Reaching out 🥲

[LoveAlways1]

Hi fellow mums.

This is hard to type. I don’t usually reach out, I have spent my life so far supporting myself and others. I’m usually the one people reach out to. However, I’m going to give this a go, so please be kind.

I have a 16 year old son. We are a small family, just me, his dad and I. We don’t have any family around to help and, despite him having many Godparents, none of them have made any effort at all to be in his life.

He is a clever, talented boy, and isn’t depressed. However, he only brushes his teeth occasionally (about once a week), rarely washes and refuses to cut his hair. It’s very long. I wouldn’t mind this if he looked after it. But he doesn’t.

We (all three of us) have always had a loving, harmonious, supportive relationship, in a peaceful environment (i.e. no trauma, arguments etc).

We love him and care about him very much and we have talked with him about the importance of looking after himself (what will happen if he doesn’t, what will happen if he does etc) many many times but to no avail.
We have tried everything (taking away privileges, rewards etc).

Nothing is working.

His teeth are yellow, his hair is dirty and usually unbrushed, he will probably start smelling soon (he has a bag full of everything I could think of that he might need - electric razor, electric toothbrush, vitamins, face cleanser, shower gel, flannel, sponge comb, brush etc). And we always keep communication open. We are there for him always.

He rarely goes outside and I’m certain he is going to be deficient in vitamin D and other vitamins and nutrients as he doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. He won’t let us weigh him either. “No” is his favourite word.

When I talk with my partner (his dad) about it he says he has tried talking to him many times but isn’t going to worry about it now as it’s his choice. I get that, but try as I might, I just can’t stop worrying about it! we have one main job - to keep him healthy. I feel like we are failing and I just don’t know what to do.

Please can anyone offer some advice that they have found to have worked?

Thank you x

No problem :)

As someone who has mental health issues this screams to me of someone who needs help. It’s not normal behaviour. You seem to have pussy footed around your son so now as a 16 year old he has zero respect for you and it’s tough to get him to comply with your requests to deal with his personal hygiene. What sort of future is he going to have ? Seek help for him as soon as possible - your GP maybe ? Or a young person’s mental health organisation.

Can I ask how old your dd is now and what triggered the change @TheAquaMentor ?

Again how do you enforce it @savethatkitty ? I’m going through similar with my 17 year old dd, I can’t physically drag her to the GP.

What was the reason you didn't move him to another school? Was he refusing by then?

@FootieMama so if he wants Wi-Fi at home he has to go out every day? I’ve been thinking of doing this with my (ASD) dd. She does go out from time to time, usually out with me for the occasional dinner out or theatre trip. But it’s occasional and I worry about the lack of fresh air and exercise.

How did what you did work in practice?

@LoveAlways1 I don't have anything more to add than already has been suggested but I do want to say you sound like a really lovely mum xx

Boys go through this phase - then snap out of it when they realise girls don't go out with smelly boys.
Perhaps buy him some Lynx?

Yes to this, PDA profile is a type of autism that does not reveal itsself through other obvious or traditional ASD traits.
The biggest tell on PDA is that of having low to zero tolerance to be being told what to do or being asked to do something. Then you'll hit this NO response. But there are ways to work around this and help your son move out of his own resistance and into a collaborative relationship. There are techniques that help both you and your child to work around the no's.

I also would suggest that its very common for parents of neurodiverse children to be somewhat unaware of their childs expression is because between you and your husband, alot of these traits are normalised and your entire family context is shaped by your own parwnts neurodivergence.

The next part is take it or leave it. But your responses to people are quite unusual. Nothing at all wrong with that.
Just your response seem to be filtered through an intensely controlled narrative of whose being kind to you and who isnt. So posters have to go well out of their way to delicately convey their good intentions, in order that you dont numb people's response out.
It all seems very tightly controlled.
I would suggest that it would help all of you to reach out more often for support and cast a wider net for help.
It is very important you find out who your son is talking with online. By that I mean, asking to join in with his games. Being in ear shot of his conversations. Appearing at his side to see what type of chat hes engaging with. Parental controls are a must. How to learn how to do All of this is easily accessible online...Good luck.

I appreciate you've got a mountain of replies to work your way through OP so I wanted to add some practical suggestions and some life related personal experience.

I'm not qualified to diagnose anyone, not even on TV, but I can speak from a lived experience as someone diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, who is married to a man with autism diagnosed in adulthood.

Please keep an open mind about seeking an assessment for your son for ND - it's a VERY broad spectrum. Both my DH and I feel that we would have very different lives had we been supported and diagnosed as children. Sadly there is very little support for adults.

