Page 21 | Infant at a hen do

BrislingtonCat · 2024-10-29T12:26:05+00:00

We are in our late 20s and I have recently got engaged, and I don’t have children yet. My oldest and closest friend has just told me that she’s pregnant. She also moved to Dublin with her husband for their work. She is a co-MOH. The current plan is for the hen to be a night out in Bristol (where I live and where she is from), and I believe my other MOH is planning some sort of activity during the day as well. None of my other friends have children. Her child will be 3 months by the time we have the hen do, and she has said she cannot come unless the baby can come too. I feel strongly that a hen do is no place for a child, but I also desperately want her to be there as I so rarely get to see her given she has moved abroad. so I am turning to the mums out there! Is 3m too young to leave and AIBU by telling her that her baby cannot come? I understand if that means she cannot come at all and would respect that.

SouthLondonMum22 · 04/11/2024 23:22

Shelby2010 · 04/11/2024 23:05

You might have missed that the OP said none of the other hens have children yet.

Maybe the OP should also consider that when the next person in their group gets married, that she could be the one breastfeeding a newborn. Maybe she should think about how she would like to be treated, given she will be setting the precedent one way or the other.

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You mean like making an exception for her friend and allowing the baby to go to the wedding? She's already doing that.

I'm stunned that some people seem to think that OP's special occasions need to revolve around this baby.

EdithBond · 04/11/2024 23:26

@EnfysHeulenEira

“Maybe time you learnt that before you lose all your friends”

Wow.

BellissimoGecko · 04/11/2024 23:43

Oh, don't be so flaming daft, @EdithBond ! The OP should have the hen do SHE wants - just like her friend who is now pg did!

Op does not have to change her plans for her friend. Op has already been kind and accommodating.

Her friend need to cop on to herself and stop being so selfish. Every mum needs to make sacrifices, and if you are BFing, then you may have to turn down some social occasions.

EnfysHeulenEira · 05/11/2024 00:00

EdithBond · 04/11/2024 23:26

@EnfysHeulenEira

“Maybe time you learnt that before you lose all your friends”

Wow.

True though. No one wants your baby at adult only events. Not discrimination, just the truth

EdithBond · 05/11/2024 00:32

This thread is wild. Where is all this toxicity coming from?

@EnfysHeulenEira You double down and say it’s ‘true’ that if I don’t ‘learn’ (i.e. share your views) I’ll lose all my friends. Really?

@BellissimoGecko “Don’t be so flaming daft”? If people don’t agree with you, they’re ‘daft’ are they?

SouthLondonMum22 · 05/11/2024 00:39

EdithBond · 05/11/2024 00:32

This thread is wild. Where is all this toxicity coming from?

@EnfysHeulenEira You double down and say it’s ‘true’ that if I don’t ‘learn’ (i.e. share your views) I’ll lose all my friends. Really?

@BellissimoGecko “Don’t be so flaming daft”? If people don’t agree with you, they’re ‘daft’ are they?

This thread is certainly wild.

EdithBond · 05/11/2024 01:04

You, on the other hand, have argued a different point of view to me, without resorting to being rude. Thank you 🙏

Why some women (if they are all women) have to attack other women so much, on a forum for women, is a mystery to me.

dragonfliesandbees · 05/11/2024 06:18

YerArseInParsley · 04/11/2024 22:25

The mother to be is asking her friend to arrange a hen do around her baby, it puts pressure on the op because it doesn't sound like the op wants to be restricted at her own hen do and she shouldn't be, this is her time. I think the friend is incredibly selfish especially after the friend got the hen do SHE wanted, she's had her turn.

I personally would just tell the friend, sorry, Louise is organising it and it's not going to be suitable for a baby, we could have another mini hen do 3 months before the wedding and go for a meal.

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I don’t see anything wrong with her asking the question. I agree that OP should have the hen do she wants and if that means saying no to bringing the baby then that’s fine.

