Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

my daughter who is nurodivergent was like this , then all of a sudden she came out of it and brushes her teeth and looks after herself

Tough one.
My first thought was also ND.
I don't have any new ideas, sorry, but wish you all the best in helping your son move through this stage.

Literally took words out of my mouth. My son wasn't quite like this but some of the boys like him were/are. We found out when he was about 17 he has a genetic disorder which can lead to ASD/ADHD issues and also extreme lack of motivation and energy for every day tasks. This disorder is thought to affect 1 in 500 to 600 males but not all have any visible or psychological symptoms.

Hi op,

I can hear your fears. It is difficult.

I would bounce on something he likes? So maybe an outing that relates to his game? Or show that he loves? There are comics shop and special editions…
whatever he likes, juat get into it and find something outside that you can pay something for him.

Does he never ever ask about having nothing? These are your tools I would have said…

Keep us posted! You are NOT alone.

🌺

Are your preteens autistic ??

'Drag him out' yup that will work. Another clueless poster

Hi @LoveAlways1 from everything you have described it definitely sounds like your son is autistic (not wanting to socialise despite not being depressed, consequences not working, not washing, even the choosing to talk in a different accent is very typical. It is easy to mask in intelligent young people).

I hear what you are saying about how he probably wouldn’t want to be assessed. This is very common (I work in this area).

I think it might be worth reaching out to your local autism organisation to seek advice. There might be support groups you could join with other parents with similar teens and you wouldn’t necessarily need a diagnosis for this.

Also, try to see if your local early help team offers NVR for internalising behaviours. This approach could be really useful in helping him. Best of luck.

You drip fed that he is homeschooled. He doesnt have peers to compare himself to. He needs a reason , at his age, to take care of himself. Youve chosen this life for him but ypu clearly havent replicated the level of peer interaction he would be getting at school. Nor does he have the self esteem or impetus to just do it for himself. Something has been very lost in the homeschooling set up

He sounds like my DD. She's 13, autistic with pda traits and when shes struggling she can't even tolerate the demands to eat a meal or have a bath etc....
I'm not saying your son has the same issues, there are many paths that can lead a child to a state if overwhelm that has this same outcome.
However i think you should definitely look up pda. Children with pda don't demonstrate many of the more typical characteristics of autism, it took until starting secondary school to actually realise that with my DD (although her primary head has since told me she isn't surprised to hear she's autistic so maybe she saw something before I did)
And I work with early years children and have a reasonable understanding of SEN, so its definitely possible to not realise with your own child!!!

You said early on, he won’t tell you who he’s talking to because you want to know. Maybe he won’t shower etc because you want him to and are making a big deal of it. Now I get why you do this. I’d be the same. It’s natural.

Im just wondering if you stop pushing , will he maybe do more if it’s his own decision… not right away but once he twigs you ( apparently) don’t care any more if he washes or cleans his teeth?
sort of reverse psychology?
He isn’t at school or seeing other people just now so no one but you has to live with the state of him, so I’d be tempted to stop mentioning it for at least a couple of weeks.
Just a thought. I’m sure others have better advice. I haven’t read all pages.

Dear @LoveAlways1
I'm so sorry you're struggling. I recognise everything that you've said (but had to go for a cup of tea before I replied, as I got so angry with the 'tough love' replies..)
Tough love does not & will not work. Stay emotionally as close to him as you can, don't lie to him, don't make appointments he can't get to, etc, as it's important that he knows he can trust you absolutely.
I do think he's ND. I have ND kids, & - well, when you've met one ND kid, you've met one ND kid. They are SO different, what one can tolerate, another can't. It took me a while too to accept that they were ND!

They are wonderful. We're a happy family.

I like @MarchingOnTogether 's post. Very calm, very reasoned.

I got over the cleaning teeth problem by just planting a seed about how important it is to look after our teeth, & how painful it can be if we don't. Then left it, for him to do his own research. Unfortunately I've not cracked regular showers yet, but hopefully it will come.. slowly slowly catchee monkey!