You sound like loving, kind parents who are trying their best and that's half the battle really.

Your son might not be ND, he may be reacting to the trauma of the bullying or experiencing shame and processing the sexual assault he was subject to at school. Equally he may /just/ be a teenage boy who sees no point in hygiene!

I would focus on contacting experienced services for MH and ND like MIND, ADHD foundation, or your local autism service to get advice on potentially having an assessment. You have nothing to lose from the position you are in currently and if the assessment is a positive for ND traits I think both you as parents and your son will honestly benefit from moving forward with full understanding of your son's mental processes.

For short term practical purposes -

Hygiene is clearly a concern and a pattern of behaviour regardless of root cause. Has your son ever said why he doesn't want to brush teeth, wash or comb hair?

If there is a particular aspect or sensory issue at play perhaps some out of the box thinking could help to overcome it.

Some practical non traditional options could be -

• Buy non fragranced baby wipes or the type of wipes used in adult care (Amazon stock these). Ask your son to at least give all intimate areas and his face and neck a going over once a day with a wipe and work up to broaching a proper wash in baby steps.

There are no rinse body foam cleansers available that come out a bit like foaming hand cleanser that can be rubbed into the skin to clean the body, these do not need water or rinsing.

Child toothpastes aimed at 0-6 year olds they come in less strong flavours and although not as good for adults teeth as proper 'adult' toothpaste if he's amenable it would be better than no toothbrushing at all.

Again from the baby aisle you can buy rubber tipped silicone toothbrush heads that go on the finger and can be used to brush teeth it might be less harsh if it's a sensory feel?

There are also dental wipes (sorry baby aisle again!) that are like a wet wipe you can rub across teeth and gums - again not as good as 'proper' toothbrushing but a step in the right direction if your son can cope with them.

Hair - dry shampoo might work for combatting greasiness short term but it does leave your head itchy! There are shampoo shower caps you can buy that are designed primarily for people recovering from surgery - you stick the shampoo hair cap on massage it into the scalp and the. Take off and leave it to air dry.

If he absolutely refuses to wash his hair I would gently suggest to him that a very short hair cut might be preferable it's less likely to get matted, greasy etc and if he is avoidant because it's too much effort it saves him one less hygiene "nag" to deal with

Social isolation and online - there are lots of apps and settings available for parental controls and blocks for both phone and PC. Please please research and implement one of these as your son sounds as though he would be incredibly vulnerable to online bullying and CSE without this.

If your son is a good mimic and enjoys singing would he consider theatre or drama lessons some areas have arts therapy that can include this.

Gamify everything - if he loves gaming you could try some apps online that turn a to do list into a role play quest - searching for RPG To Do List might give you some current ones. It might help to give him some structure and a visual hook and dopamine hit of levelling up when he completes a task.

Apologies for such a long message - I really do feel for you all. Best of luck 🤞🏼

Just some links relating to the above -

*To Do list RPGs
Epic Win
Epic to Do List

Both are available on iTunes and Google play store.

*Hygiene links
No rinse foam cleanser
https://athome.medline.com/en/medline-remedy-clinical-no-rinse-foam-cleanser-shop-all-pf06434

Shower cap shampoo
https://www.superdrug.com/toiletries/bathing-accessories/shower-caps/nilaqua-rinse-free-shampoo-caps/p/mp-00019438

Toothbrush silicone head
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Vicloon-Toothbrush-Silicone-Massager-Toddlers/dp/B075D7B5H1

Tooth wipes
https://www.verywellhealth.com/oral-b-brush-ups-1059148

Hygiene care wipes
https://www.ageukincontinence.co.uk/incontinence-shop/personal-care/incontinence-wipes/vivactive-large-wet-wipes-50-pack.html

