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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Infant at a hen do

523 replies

BrislingtonCat · 29/10/2024 12:26

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

OP posts:
Delatron · 29/10/2024 12:38

I’d do something separate with her - you fly over and visit her on a different date.

The baby might even be late so will be younger than 3 months old.

WaltzingWaters · 29/10/2024 12:38

Obviously very much depends on the type of hen do you’re having. But even if it’s not a heavy drinking type hen-do, it’s still not ideal. But I also wouldn’t have wanted to leave my 3mo to go to another country, and if she’s breastfeeding it’ll be difficult to do.

Could you just agree to do something else just with her (and baby) at another time? So you still get to see her but she doesn’t feel pressured to either be on a hen do with her baby or leave her young baby.

Moonshiners · 29/10/2024 12:41

It depends on your Hen Do! I had two. One was a classic night out in a big city and that would have been shit for a baby. The other one was a weekend in the countryside and my friend bought her three-year-old as a single parent she wouldn't have come otherwise. And that was great. However a 3-month-old could either be amazing and sleep all the time and barely be noticed or be a crying colicky mess and ruin everything so it's very hard to know.
Could you do a separate hen do thing with your friend? Or maybe a couple of close friends that she is also friends with on top of the other more crazy thing.

FlyingHighFlyingLow · 29/10/2024 12:42

Honestly it's a non-starter. There's no way I'd have willingly left my 3mo and obv a hen do is no place for baby.

I'd respond saying what's planned isn't really suitable for a baby, but you understand that means she can't come and maybe offer to go over to Dublin to do something baby friendly with her at another date?

Original poster
BrislingtonCat · 29/10/2024 12:43

85isalive · 29/10/2024 12:36

OP - have you the option to fly to her for a night, and do something local to her, separate to your hen? You'll have a chance to meet her baby and have a nice day with your friend, without having to compromise on your hen. Trying to make a hen baby friendly isn't a great idea.

I have offered this but she said she would feel really left out of the hen do. I will likely do that in any case as I can’t wait to meet her baby!

thanks everyone - I honestly hadn’t expected her to come at all, so I’ve been a bit taken aback that she was trying to make it work and I really appreciate it from her. Will have a difficult chat.

I am also allowing her to have the baby at the wedding (it will be 9m at that point) where we have not allowed anyone else so hopefully that takes the sting out of it.

OP posts:
DustyAmuseAlien · 29/10/2024 12:45

Yanbu a hen do is not a hen do with a baby present.
Do not pressure her to leave the baby with a stranger.

If her husband can come to Bristol and can look after the baby nearby so that she can go and be with them occasionally during the weekend that would be fine. If she's not willing to do that she'll have to sit that out - maybe have a child-friendly event with her & her baby on a different weekend.

angellinaballerina7 · 29/10/2024 12:46

YANBU that a baby can’t come, but you need to make it very clear that it isn’t unreasonable if she can’t make it without the baby.

Daleksatemyshed · 29/10/2024 12:46

A hen weekend isn't suitable for a baby unless it's all going to be quiet and laid back. Even if your friend is willing to do it now I can't imagine she'll enjoy the journey with a three month old and if she has bad birth injuries or the baby is poorly she'll end up not coming. Arrange the hen do you want Op and tell your friend you'll see her at the wedding

Cautionsharpblade · 29/10/2024 12:47

Bless her for offering to give it a go with a small baby. Would it be easier if you had your Bristol hen night without her, and travelled to Dublin to do something special just with her (and baby) that’s more relaxing?

Just saw your update that that isn’t an option. If she insists on bringing the baby, make sure to let the other hens know. I’d want to drop out.

coxesorangepippin · 29/10/2024 12:47

She can't come

That's what having kids is

RubyRooRed · 29/10/2024 12:47

To be honest , also if I knew that someone’s baby was coming to a hen do I wouldn’t go.
As a mother , I’d want a break and a child free environment.
Would also have strongly felt the same pre kids too.
Be prepared for other hens to decline …

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/10/2024 12:49

Can you not bring the hen do forward and have it while she is still pregnant?

DisforDarkChocolate · 29/10/2024 12:49

Honestly, let her miss the hen do without any guilt.

Could she come over a day earlier for the wedding and spend some time with you?

tiredandbaggy · 29/10/2024 12:49

No she can’t leave a 3 month old. Wouldn’t work with breastfeeding and even if not bf she probably won’t want to.

Going against the grain here but I brought my one yr old on my sisters hen with the blessing of my sister. I was still breastfeeding and baby didn’t take a bottle. It was two nights away which felt too much at the time. We stayed in a posh hotel. Husband and baby had their own room. I fed her first thing in the morning and at bedtime. She only joined the group at breakfast so didn’t steal the show too much but obviously my sister loved her niece and was happy to adapt to having her there.