I personally would tell the friend she is welcome to bring the baby along during the day because it would be far more important to me to have her there than to have the day baby free. But each to their own.

If I was the friend I would be delighted to be included but would understand if it wasn’t possible. I have mentioned a few times that I took my own baby to a hen do (day time part only and she was explicitly invited). She fed and slept and was no bother. There were also events I missed because they weren’t suitable for baby and that was fine too.

Anyway I think OP is long gone so we’ll probably never know what she decides…

x2boys · 05/11/2024 07:34

stichguru · 04/11/2024 23:11

3 months doesn't HAVE to be to young to leave the baby, but it is young enough that the mother may not want to leave and that is FINE. Also, if the mother wants to breast feed, it is perfectly possible that the child will be exclusively breast fed (far too young for solids and may not take a bottle if she's never had to before), so the child would HAVE to be with her mother for maybe 30 mins every 3 hours min! I don't think you are wrong to want a baby free hen do, but if you don't and your friend says she cannot attend, that probably means she CANNOT and you have to be ok with that.

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The Op is ok with that ,its,the friend that wants to bring the baby.

Itssodark · 07/11/2024 13:33

x2boys · 01/11/2024 08:19

For the umpteenth time the Op isn't expecting the friend to attend it was the friend that suggested she attend with the baby.

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Take deep breaths.

This was just my way of answering the question. It night not be the best answer in the world but everything will be OK.

another1bitestheduck · 07/11/2024 16:49

EdithBond · 04/11/2024 20:20

There’s been some real nastiness on this thread.

My comments have been called ‘crazy’ (an offensive term used about people with mental health disabilities and illnesses) and ‘completely ridiculous’ because I have a different opinion to other people, even though I’ve repeatedly said I respect theirs. My experience has been questioned. Assumptions have been made about me. I’ve been attacked for saying things I did not say.

At no point have I said breastfeeding is comparable to having a disability. In fact, I explicitly made clear I wasn’t saying that. However, for those who were offended by the analogy I did make, I’ve apologised and said it wasn’t my intention to offend. I don’t want to cause further offence or appear insensitive by continuing to explain.

There’s too much judgemental and attacking language on this site, despite the guidelines. I see it badly affecting other posters, some of whom are clearly feeling vulnerable. If you can’t read a different opinion to your own without attacking, you shouldn’t be on a discussion forum. The OP was asking for opinions. I gave mine. Others gave theirs. It’s how it works. It’s fine to disagree or question someone’s argument. But it’s important to do it kindly, politely and respectfully.

I want to live in a society where breastfeeding mothers are welcomed and included. I see it as a women’s rights issue. I don’t want them having to make the stark ‘choice’ of leave their baby at home, necessitating giving up/undermining breastfeeding, or stay at home with their baby and not participating. A number of PPs have said they’ve welcomed and included family and friends with babies on hen dos, proving it’s certainly possible and even desirable. Over a third of people think the OP is being unreasonable.

I realise some people don’t want to welcome and include breastfeeding mothers in some social events. They don’t want babies at a hen do, even if that inevitably excludes the mother. Even when she’s a close friend or family member. They brand a woman who’s asked if she could bring her baby as ‘selfish’. That’s up to them.

But is it any wonder such a woefully tiny percentage of mothers in the UK follow the WHO/UNICEF guidelines of ebf until 6 months and bf with solids until 2 years and beyond?

But is it any wonder such a woefully tiny percentage of mothers in the UK follow the WHO/UNICEF guidelines of ebf until 6 months and bf with solids until 2 years and beyond?

Of course. Low breast feeding levels isn't due to a lack of medical support, or women being chucked out of hospital as soon as they've delivered, or a reduction in the availability of health visitors, or increased availability and variety of alternative formulas, or cost of living meaning women need to go back to work earlier, or lack of pumping/feeding facilities in workplaces, or just an increased acceptance of a woman's right to CHOOSE how she feeds her baby....no it's all due to women being excluded from hen parties 😁

You are accusing others of being mean and rude to you on an online forum but don't seem to understand that you are effectively calling OP (and the majority who agree with her) selfish, a poor friend, and now apparently contributory to low breast feeding rates in the UK, all because she wants to have the type of hen do she wants, to celebrate her wedding? A one off event. Not systematic exclusion from all social events.

