Infant at a hen do

[BrislingtonCat]

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

When I was 29 and had DD1 I managed to go to my friend's hen do in the evening, locally, and DD1 was a little over six weeks old. I got her to take a bottle of my expressed milk otherwise I couldn't have gone- looking back 20 years later I wonder how I managed it! She was 8 weeks old at the wedding. My 30th was when she was 2 months old and we managed to have a nice meal out up the road, with GPs babysitting. With DD2 we went to a child-free wedding. She was 3 months old, in a room upstairs with my mum and I was popping up to feed her. My dad looked after four year old DD1 for the day with my aunty.

I think with a baby at three months old, while she may not be able to commit to a weekend of activities but she might be able to join your for a drink or two in the evening bit? I would expect that she may not be able to come at that stage if the baby is sick or the birth is difficult or if she struggles with feeding or expressing, or she feels she can't leave her, but to ask if she can come with baby to the whole thing is ridiculous.

I think she’s going to have to give it a miss if she can’t leave the baby. Could you go to Dublin at a later date and do something nice just the 2 of you?

This is what I would do.

If I had a hen do, I wouldn't want older children or babies there but a 3 month old I would have no problem with if that was the only way a friend could come.

It's obviously up to the OP though. And depends what she wants to do.

Baby cant come to hen do. Not fair on you or everyone else. Also agree it is young to leave baby to travel here. She may be happy to, but also good chance she won't.

Perhaps she can visit family in Bristol and leave baby for a few hours to join for a part of the day.

If I was your friend in this situation I'd ask my partner or mum to come with me and turn it into a short holiday. That way I'd see more of you, you could meet the baby, I could attend the hen do peacefully with someone I trust looking after the baby, and I wouldn't derail your plans.

Wow she is a bit of a CF asking for you to have a baby friendly activity for YOUR hen night. I could understand it if it was her wedding but somebody else’s, absolutely not

I would never impose my child on someone else’s event, especially an adult event, and if I couldn’t make it work then I would accept I would miss it.

It’s a realistic situation if you have a child that you will now miss out on things and me having a child shouldn’t mean that a friend has to make compromises on what is likely a one off event for them, to accommodate me

But I am annoyed on your behalf that she has even asked that to put you in the position that has to say no to her. That’s pretty shitty

Best plan is to have your hen do without her, and then do something baby friendly with her (you could fly to Ireland for a weekend or host her and husband). But having a baby at a hen do is madness and no fun for you or any of the others - and your hen do should be the one time the attention is on you. Even if you can't meet with her separately, you need to accept circumstances mean she misses your hen do. Which isn't the end of the world!

She certainly isn't unreasonable not to want to leave a 3 month old, but it's also fair enough to not want a baby at your hen.

I would let her off the hook very kindly and try to organise something separately.

Sounds like she has a touch of FOMO kicking in, saying she's going to feel left out if she doesn't come. That's really unfair on you for her to say this.

Plus she wouldn't even be allowed to fly in the later stages.

Square peg, round hole. Somethings just don’t fit.

I had one friend who was heavily pregnant and couldn't travel to my hen do. I went out for dinner with her instead and we had a lovely time.

I have only just started leaving my baby with professionals at nearly 11 months. You would have had to prise him out of my cold dead hands at 3 months old. Everyone is different- I’m sure there’ll be mums that come along saying that they left their triplets at 2 weeks old to go back to work and everyone was absolutely fine. But YABU to put any pressure on her to leave baby before she is ready. I don’t think you should alter your hen do plans though- as you say, it’s not fair for her to expect to change plans in place to make them baby friendly. Say that you’re sad that she won’t be there due to baby but plan something baby friendly for just the two (three) of you.

No-one other than the parents are interested in other people’s babies. I’m not that bothered about babies even as a grandparent. Prefer them when they start talking.

I agree with the OP here and can’t think of anything worse than someone else’s child at a hen do/party. It would change the atmosphere and spoil the event having a baby present.