I don’t understand why your friend couldn’t bring husband and baby to be nearby and your friend could join in with some of the activities. Obviously she doesn’t know her baby yet but at 3 months mine would have been fine at an afternoon tea or brunch obviously they wouldn’t come to the evening event.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/10/2024 12:50

GiraffeTree · 29/10/2024 12:33

I went to a friend's hen do when my DD was under 3 months but it was very hard. I was exclusively breastfeeding so I had to express enough milk for her (this was really difficult for me) and she'd never had a bottle before (I had tried - she'd always refused) so DH had quite a struggle before she eventually accepted it!

I made the effort as it was a close friend but I'm not sure she appreciated how difficult it was for me.

This I did this and it was a night out in the City I lived in. A night away ? completely out of the question.

Amyknows · 29/10/2024 12:50

Cautionsharpblade · 29/10/2024 12:47

Bless her for offering to give it a go with a small baby. Would it be easier if you had your Bristol hen night without her, and travelled to Dublin to do something special just with her (and baby) that’s more relaxing?

Just saw your update that that isn’t an option. If she insists on bringing the baby, make sure to let the other hens know. I’d want to drop out.

Edited

What bless her for?

She is putting Op in a very awkward position and asking everyone else to do the same.
She's having a baby and wants life to be the same, that's not going to work.
She wants it to work around her, anyone with the tiniest bit of common sense knows a 3mo doesn't belong at a hen do. She knows this too but she still wants to make it awkward for others. Op offered to go see her but that isn't good enough.

Amyknows · 29/10/2024 12:51

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 29/10/2024 12:49

Can you not bring the hen do forward and have it while she is still pregnant?

But then it's another drama over what she can and
Can't do heavily pregnant.

ShowmetheBotox · 29/10/2024 12:52

No chance. I had similar with a very close friend.

It’s tricky - and understandable but sometimes when women get pregnant they feel as though the universe centres around them and their baby. In their world it does which is understandable

I’ve been in a VERY similar situation but it too outing to put on here.

But no, your allowed a drunken night out on your hen do and that doesn’t include having to coo over a three month old.

Maybe have an afternoon tea for mum’s with kids ect..

x2boys · 29/10/2024 12:53

BrislingtonCat · 29/10/2024 12:26

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work.

She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children.

Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad.

so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

Just tell her the baby can't come ,wether it's to early to leave a baby or not ( people will have different ideas ) a hen do is a completely innnapropriate event to bring a baby too.

AutumnLeaves24 · 29/10/2024 12:53

Why are you having the hen do months before the wedding??

why in gods name would anyone expect the husband to come over from Dubai to look after the baby for a hen do?

why would she come over from Dubai for a hen do?

the world has gone mad!!

Coolbreezee · 29/10/2024 12:53

Whatsitreallylike · 29/10/2024 12:33

She isn’t unreasonable not leaving a 3 month old, not a chance in the world I would do it. Breastfeeding in itself would make it impossible.

You are not being unreasonable not to have a baby at the hen do, it’s completely inappropriate.

Only option is for her not to come and to do something separate to celebrate. Don’t make her feel bad for it and don’t accept her making you feel bad either.

This.

Neurodiversitydoctor · 29/10/2024 12:53

BrislingtonCat · 29/10/2024 12:43

I have offered this but she said she would feel really left out of the hen do. I will likely do that in any case as I can’t wait to meet her baby!

thanks everyone - I honestly hadn’t expected her to come at all, so I’ve been a bit taken aback that she was trying to make it work and I really appreciate it from her. Will have a difficult chat.

I am also allowing her to have the baby at the wedding (it will be 9m at that point) where we have not allowed anyone else so hopefully that takes the sting out of it.

Show quote history

Please don't do this OP I went to a " childfree" wedding where someone close to the bride had brought their baby along. I sat next a to a breast feeding mother who was in tears because she had had to find childcare. Either children or not or something equitable like under 1s only anything else just isn't fair.

Cautionsharpblade · 29/10/2024 12:53

@amyknows over the last 20 years I’ve been dropped so hard by so many friends once they’ve had kids that I’m impressed someone making an effort. Can’t say I love the solution but at least she’s trying.

Parmavioletsgal · 29/10/2024 12:55

I think you’re a great caring friend for considering this.

But please don’t do it. As a mum of a young DS, he is always centre of attention when we go out as others coo over him. You’ll find everyone too interested in baby rather than your hen do.

I personally wouldn’t do it, for multiple reasons really. Enjoy your day, celebrate with your friend another time x

Parmavioletsgal · 29/10/2024 12:57

BrislingtonCat · 29/10/2024 12:33

Thank you! The issue is that she lives in another country so would have to travel and feels it is too early to leave her baby overnight , which I totally understand, so she’s asking whether we can have a baby friendly activity during the day. I’m reluctant as it would become all about the new baby (understandably) and although I don’t want to be narcissistic, I put a LOT of effort into her hen do and also want to make sure it’s fun for everyone else making the effort to come!

You’re not being selfish and as a mum I promise you it would become all about baby! xx enjoy your day and congratulations on getting married soon