Not to mention the very thinly veiled inference that breast feeding is the right way to do mothering and therefore anyone who doesn't do so for two years is wrong....

BigManLittleDignity · 07/11/2024 18:57

Women should be encouraged and supported to breastfeed - if that’s their choice. They shouldn’t feel they have to cover up feeding their child while eating at pizza express or in a shopping centre or at a friend’s house or in the GP surgery waiting room etc. Taking babies on an adult only event is a whole different ballgame. It is incomparable.

Nanny0gg · 07/11/2024 19:09

GinAndJuice99 · 29/10/2024 13:20

These replies are mad. Why can't you have a three month old at a hen do? Do you all get so out of control that you'd be a danger to a baby?

It's not like the baby is going to know what's going on and I doubt she'd be out all night

Don't tell me babied don't interrupt whatever's going on.

And why should the other hens have to have their weekend that they've paid for potentially spoiled

EdithBond · 08/11/2024 21:41

another1bitestheduck · 07/11/2024 16:49

But is it any wonder such a woefully tiny percentage of mothers in the UK follow the WHO/UNICEF guidelines of ebf until 6 months and bf with solids until 2 years and beyond?

Of course. Low breast feeding levels isn't due to a lack of medical support, or women being chucked out of hospital as soon as they've delivered, or a reduction in the availability of health visitors, or increased availability and variety of alternative formulas, or cost of living meaning women need to go back to work earlier, or lack of pumping/feeding facilities in workplaces, or just an increased acceptance of a woman's right to CHOOSE how she feeds her baby....no it's all due to women being excluded from hen parties 😁

You are accusing others of being mean and rude to you on an online forum but don't seem to understand that you are effectively calling OP (and the majority who agree with her) selfish, a poor friend, and now apparently contributory to low breast feeding rates in the UK, all because she wants to have the type of hen do she wants, to celebrate her wedding? A one off event. Not systematic exclusion from all social events.

Not to mention the very thinly veiled inference that breast feeding is the right way to do mothering and therefore anyone who doesn't do so for two years is wrong....

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Of course it’s not all due to women being excluded from social events (such as hen dos) by their (in this case, oldest and closest) women friends.

Of course, all of the things you cite (and many more factors) lead to low breastfeeding rates. They are further examples of breastfeeding women failing to be supported and welcomed in society.

I’m not calling anyone anything. I’m purely giving my opinion (as asked for by the OP) and saying I respect the opinions of other women.

There’s no ‘thinly veiled inference’. It’s WHO/UNICEF guidelines, based on evidence. Again, I respect women having a choice not to follow these guidelines.

Just as I respect breastfeeding women (with their babies) having a choice whether to attend social events with their friends.

Littlesandjoolz · 30/12/2024 11:52

SouthLondonMum22 · 01/11/2024 15:27

In the UK? That isn’t the case at all.

We have poor breastfeeding rates.

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I'm a breastfeeding Counsellor. I know my stats!

SouthLondonMum22 · 30/12/2024 12:11

Littlesandjoolz · 30/12/2024 11:52

I'm a breastfeeding Counsellor. I know my stats!

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You clearly don’t. In the UK, 82% of 6 month olds are most definitely not exclusively breastfed. It is very well known that breastfeeding rates are poor.

Parker231 · 30/12/2024 15:56

EdithBond · 04/11/2024 23:26

@EnfysHeulenEira

“Maybe time you learnt that before you lose all your friends”

Wow.