I won't go on at length as I'm sure you're fed up of reading all these posts by now, but, trust yourself. Listen to your intuition about what he needs. You won't go far wrong. Hugs. x

My son is 17 and has been pretty lax on hygiene for around 5 years. He brushes his teeth every day, but not great, his are yellow and full of plaque. And his room stinks to high heaven. As does he at times. I am constantly pulling him on hygiene but as we can’t hold him down and scrub him, what more can we do? My son has ADHD which I think is a slight contributing factor.
However Id be more concerned on his lack of socialising. My son has a part time job and is at colleg 3 days a week. Could you perhaps encourage yours to look for a little job? It’s a concern that he doesn’t have much interaction outside his house. He could become socially anxious to the point of not being able to function in the outside world.
Does he seem happy in himself?

Some thoughts fwiw. Sounds like he's been through a lot. Some abuse/bullying, switching schools, and then factor in 2020 lockdowns, where a huge number of kids (and people in general) flocked to online communities and found "friendships" there during uncertain and tough times. Two concerns with the latter (online usage) that might apply to kids even more so than to adults. One would be that computers/online messaging/subpar content/etc. can be addicting, especially for young minds; the easily available content can be mindless or even damaging and distract from more quality endeavors and previous interests. There are studies that include brain mapping that show internet use had similar effects as drug use with regard to addiction indicators. Another aspect would be to watch out for online messaging particularly tailored to the kids/teens. Depression and apathy incidences saw a huge increase overall during the past several years. So many kids were impacted profoundly during developmental years. For some, they're still dealing with it.
What could maybe help you help him? Pursue his interests. If he's interested in singing or maybe even performing, maybe online lessons or a class that could move over to in-person later? There are even voice-over classes that would highlight his skill in accents. You mentioned he's interested in college; looking into college program offerings might inspire him and give him something to work towards. Some of them he might be able to pursue early if he is homeschooling. He might have the time to fit an interesting class/workshop online or in-person into his day. Build from there and maybe he will start to care more about his appearance and taking care of himself. One more thing, 16 sounds old, but he's also still a kid...and your kid. Your guidance with enforcing some rules in a non-punishing but firm sort of way can still go a long way. If he currently has access to being online all night long or alone in his bedroom or the like for hours a day, it would be wise to curtail that. And you may be able to do that better with the offering of interesting classes/activities (singing, performing, etc.) he can pursue instead.

Hey, so apologies if I address things already covered by other posters.

However. I home educated my twins one boy / one girl. At 14 they went into local college by choice.

But..... my lovely lad from about age 11 / 12 ish really began to struggle with his sexuality. It took some time, growing and confidence to find his way.
With your lad, factor in the abuse I would question whether there is am underlying issue there and something that could be addressed by a specialist therapist. There are some who work via text or email rather than in person.

Lots of teenagers go through the whole grubby great unwashed phase it seems. I'd say physically chuck him in the tub fully dressed if needs be. But that's harsh and won't help.

Please do look into means of finding more info about who he is talking to online. Is it possible the bully has found him and is continuing the cycle? Reach out to a specialist IT advisor who can help you.

Finally the biggest hugs. Parenting teens is a rough ride at best! If you want to chat more my inbox is always open.

What he is doing now is not healthy & may be harmful in the long term. Sometimes, an adult knows best & I think this is one of those times where a parent has to make the tough call & say "we are doing this" as opposed to "do you want to".

Thank you, that’s encouraging x

The way you speak about your son sounds just like my daughter. She is autistic with a PDA profile and also had adhd... People meet her and ask if we're sure. She didn't show any classic sign of autism or even adhd at all. But she is most definitely both. Since she's been diagnosed I actually found out that I am myself and it sort of dominoes into basically our whole family being one, or both... Which is I guess why no one spotted any behaviour which seemed out of the ordinary... Anywho, all I'm saying is definitely have a look into PDA... AND while you're there, don't forget to keep an open mind for yourself... We'll be all welcome you to the best, most friendly club 😉 ♥️

Or has ADHD. People with ADHD struggle massively with self care and ODD is often a comorbidity which would explain saying no so much.

Tried it that way. Many times. Every way. None worked. Barr physically dragging him there there is no way that we know of.
However, little breakthrough today - he brushed his teeth! 🙌 and said he’ll do it every day. He hasn’t said that before.

