Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

Agree with this, I wouldn't of been able to leave either of my children at 3 months old as they were exclusively breastfed and wouldn't take a bottle, I also just wouldn't of wanted to tbh. However yanbu to say the baby can't come to the hen do

It's ops hen do she is entitled to have whatever type she wants, and she has already specified this one is a night out, which is completely standard for a HEN DO, no need for this po faced tutting about it not having to be "raucous". I'm sure OP is perfectly aware that she is allowed whatever type she wants and doesn't have to be granted permission by a random on MN - if she didn't want a "night out" type, her closest friends, who presumably know her well, wouldn't have organised one in the first place! Most people don't live in the same place as all their friends, its completely unreasonable to expect them to travel there twice just so someone can bring her baby!

I went to a hen do last year (also in bristol funnily enough) in which several of the hens had young babies- one just came for the day and then went home before the night, another ones husband came up and stayed separately so she left to feed baby and then came back. None of then bought the baby to the hen, because its not an appropriate event for the either the baby itself or fair on any of the other attendees who want to have a laugh without worrying about waking a baby or trying to be heard over screaming.

As friend is from Bristol already does she have family members she/her dp could stay with so she can attend part of the hen?

I would just say "I don't think it would work out for you to come with the baby, if you and [her DP] can work out a way for you to come even for part of it that would be great but if not I fully understand and it's completely fine if you cant make it."

I’m going to my sisters hen weekend with my 6 week old little boy this weekend. It’s a huge country house rented out and I’ll have my own room with baby, it’s quite low key and my whole female family will be there so not exactly the same situation.
If it were a day and night out drinking session I’d probably give it a miss and I wouldn’t be upset about it, I’d arrange soemthing special for another time but I couldn’t leave my baby yet for that.

I think whatever choice you make about whether the baby can come to (parts of) the hen do is completely fine! At 3 months the baby is likely to be sleeping a lot of the time still. I have 3 kids and I definitely wouldn’t have left any of them at 3 months though. I had to miss some events and that’s just the way it goes, you’ll always be able to do something with her in the future when her baby is a bit older!

I think it's at least worth sounding her out about that. Personally I would make the effort to go to a hen do up to about 8 months pregnant (even if I wasn't going to be able to drink or really be at my best) but I wouldn't have gone on a hen do and left my 3 month old baby at home.

The OP is obviously not being remotely unreasonable to not want a baby on her hen do, but her friend can't really be expected to leave her baby overnight, especially if she breastfeeds. So the only other options are bringing the hen do forward, or her friend not coming.

Or... @BrislingtonCat You say her baby would be 9 months old when you get married but only 3 months old at the hen do. Would it make a difference if you had the hen do a few weeks before the wedding instead, when her baby is about 8 months old? I would (and did) have one night away from my baby when he was about 7 months old, for work, and it was fine. Completely different kettle of fish compared to a 3 month old.

Dublin... bit different 😂

I went on a hen do when my DC was 8 weeks and left him with his dad. If I couldn’t have left him I wouldn’t have gone and made it awkward for everyone else. It’s a time for people to let their hair down.

It sounds like the friend is trying so hard because of her own reasons of wanting a fun time out and not wanting to miss out the fun, not about the op. If it really was making an effort for the op then why did she turn down the idea of op flying to her?

Can she & her husband find accommodation near the hen do so she can come to some of it without the baby, and you can meet it in the daytime before the festivities begin?

Do you have to have the hen do 6 months before the wedding ? Could you wait ?
Having said that, she might just not want to leave the baby. She hasn't had a baby yet, so doesn't know what it's like.

She should or could as husband to accompany her . Then she can leave him with the baby to attend your party then to back to dh and baby after . They could stay with a family member or air bnb for couple nights .

This is your hen party. Just say no! Say you have thought of other options for her to attend but you understand she f she doesn’t go with them .

You will both be disappointed but that’s life sadly .

A family friendly hen do?

Seriously?