Parent social media monitoring

https://www.safetydetectives.com/blog/best-parental-controls-for-teenagers/

In practice was hit and miss to start with The switching the wifi off and taking his phone was just to get him to pay attention. I probably only did a few times because you need to find substitutes activities for them to fill their time otherwise they dont know what to do with themselves.
So you need to have a plan before you switch it off. I wouldn turn it off before he woke up and invite him for a walk or other activity and if he said no I would say the wifi is off but once we are back from our walk I will turn it back in for you or similar
But the calm conversations and giving him agency to see that it was important for his own sake.
He wasn't going out everyday but he started going to the gym with his dad that's something he enjoyed and joined a group activity. Walking to eat out with us instead of taking the car was also good
I remember when I've talked to him about my concerns with his mental health he was silent but I could see something resonated with him and that he felt the I was being fair and that I was on his side.
I got him going out with us and eventually joining activities with people his own age. It wasnt easy but a lot of conversations or simply catching him off guard when he was in a good mood and get him to sign up for something. Once it was paid for he had to go.
It was hard work. And many times he would flat out say no and lock himself in his room.
He still spends more time than I'd wish at home playing games but goes to the gym with friends regularly, and goes to a group activity once a week.
Some weekends I would fake an wifi fault by unplugging the router to get him out of his room and than take him somewhere.
Weekends away are great to break the cycle too.
I tried everything I could. You probably know best what will work with your daughter. My ds is very stuborn so I had to go softly because he will dig in if he feels he is being forced to do something.
My older son loves rules and wouldn't question them at all.

Autism is different in different people . You won’t get a diagnosis for years so as a secondary teacher , I suggest you read up on it . This is really typical of families I have worked with . You need to reach out and get advice - also worth looking at depression with the GP . Good luck

Often imitating American (or other) accents can be linked to neurodivergence. Im a therapist for teens and it sounds like he is either struggling with mental health/undiagnosed neurodivergence or both. Would he consider going to see a therapist if you explained it was confidential? It sounds like he needs somewhere to open up

This!

I also wanted to echo the possibility of ND, all sounds very familiar. No amount of ‘I am the adult, you are the child’ will work and will just cause massive issues. It’s also a shame to see people with such fixed ideas on what schooling/homeschooling should look like. That said, none of that helps you to move forwards.

Absolutely read all you can on autism and also pda. It doesn’t have to mean your son is autistic, but the approach may help. No harm can come from using the parental approach on a non autistic child. Low demand parenting can help with mental health too so you cover all bases.

Keep up the happiness your son does have in every day life, continue to celebrate this with him. By all means suggest therapists etc but do it in a very gentle manner, not ‘this is what’s going to happen or else’. That might scare him and send him running for the hills, or his bedroom. Very gently have discussions about hygiene etc, but asking him if he even knows what he doesn’t like about showering, teeth cleaning etc. If it’s a non judgemental discussion he is more likely to be able to engage. He may not know, but at least he can go away and think about it. Hygiene can be a big demand. There are lots of unwritten demands and steps to what we see as simply showering and brushing teeth. Possible things that might help-a routine, a set night to do things, a certain time when no one else will use the bathroom, mild products, strong smelling products of their choice. I find it can also help to take the emotion from things, ie. ‘I am really concerned about you needing fillings’, instead of ‘please brush your teeth, I keep asking’ etc. Or possibly, completely backing off and not mentioning it might help.

It may be a phase, it may be a long term thing, but knowing you are in this together is invaluable. Good luck, you sound like you are very in tune with your son already.

Thank you xx that means a lot xx

I could have written this about my nephew who is now 20, no education, no job, no desire to get one and spends all his time in his bedroom gaming. Doesn't socialise with friends and is on anti depressants.

I don't know how you do it, but you need to get a grip on this ASAP

For goodness sake! yes he has! 🤦🏻‍♀️

Thank you. I appreciate your response x

Everything you’ve said is what we have done/are doing. He brushed his teeth yesterday and he washed his hair today. I felt like whooping! but I didn’t ☺️

You hadn’t considered this? Come on. The poor kid needs his peers.

Thank you everyone. I truly appreciate the people who have replied to my post in a kind, non judgemental and helpful way.

I have saved all of the helpful information and I am confident we will be able to move forward in a positive way as a family.

I am going to leave the thread now, and thank you all again.

Sending you love and gratitude xx

All that you describe is screaming autistic spectrum at me. My son and I are both on the spectrum and I didn't realise until I was in my fifties. We are both intelligent and articulate. We both hated school. No hygiene issues but my son had a friend who was exactly how you describe your son. My son really gelled with him but after he had been to the house we had to Febreze whatever he had sat on. He was really intelligent and nobody could understand why his self care was so poor. We are pretty certain he is autistic although I don't think he was formally diagnosed. As he got older he improved and actually has since transitioned to a female! The only thing I can suggest is perhaps telling him he smells, if he does, and that it affects other people in the house. I don't know how I would have coped with this, I am so glad my son doesn't have hygiene issues ( he's actually on the opposite side, he's OCD with hygiene) but I do have issues getting him to do anything he doesn't want to so you have my sympathy.

@LoveAlways1
Good luck OP! x