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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want DH to say yes to a cat!

193 replies

Fluffyballofwool · 28/10/2024 23:35

Me and the kids (13, 10) really really want a cat. DH doesn’t. He’s not allergic or anything. Just says he doesn’t want one. Didn’t grow up with cats so ‘can’t see the point’. So it’s a no. We can’t have one.

I feel he is being selfish and doesn’t have a strong enough reason why not. It’s making me very unhappy! The kids and I adore cats.

If it was the other way around and he wanted a dog (he grew up with them) I would say yes. I don’t want a dog but if it made DH happy then there’s no question.

AIBU to feel he’s being unnecessarily stubborn?!

OP posts:
Insertarandomwordhere · 29/10/2024 00:43

fallenbranches · 29/10/2024 00:21

I get to an extent that everyone has to be on board with a pet and it's not nice to force a pet on anyone that doesn't want one. However...with this I feel kids end up losing out on the childhood experience and benefits of what a pet can bring. Kids shouldn't lose out because of our likes and dislikes as adults. Cats are probably the easiest pets to have, I have had them all my life. Having a pet teaches kids a lot, mine have learnt to respect boundaries and behaviours of our cat and it's been a great learning curve for them.

I’m ok with my kids “losing out” on having a pet because I don’t want to live with one. Other kids “lose out” on the experience of having a sibling because their parents only want one child, or on travel abroad because their parents prefer UK caravan holidays, or on football training because their parents don’t want to spend every Saturday morning ferrying them about, or on spontaneous family days out because they can’t leave the dog their parents wanted by itself for more than an hour.

And that’s all fine. Nobody can have every thing or every experience and usually there’s more than one way for a child to learn things or grow as a person.

JaceLancs · 29/10/2024 00:47

Could you foster short term for a charity and see where that leads
I’m lucky that we are all agreed cats rock

DarkBlueStocking · 29/10/2024 00:54

Insertarandomwordhere · 29/10/2024 00:43

I’m ok with my kids “losing out” on having a pet because I don’t want to live with one. Other kids “lose out” on the experience of having a sibling because their parents only want one child, or on travel abroad because their parents prefer UK caravan holidays, or on football training because their parents don’t want to spend every Saturday morning ferrying them about, or on spontaneous family days out because they can’t leave the dog their parents wanted by itself for more than an hour.

And that’s all fine. Nobody can have every thing or every experience and usually there’s more than one way for a child to learn things or grow as a person.

Show quote history

Exactly. I’m fine with DS missing out on having a dog because it’s more important to me that I don’t want to look after one and have my life restricted by it. I’m fine with him missing out on having a sibling because it’s more important that I didn’t want a second child.

workstealssleep · 29/10/2024 00:56

We got a cat and I regret it. Had it 4 years now. I don't like the hair everywhere, smell of the food, responsibility, fleas, extra cost, being disturbed in the night. I hate the mice, rats, birds etc
Honestly, he could really resent it. I was on board, too, but would really rather not have a cat.

ilovesooty · 29/10/2024 01:00

thursdaymurderclub · 29/10/2024 00:15

oh we used to have a cat who loved to play fetch!

Show quote history

I've got two cats. One of them loves playing fetch.

HideousKinky · 29/10/2024 01:01

MY DH was very reluctant to have a cat but agreed because our DDs were desperate for one. He never had pets as a child so at first was vey wary and never went near the kitten. Now 12 years later he has grown to be fascinated by DCat, talks to him and is as amused/delighted by his antics as the rest of us.
Do you think your DH could be a Cat Convert too?

Duckingella · 29/10/2024 01:24

My husband doesn't like cats;he didn't want any:we have 3;he adores them;the girl cat is daddy's little princess;he would fight me for her in a divorce (he told me that)

learieonthewildmoor · 29/10/2024 01:45

Sit down with him and tell him that it will make you and the kids happy. Does the happiness of yourself and the kids matter to him? Can he let go of his idea that there’s no point because he loves you and the children and wants them to be happy?
My dh was all “absolutely not, here’s all the reasons we shouldn’t have a cat” so we had the conversation above, and the kitten is coming Nov 10th.

WitchesCauldron · 29/10/2024 02:28

Fluffyballofwool · 28/10/2024 23:50

I just feel he’s not got a valid reason to say no.

We have the time the space the money. And the kids are a great age to have a cat.

It’s really irritated me that he can see how much happiness it would bring us but he has arbitrarily said no. He won’t be swayed and we’re not allowed to talk about it anymore apparently!

What a misery. To my mind cats are the perfect amount of pet. Cuddly & furry but happy for you to go out all day if you need to. I'm definitely #teamMog

Hateam · 29/10/2024 03:29

Not wanting a cat does not make somebody a misery.

It does not make somebody a bad husband.

It does not make somebody a bad father.

Forcing someone to have a cat when they don't want to does make someone a bad partner.

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/10/2024 03:40

See I think forcing someone to NOT have a pet when they really badly want one, its a suitable pet for the home, budget etc etc and the 'not wanter' hasn't got a strong reason like 'i hate them/scared of them/allergic to them' simply 'I can't see the point'... is also not OK.

This sounds like you have a deeper seated DP/DH problem though OP. If you think he is saying no simply because it wasn't his idea/its a way to control you...

Hateam · 29/10/2024 03:47

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/10/2024 03:40

See I think forcing someone to NOT have a pet when they really badly want one, its a suitable pet for the home, budget etc etc and the 'not wanter' hasn't got a strong reason like 'i hate them/scared of them/allergic to them' simply 'I can't see the point'... is also not OK.