I mean, I'd have no interest in a 'raucous' night out but suggesting a hen do should be suitable for/inclusive of children? Absolutely not.

OP, organise thr hen do you want. She will have a 12 week old baby by the time it comes around. A hen do will be the last thing on her mind!

Hen do - YANBU to not have a baby friendly activity, as someone who currently has a 10 week old! But he is very portable and I've been to quite a few lunches, dinners and other events as he is very portable. Her DH could come and babysit, so she can come back to the hotel to breastfeed and dip in and out of activities etc. She's probably totally underestimating how tired she will be but that's her problem really.

She's mad to accept being MOH as she will have ZERO time or energy to help out with anything wedding related while caring for a newborn.

Wedding - unreasonable to allow one baby but not others. Make a rule allowing babies in arms. You will hugely offend any other new mum there.

The only way this would work is if her partner came too to look after the baby. But travelling with a baby is hard, and the friend would need to keep leaving the hen or do not go out in the evening. Even a non-alcoholic hen do isn’t a place for a baby, it should be all about the bride.

I assume she’ll be surprised as you’ve made an exception for your wedding. As PP said it is a bit unfair to allow just one person (who is not even family) to bring their child to the wedding. It’s usually either no children at all or babes in arms (under 1). Other people will be justifiably upset that they weren’t allowed to bring their kids or had to miss the wedding due to BF or childcare

Babies and hen dos - no way! Does she not have a partner who can look after the child, or a relative maybe.

I wouldn't be reorganising my hen do for one person, best friend or not. She's had her hen do. Have the hen do you want, if she wants to come she can, but I'm struggling to think of anything that you could do that would be baby-friendly. I definitely think a visit to Dublin the weekend after to see her and the baby and take her out for a drink is a better option. You might find she doesn't actually want to come when the baby is here.

i would not have left my 3mo. It is completely unreasonable to expect her to attend without her baby.

you are also ok saying you want a child free hen do. You just need to accept she won’t be able to attend.

I was Moh with a small baby. It was awful.

She's between a rock and a hard place. It's not reasonable to bring the baby but it's also not reasonable to leave the baby at home. The baby might be only 10 weeks old. She'll probably be breastfeeding. Be prepared that she might have to pull out and don't take it personally if she does.

'Family friendly' and 'hen do' are like oil and water.

Your friend will have to sit this one out.
If I'm going to a hen do, then I want cocktails and a good time - not sandwiches and cups of tea!

Exactly. I was EBF and took my baby on my best friends hen (I was MOH).
I participated in the bits I could. Baby was an angel and no one said anything.
my bf would rather I was there than not - I did say I didn’t need to go but would’ve still arranged everything.

Gosh that's a bit cheeky. You are not narcissistic at all. It's not all about her. She has had her turn.
Either she comes and leaves the kid at home, or she says she can't make it. Why should you have to adapt your plans. And take a small baby along and it will become instantly all about them.
Said as someone who hates hen dos with a burning passion.

YANBU - but you also have to accept that means she wont come. Very few new mothers would happily leave a baby that young to go off on a hen night.

Sounds like she's struggling a bit to adjust. Having a baby is a massive change and it does mean you can't do all the things you used to do.

She may find she doesn't even want to travel with the baby at 3 months, I wouldn't have with my first.

Take the "don't be ridiculous, that's far too big an imposition on all three of you. I didn't for a second expect you to come and I'm not offended at all" tack and hope she takes the hint.

If she was local I'd say her popping in on the afternoon with the baby for a couple of hours would be a lovely compromise, but the travel makes it impractical and just ups the pressure for everyone.

But Op has clearly said multiple times "i understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that" and "I honestly hadn't expected her to come at all."

it's the friend who is moaning and wanting everything to be changed to fit her because she has FOMO who needs to "accept" she can't have her cake and eat it

Is there a reason hen is 6mo before wedding? Just leaving a 6/7mo baby is easier than a 3mo baby. If she's more open to that is that a possibility?