Aww thank you, you sound really lovely ☺️ I will look into that

Thank you, so so much for your lovely heartfelt reply. I truly appreciate it. I can feel the warmth and care through your words.

Yes - I had to pause and have a cuppa myself last night over the hours reading replies and replying to the thread 🫣 but when I woke up this morning I felt better and actually felt grateful to every single reply. Even the less than kind ones. Because they gave me a different perspective and helped me to actually put things into perspective if you know what I mean. I had a cry last night (I’m one of those people who rarely cries) and it felt good to let go a bit. This thread stirred up so many emotions that I realise now I was burying a little. I’d not reached out online before and physically seeing it all in black and white on a screen seemed to highlight everything so much more. Which, although uncomfortable, was necessary I think.

So all in all, I’m glad I reached out.

The most important person is, obviously, our son. We have always had a close loving relationship where we can talk openly without judgement and we are always supportive. Im grateful for that because I’m sure the situation would be harder otherwise.

I agree with you about tough love. I’ve seen it many times in my life and experienced it myself. Despite that we did try that with our son but found it not to be effective. Every child is different aren’t they. What works for some won’t work for others. As human beings we are all individuals and I do think that recognising that is so important as a parent. Not that I’m feeling like a very good one at the moment.

I've been beating myself up for so long and I’ve realised, after reaching out in this thread, that it was probably hindering me from being able to help him. So I’m not going to focus on what he won’t/can’t do and what I won’t/can’t do and focus on what we CAN do. A change of perspective and a new lease of confidence.

If anyone else who has commented is reading this ~ please know that I am so grateful to you. I believe that time is the most valuable thing we have to give and you gave me your time. Thank you for that. I’m sorry if I replied unkindly to anyone; emotions were running high and I felt a bit attacked but I’m sure that wasn’t your intention. You can’t really get more personal than the feelings you have for your children. All in all I felt heard and not alone.

Thank you everyone. I’ve taken away SO much advice and information. I have so much more to learn. Onwards and upwards! 🥰

Nothing as extreme but my ds had a period of not wanting to go out, issues with personal hygiene. Two things helped at the time. I've said I am concerned with your mental and physical health. Getting out of the house is important for both So the price of Internet access is that you go out once a day. I've got him a gym membership and he would go with his dad but anything can be a good to start. Cinema, bowling, a walk, a trip abroad . You will need to make time for him or his father if he prefers male company.
For the hygiene I took the scientific angle. No nagging or insisting. Just discussing what could happen to his teeth. Taking him to see an hygienist who during the cleaning explained how to clean his teeth etc.
Even if he is neurodivergent I really believe he is likely to be depressed. But even a small amount of exercise will help that. Just use all the tools available to get him out of the house. It won't be as easy as telling him to go out. He probably doesn't even know how to go out if he is been home schooled and doesn't have friends. You will or your husband will need to make an extra efforts to help him find something he likes going with him to start with. A concert if he likes music, etc. Just take him out with you. Don't expect that he will sundelly will start going out by himself. And talk to him. No telling him what to do actually trying to learn what he is up to online, what games he plays. Get him talking. Get close to him. Good luck

A couple of practical things.

My daughter is autistic and has recently started using Hismile toothpaste (they sell it in Boots). I thought it was a ridiculous waste of money but have now opened my mind - actually why does it all have to be mint? Why can't it be red velvet or watermelon or whatever?

Spectrum Gaming is a website you might look at. They're experts in safely opening up a dialogue with withdrawn teenagers.

You said he loves cats. Do you have a cat cafe in your area? Would he like a visit there?

Sounds just like our son was. No amount of tough love, kind love, consequences, or anything else we tried worked. Not even having a girlfriend encouraged him to brush his teeth or shower more often.

Turns out he had been depressed and struggled with bad social anxiety along with undiagnosed adhd.

As a young adult he's just spent 8.5k to have private dental treatment including 2 implants to sort his teeth out. We've talked about those days and he said nothing we could have done would have helped him, and pressuring him made him dig his heals in even more. Unfortunately sometimes we just have to let them out grow some things.