Because its a hen do not a mother and baby club ,and you know the other hens might not appreciate a small baby at a hen do ,it kind of changes the dynamics
The Op has repeatedly said she understands her friend may have to pull out of the event

The actual issue here is the mum-to-be has FOMO. She's already left her home city and friends, so has just had a big life change, and now she's pregnant, the biggest life change a woman can have (in my view).

Such big changes in her life, and then to have her best friend's wedding and hen do, I totally get that she has fear of missing out. She's likely feeling a little left out since moving away.

But all that said, these are things she has to come to terms with, and if you really don't want her baby at the hen do, that's your decision, and that's ok. I think she is right not to want to leave her baby, I wouldn't either, therefore, she really needs to accept that she can't have everything she wants sadly.

If you're planning a big night out, baby wouldn't be allowed in the venues anyway, and it's unfair of her to expect you to have a baby-friendly hen do.

I can't remember if you've already offered to go see her in Dublin, but if you haven't I'd absolutely do that, then you can both go do an Afternoon Tea over there or something together, with baby.

I'd broach this very sensitively with her...say something along the lines of:

"Jane, you know how much I love you, and I'm so excited for you having your baby. However, I really don't want a baby-friendly hen do, please do not take offence, but it's a big thing for me and I want everyone to relax and let our hair down. I absolutely understand that baby will be too young for you to leave, that's why I'm absolutely ok with you not being able to make it, I would never expect or pressure you do leave baby.

I really do appreciate your feelings of feeling left out, I understand this is a big life changing time for you. Would it help if we did a couple of fun video calls with you whilst out? Or would you prefer us not to mention it? I really want to work with you to make you feel ok about not being able to join us, so I'm happy to follow your lead with this.

Jane, instead, I'd really love to fly over to Dublin and have an Afternoon Tea with you and baby instead. I'd love to meet baby when he/she's here and spend some quality time together. I'd love to see your new home and see a snippet of our new life over there! I really hope that this is a good compromise for us both. I love you xxx"

The Op isn't putting any pressure on her friends and has reepeatedly said she understands why her friend might not be able to come ,it's the friend that wants to come with the baby.

If you are a good friend you will understand she has a bigger priority than a stupid drinking session. She’ll be at your wedding and part of your life afterwards, the hen do is just a party, don’t make her feel bad that her tiny infant comes first! Get in there first and tell her you would love her to be there but understand it’s a big ask and you don’t expect it! Babies do not belong at hen dos

If I had spent money and time attending a hen to find out a 3 month old was attending, this would really put me off going and I would probably cancel. I would have a hard time being on the night out with the mother as her perceived entitlement to have her baby with her at any cost at the expense of the enjoyment of everyone else would really piss me off!

People need to accept there are certain things they cannot do when they are parents of a small baby. It seems to now be the norm that certain parents want to impose their small children on adults-only events. A hen do is no place for a baby, even if it's not party-heavy, it will be made all about the baby. Your friend is entitled and you are entitled to have the hen you want without it being ruined by a screaming baby.

At 3 mos …. I would have preferred to stay home. Did one stressful wedding w new baby, it was near home & I left early.

You’ve no idea if she’s finding it easy, or struggling.

just talk to her & don’t be selfish bridezilla

You making a lot of effort for her hen do doesn’t mean anything in this situation. She can’t help when she’s fallen pregnant it’s just one of those things.

That being said her baby 100% should not be at the hen do. She either needs to leave it with her partner or not come. But that’s her decision to make and you can’t be annoyed if she decides she isn’t ready to be in a different country to her baby by the time your hen do rolls round.

My 3 nieces (7 & under) were at my hen do, as they were also bridesmaids. Wasn't a problem at all - didn't specifically make it child friendly but they joined in with the chosen activities.
Everyone had a lovely time and wasn't an issue at all.
Baby might be slightly different but she can't leave a 3 month old in another country. Think it is amazing she is trying to get there. Really think you should find a way to incorporate her.

Wanting a child free hen do is not being a bridezilla. Ffs 🤦‍♀️

Because its a hen do not a mother and baby club
I think its madder expecting a baby ti be accommodated tbh
I'm 51 next week so at an age where I over raucous nights out
But even having a baby at a sedate meal and drinks would change the dynamics.