I had an adults only hen do and no children/babies wedding. Didn’t loose any friends - they accepted that’s how I wanted the events

ForCoralEagle · 05/01/2026 06:11

How was it?
I am intrigued as I’m in this same position too in a few weeks time! It's local hen party about 40mins away in a cottage where all female family will be and some of bride's friends that I don't know too well.
I do not want to be away from my baby at nearly 10 weeks old but also I am MOH and don't want to miss the party for my friend. I could travel home for nights but bride is keen for me to bring baby for the whole weekend. I am not sure if it's fair on other guests (7 are not family) to take a 9 week old or whether it is the right environment for a baby. Although it is based in the cottage for the two nights and not a wild one... it is hard to know what to do.

pinkyredrose · 05/01/2026 10:27

ForCoralEagle · 05/01/2026 06:11

How was it?
I am intrigued as I’m in this same position too in a few weeks time! It's local hen party about 40mins away in a cottage where all female family will be and some of bride's friends that I don't know too well.
I do not want to be away from my baby at nearly 10 weeks old but also I am MOH and don't want to miss the party for my friend. I could travel home for nights but bride is keen for me to bring baby for the whole weekend. I am not sure if it's fair on other guests (7 are not family) to take a 9 week old or whether it is the right environment for a baby. Although it is based in the cottage for the two nights and not a wild one... it is hard to know what to do.

Edited

Don't take the baby, it's unfair on everyone else.

Thatdontimpressmemuchh · 05/01/2026 12:05

ForCoralEagle · 05/01/2026 06:11

How was it?
I am intrigued as I’m in this same position too in a few weeks time! It's local hen party about 40mins away in a cottage where all female family will be and some of bride's friends that I don't know too well.
I do not want to be away from my baby at nearly 10 weeks old but also I am MOH and don't want to miss the party for my friend. I could travel home for nights but bride is keen for me to bring baby for the whole weekend. I am not sure if it's fair on other guests (7 are not family) to take a 9 week old or whether it is the right environment for a baby. Although it is based in the cottage for the two nights and not a wild one... it is hard to know what to do.

Edited

Don't take the baby, it is so unfair on the others and will make your friend's hen all about you and the baby. I would be livid if I had been looking forward to a night out to celebrate my friend's hen and someone had brought along their baby or small child. So much so, I would probably leave as I do not want to spend my precious leisure time around someone else's baby. Hen parties can cost the guests a significant amount of money and some of the women may have arranged childcare for their own kids.

Nopenott0day · 05/01/2026 12:33

Even with the world's greatest fake id I doubt the baby will be allowed into a club.

MrsSunshine2b · 05/01/2026 12:44

ForCoralEagle · 05/01/2026 06:11

How was it?
I am intrigued as I’m in this same position too in a few weeks time! It's local hen party about 40mins away in a cottage where all female family will be and some of bride's friends that I don't know too well.
I do not want to be away from my baby at nearly 10 weeks old but also I am MOH and don't want to miss the party for my friend. I could travel home for nights but bride is keen for me to bring baby for the whole weekend. I am not sure if it's fair on other guests (7 are not family) to take a 9 week old or whether it is the right environment for a baby. Although it is based in the cottage for the two nights and not a wild one... it is hard to know what to do.

Edited

The bride wants you to bring the baby and it's her party.

If it's a nice chilled out weekend in a cottage, I don't see why the baby would be an issue for anyone else, as long as she's not crying all night long and keeping everyone awake.

MrsSunshine2b · 05/01/2026 13:28

Littlesandjoolz · 30/12/2024 11:52

I'm a breastfeeding Counsellor. I know my stats!

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Could you share where the stats are from? As far as I learned when I did my peer supporter course, there hadn't been a nationwide survey done since 2016 but at the time only 1% of babies were EBF at 6 months. If there's been more research done since then I'd like to see it.

Having said that, I'm not sure the official definition of EBF is that helpful- i.e never had a drop of formula. A baby that was tube fed a formula top up as a newborn in NICU is still just as dependent on nursing as a baby who didn't.