This sounds like you have a deeper seated DP/DH problem though OP. If you think he is saying no simply because it wasn't his idea/its a way to control you...

I strongly disagree with everything you've said.

Hateam · 29/10/2024 03:57

learieonthewildmoor · 29/10/2024 01:45

Sit down with him and tell him that it will make you and the kids happy. Does the happiness of yourself and the kids matter to him? Can he let go of his idea that there’s no point because he loves you and the children and wants them to be happy?
My dh was all “absolutely not, here’s all the reasons we shouldn’t have a cat” so we had the conversation above, and the kitten is coming Nov 10th.

Bringing emotional blackmail into a marriage rarely ends well.

Florally · 29/10/2024 04:04

Obviously not a popular opinion… but cats destroy all the furniture, you can’t keep food away from them (like dogs) by putting on a high surface, they’re also a bit ‘nothing’. They don’t do a lot. I wouldn’t get cats again.

craftysnake · 29/10/2024 04:31

Just get a cat

Whaleandsnail6 · 29/10/2024 04:47

I think its ok for an adult to not wish to share their home or lives with, or have to take responsibility for an animal they dont want so I do think the "not wanter' should get the final say.

I have been round houses where the cat can get in every room, on kitchen work surfaces, on people's knees, meowing for food or attention...I love cats so all this wouldnt bother me but for someone who doesn't want one, its a lot to deal with day in day out. The cat fur on furniture and clothes, a potentially smelly litter tray, walking on food prep areas, meowing in the night/early mornings, vet bills, pet insurance, holiday care, potentially bringing little creatures into the house that are either dead or alive ...for someone who doesn't want a cat, I can see a list of negatives, even if one intends to do all of the work, there is times it will fall to the other.

Sorry op, but I do think for a pet both you and dh have to be on board and want it

Edingril · 29/10/2024 04:49

Kibble29 · 28/10/2024 23:55

Just get one. What’s he gonna do when the little fluffer is already there? It’s too late, husband, too late. 😁

Please tell me that is not a genuine suggestion from an adult?

iloveeverykindofcat · 29/10/2024 05:46

No, don't just get one. As per username I love cats and find them generally very easy pets - except for the period of introducing 2 cats to each other, but that wouldn't apply in your case - but all animals take work and care and its not fair to the animal to have them in a house where someone doesn't want them. Plus you can't guarantee they won't have some needs that take up extra time/expense. I've got a girl with skin allergies. Its very manageable, and I can keep her symptoms very minimal, but it takes a special diet, brushing, ensuring she doesn't pick up and eat anything she shouldn't, a coat supplement and a gel for her feet. I got her from the shelter because her owners decided they didn't want a cat anymore. That's it, no other reason. She just didn't want a cat anymore.

I actually think there's a strong chance that non-cat lovers will come to love a cat once it lives with them. I've seen it happen 3 times now. But they do have to agree to live with the cat, at a minimum.

Shoxfordian · 29/10/2024 06:14

I love cats but my dh doesn't want one so we don't have one - you both have to be on board with any pets to get one.

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 29/10/2024 06:19

Not everyone is a cat person though.
As for “just get one,” go and look at the thread where a poster’s DH brought home a cat without her agreement. Somehow nobody seemed to be suggesting that she should suck it up, in fact the suggestion seemed to be to take it to the local rescue.

I have two cats I was talked into by my DS and I adore them. But things to consider:

They will scratch your furniture.
They will climb your curtains.
They will jump on kitchen worktops and you’ll need to remove them and in fact won’t always know they’ve been there.
If you let them out they will kill wildlife and bring it home.
They’ll wander off, sometimes never to return.
They’ll get run over.
My cat is recovering from FIP and has cost me £5000 in vet bills, plus I had to cancel a trip to my parents and use my annual leave to look after her. And I’ve now been told they will both need to be indoor cats because she will be immune compromised.
All of those are entirely valid reasons for not wanting a cat.

SD1978 · 29/10/2024 06:21

His valid reason is he doesn't want to. Any points you've made about it being a positive thing, have not persuaded him. I don't want a cat. I can't give a list why, necessarily, I just don't. And anything I said to someone who is pro cat, I'm sure they could refute, but the simple answer is I just don't want one. He probably feels similar!

Growsomeballswoman · 29/10/2024 06:49

Say yes to the cat sounds like a fantastic tv show. I'd watch that

SprigatitoYouAndIKnow · 29/10/2024 06:57

Me and the kids want a cat. Dp doesn't, because he doesn't like them, so we aren't getting a cat. Funny how everyone on here always says that the person who doesn't want another baby gets the casting vote but that doesn't apply to pets. Maybe they love the cats more 😂.

I don't want a dog and would be horrified if he suddenly tried pressuring me to get something that needs walking in horrible weather, picking up poo and not leaving alone for more than 2 hours. So just not liking them seems a fair enough reason.

LlynTegid · 29/10/2024 06:59

I think this is one of those things where everyone has to be in agreement. Same with having a dog. I would not want to live in a house with a dog, would love a cat but am away too much so it would not be kind for me to have one, I think.

iloveeverykindofcat · 29/10/2024 07:05

If you let them out they will kill wildlife and bring it home.

Yes, this is a big sticking point for a lot of people, understandably. My rescue girl is my first hunty cat. I've never had one that was a successful killer before and its the one aspect of being a cat servant that I really could do without. You can limit if by keeping them in at dawn at dusk but you can't prevent it completely unless you keep them indoors, and this is a cat that will not live indoors. The 3 weeks after I brought her home, before she could go out, she was literally banging on the windows.