree and have different opinions, without being rude and presumptive? I’ve consistently said I respect others’ preferences and views. Are you capable of that?

I don’t need to explain myself to you. You’ve clearly made a lot of assumptions about me, all of them wrong. The hen do I attended was not ‘tea and cakes’. It was a day at a racecourse, with outside gigs and a funfair in the evening.

I never claimed to be an expert on hen dos. But, at the end of the day, they’re groups of friends getting together in public or private places. They’re not a weird secret cult where unmentionables not fit for babies go on, and only those who attend know what happens.

Most of the activities you list are perfectly possible with a 3 month old baby in a pushchair and/or sling or a partner/relative nearby. And there are a number of posts on this thread from people who’ve taken babies to hen celebrations and had friends and family with babies at theirs.

So, it’s perfectly possible for there to be a compromise, rather than ‘come without the baby or don’t come at all’, which is basically saying don’t come.

I didn’t say they were the same. I said it can feel just as exclusionary.

My original point was if a friend were using a wheelchair or visually impaired, would they be excluded from a hen do because the activities were difficult for them to participate in. Or would a compromise be found, so they could attend?

And not all disabilities are life long. Far from it. I’m very familiar with disability legislation and rights.

Which is why I said usually lifelong
And I'm not going to argue with someone who trys to compare a disability with breastfeeding.

Agree. Its a ridiculous, offensive, tone deaf ableist comment.

If I’ve caused anyone offence, I profusely apologise. It was certainly not my intention. I speak with experience of both.

Do you really need me to explain that breastfeeding doesn't compare with being disabled? Really?

I’m surprised if you have personal experience of living with a long term physical disability that you think it is comparable.

As someone with a disabled partner and who has breastfed more than one child - that comment was fucking cringe 😂 please don’t repeat it anywhere else

Sorry not you @TwistedWonder - the original person who made that crazy comment

If you really want her there then say she can bring baby but you can't see how it'll work for her as you're planning pubs, drinking etc. If she does end up bringing baby it's not your responsibility so shouldn't impact your day. Just do what's planned & let her figure it out for herself.

Reading these replys did some airhead try and say disabilities and breast feeding were under the same umbrella omg tjat has to be the most mn comment ever one is a choice ie having kids breastfeeding is a lifestyle choice a'd parents should not expect special treatment for their choices disabilities is forced upon a person do yes adjustments and extra considerations should be made do not compare the two my goodness

Most of the things aren't possible with a baby because the venues specify 16/18 plus! But even if they are, great, so now not only do you want to bring a baby to the hen do, but also a partner or a gran. I don't understand how the bsic etiquette of 'if you are not the host you don't get to invite random third parties' to someone else's social event goes out the window when you have a baby.

If every single hen decided to bring along their baby/child and babysitter then you've gone from 10 people to trying to find a venue for thirty plus. Most venues won't take bookings for 10 people but let another 20, 10 of whom are children and small babies in, to stand around and watch. And of course that would completely change the vibe!

If you think "Well we'll make allowances for Friend 1 because she's breast feeding and breastfeeding mothers are apparently the most discriminated against and isolated and excluded people in the world," then surely you have to make an exception for Friend 2, who is a single mum, because it's that much harder for her to find a babysitter. Oh and Friend 3's dd is disabled so it's not like she can easily leave her so she should be allowed to bring her dd as well. And Friend 4 has triplets so it's not fair to leave them with their poor father....etc etc.

Not to mention most partners/grandmothers wouldn't want to travel miles to a different city and stand around in the rain or in a bar for hours with a three year old baby while hens do an obstacle course or cocktail class - and what good parent would want that for their baby? Just so they don't feel left out of one social event. How completely selfish.

Apart from anything else, it doesn't matter if the venue or occasion IS completely baby friendly. OP doesn't want baby there and it's likely the other hens don't want baby there either. It's OP's hen, she probably hopes it's the only one she'll ever have, an event aimed at celebrating HER and doing what SHE wants to do, so she gets to decide who comes, and that should be the end of conversation.

I don't respect views that are completely ridiculous, no. And multiple other people have pulled you up for your other (offensive) comment as well.

There’s been some real nastiness on this thread.

My comments have been called ‘crazy’ (an offensive term used about people with mental health disabilities and illnesses) and ‘completely ridiculous’ because I have a different opinion to other people, even though I’ve repeatedly said I respect theirs. My experience has been questioned. Assumptions have been made about me. I’ve been attacked for saying things I did not say.

At no point have I said breastfeeding is comparable to having a disability. In fact, I explicitly made clear I wasn’t saying that. However, for those who were offended by the analogy I did make, I’ve apologised and said it wasn’t my intention to offend. I don’t want to cause further offence or appear insensitive by continuing to explain.

