Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

It’s your choice it’s in celebration of your day. However be prepared for her to say “Well if the baby can’t come neither can I” The baby comes first long before your Hen do. Does she have someone able and willing to mind the baby.
None of my business but it’s on my mind and I’ve got a big mouth so I’ll say it. Why are you so against a 3 month old baby being there. His/Her mum will be doing all the work. Are you scared that a teeny weeny bit of the shine maybe taken from you and given to a little baby.

Well yes I couldn't have left mine for a whole weekend in another country at 3 no because I was breastfeeding- and anyway I just wouldn't have wanted to.
She's compromised by saying she will come with the baby, if you don't want the baby there then you have to accept your friend won't be either.
The only other compromise would be for her to come for the daytime activity with the baby, or without the baby if her partner can come over with her. But that's a lot of effort for a few hours at a hen do!

infant at a hen do.

Sounds like a good title for a movie.

A baby absolutely cannot come on a hen. Totally inappropriate. If she wanted to swing by and say hello with the baby, I think thats fine, but as she lives in a different city, you're probably best arranging a different get together. Maybe you can go to her after hen but pre wedding?

i have just read your other responses.

1. either she can come to hen do or she can’t - without baby (sounds like you don’t want baby there and that is totally ok!)
2. she will have to get over it. Like I said I offered to organise my bfriends hen do as I was MOH but I couldn’t leave my baby. So I had baby with me where I could. I participated by hosting but mainly organised everything ready for her to enjoy.
3. the hen do I threw was a mild mannered one as the bride to be didn’t want anything “typical” and out there - her elderly relatives were in attendance as well as some teenage girls. So it can be done.

it’s very much dependent on what you want out out of the hen do. It can be done but I get the vibe you would rather not have a baby there. She will probably find it too stressful too anyway!

I went on one Hen do with a baby (18 months old) there, which was the bride's baby, and it was a complete disaster. It spoilt the whole weekend and we didn't do the evening pub crawl as planned and after a failed attempt to drink in the hotel bar we all just gave up and went to our rooms to sleep early. It was an absolute waste of money for everyone who went tbh.

It depends on if you think a baby could be present at the activities you're doing and I'm guessing in 99.9% of cases it would be a disaster. Don't end up changing what you had planned for the Hen though to fit with the baby.

I believe in making time for yourself when you have a baby, but there’s no way in hell I would have left my 3m old overnight.

I’d see if her husband could come, make a weekend of it and tbh yes I would do something for brunch or whatever that the baby could come to. Or be prepared for her not to come and the friendship to change.

She is being massively unreasonable asking this. Nobody normal even asks for a baby to be included at a hen do. Just say it’s okay if she doesn’t come.

I agree with you on this, hope no money has been committed. Mainly out of kindness to the baby.

God I went to a hen do where one of the group came with a toddler without telling the bride. I am sure she had good intention but it was awful. The two are not compatible. But it’s also then fair that she doesn’t come, no mother is going to want to travel overseas from her baby at 3 months old.

It's unfair of her to dictate you have a hen do that is baby friendly. Just plan the hen do you want and she can decide if it is suitable to bring baby. Would that be easier than saying yes or no? If she pushes on that, remind her the effort you put into her hen do to make it special for her, and you would like the same for yours.

Is there a reason why they hen do is 6 months before the wedding? If it was say a month before, it would be much easier to leave the baby, and she might feel more comfortable doing so.

Agree with a PP about babies at the wedding, either invite all babies under say 1 year old, or have none. If you have any other guests with small babies (and it sounds like the wedding is a while away, so it's a possibility), then you risk upsetting them by allowing 1 baby and not others.

Could she join with baby for some of the daytime stuff? Like a nice lunch or something in the afternoon? I am assuming she doesn’t want to bring the baby clubbing!

At that age the longest I could leave my kids was about 2 hours- I was breastfeeding and the baby wouldn’t take a bottle. Plus too young for food/ water/ warm milk. So unless she can bring the baby to some of the day, with all the goodwill in the world, she may well not be able to come.

I wouldn't ever leave a baby that age either.

3 month year olds are fairly portable so I dont see an issue with having one there for the day time activities- like a meal out a baby isn't a big deal... I think it depends how much you want her there and if she's happy to travel to do something in the day and what you are thinking of doing.

It's either her and baby or not at all.

Bringing the baby isn’t practical but if it was someone I really wanted there I’d have an early hen do before the baby was due.

These replies are mad. Why can't you have a three month old at a hen do? Do you all get so out of control that you'd be a danger to a baby?

It's not like the baby is going to know what's going on and I doubt she'd be out all night

Do you have to have the hen do 6 months before the wedding? If it was closer she might be happier to leave the baby.

she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too.

“Ok that’s a shame but I understand, see you at the wedding”

If she can’t come because of the baby then unfortunately she has to miss out. A baby will change the whole dynamic of the day and if she’s a good friend she will not try to make you feel bad about this and take a step out of the hen do

@GinAndJuice99 . Why can't you have a three month old at a hen do? Do you all get so out of control that you'd be a danger to a baby?

Changes the dynamic, and affects the places you choose to go. And, most importantly, the bride doesn't want a three month old there.

Oh come on. It's a hen do, totally not appropriate for a baby to be there. Along with the fact that OP and most other friends don't have kids themselves and so I'd say even less appropriate. I have 2 dc myself and would never impose them baby or toddler or older on a hen do.

If OP wanted kids at the hen do she would have included them in the planning. She didn’t because, as she has said many times, she doesn’t want to. It’s her wedding, her hen-do, surely what she wants trumps the entitled moh who thinks everything should change because she gave birth?

A toddler is much more difficult and demanding than the average 3 month ols baby.

A 3 month old could stay in a sling and is not going to bother anyone apart from her mother.

So she hasn’t actually birthed this baby yet?!!!!!!

I think you need to say that excited as you are about her pregnancy news you don’t want to put pressure on her to think she needs to make what will be an enormous effort to come to the hen night with the baby, so think it better that she plans not to come and instead focusses on the pregnancy and the baby. Say you can’t wait to meet the baby and will be planning on visiting her in Dublin well before the wedding.

(I think you have already made a huge concession at your child free wedding for her to come with a nine month old so she is already pushing the boundaries of what YOU want for YOUR wedding, but maybe don’t say that to her)

Why is the hen 6 months before the wedding? If you had it a bit closer, baby would be older and might be easier to leave with dad. It's a bit drawn out.

Because they don't let 3 month olds into bars and clubs.

Because the whole point is to get away from kids.

Of course a baby can’t come to a hen do. Accept her saying that she can’t come and she can be at the wedding.