There’s too much judgemental and attacking language on this site, despite the guidelines. I see it badly affecting other posters, some of whom are clearly feeling vulnerable. If you can’t read a different opinion to your own without attacking, you shouldn’t be on a discussion forum. The OP was asking for opinions. I gave mine. Others gave theirs. It’s how it works. It’s fine to disagree or question someone’s argument. But it’s important to do it kindly, politely and respectfully.

I want to live in a society where breastfeeding mothers are welcomed and included. I see it as a women’s rights issue. I don’t want them having to make the stark ‘choice’ of leave their baby at home, necessitating giving up/undermining breastfeeding, or stay at home with their baby and not participating. A number of PPs have said they’ve welcomed and included family and friends with babies on hen dos, proving it’s certainly possible and even desirable. Over a third of people think the OP is being unreasonable.

I realise some people don’t want to welcome and include breastfeeding mothers in some social events. They don’t want babies at a hen do, even if that inevitably excludes the mother. Even when she’s a close friend or family member. They brand a woman who’s asked if she could bring her baby as ‘selfish’. That’s up to them.

But is it any wonder such a woefully tiny percentage of mothers in the UK follow the WHO/UNICEF guidelines of ebf until 6 months and bf with solids until 2 years and beyond?

But is it any wonder such a woefully tiny percentage of mothers in the UK follow the WHO/UNICEF guidelines of ebf until 6 months and bf with solids until 2 years and beyond?

Oh please stop.

The point of this thread is that not everything is baby friendly. That, I'm afraid is just life.

I breast fed for 15 months - I also understood that for a year out of my life I had sacrifices to make in my social life.

And I still think babies don’t belong on an adults night out

Please get a grip. You're not discriminated against because you want to breast feed

It's offensive to suggest that breast feeding and a disability are the same.

Also my hen do was in an adults only bar. No one under the age of 18 was allowed, breast feeding 3 year old or not.

Your friends don't want your breast fed baby at an adults only event. Maybe time you learnt that before you lose all your friends

Depends what she means by baby must come - if she means her husband and baby need to travel with her and Hubbie will be looking after baby for her night out and she goes back to them after then I don’t see a problem (we had someone come to a work conference when on maternity leave and Hubbie and baby were in a room upstairs!)
if she means baby needs to be involved then it’s a big no!

I’m sorry but why should the bride-to-be change her entire hen-do plans to make it baby inclusive purely to suit one person with a child? Are you having a laugh?

As much as you might have enjoyed your quiet hen-do I personally would have found that underwhelming and boring and I definitely wouldn’t want that for my hen do.

I’m sure OP only plans on getting married once. The bride should do what she wants to celebrate this. The MOH can make the her own hen do as baby friendly as she likes but it’s CF behaviour for a guest to expect OP to their hen-do plans to suit their own child.

The mother to be is asking her friend to arrange a hen do around her baby, it puts pressure on the op because it doesn't sound like the op wants to be restricted at her own hen do and she shouldn't be, this is her time. I think the friend is incredibly selfish especially after the friend got the hen do SHE wanted, she's had her turn.

I personally would just tell the friend, sorry, Louise is organising it and it's not going to be suitable for a baby, we could have another mini hen do 3 months before the wedding and go for a meal.

This!

nearly 6 years of my life have been spent breastfeeding - and that came with certain sacrifices. But more than anything my child’s welfare was most important.

I work in the arts and used to go to the theatre multiple times a week at one point. Had to stop doing that for a while, hardly being discriminated against.

There are times when women are asked to cover up, or not given help when struggling to breastfeed, or they feel pressured to continue when it’s becoming detrimental to their health…. I could go on. Maybe let’s address these issues first if you are so passionate about raising breastfeeding rates?

no one ever stopped breastfeeding for a hen party 🙄

You might have missed that the OP said none of the other hens have children yet.

Maybe the OP should also consider that when the next person in their group gets married, that she could be the one breastfeeding a newborn. Maybe she should think about how she would like to be treated, given she will be setting the precedent one way or the other.

3 months doesn't HAVE to be to young to leave the baby, but it is young enough that the mother may not want to leave and that is FINE. Also, if the mother wants to breast feed, it is perfectly possible that the child will be exclusively breast fed (far too young for solids and may not take a bottle if she's never had to before), so the child would HAVE to be with her mother for maybe 30 mins every 3 hours min! I don't think you are wrong to want a baby free hen do, but if you don't and your friend says she cannot attend, that probably means she CANNOT and you have to be ok with that.

Maybe OP accepts, like most people, that she is not entitled to expect other people’s events to be arranged around her?

Not everything needs to be about mothers and their babies.

It isn't a woman's rights issue to be invited to every single event. No one has that right.

If a mother doesn't want to leave her baby, that's a valid choice but it does mean that she probably won't always be invited. Not wanting a baby at your hen party is also a valid choice.