Being the only one buying

[Everydayimwingingit]

I just need to rant as I can't help but feeling so angry.
Me and my fiancé have 3 kids together and I absolutely hate this time of year as its always me who pays for everything all year round the food, the utilities, the mortgage, cheap holidays and days out. I earn alot less than him so I've to be careful with money but also try to save up for Christmas as I'm the one who buys all the presents for the kids aswell as mine and his family, October is nearly as bad as my eldest has her birthday and has had a party again which I paid for but I don't mind as it made her happy, I feel like at times I can't buy them decent presents as I'm watching the savings so they end up with quite a few cheap things that end up broke or don't get played with.
We've recently had a baby and it's been so difficult not buying him the clothes that I love as I just can't justify the cost but the main reason for the rant is I've just bought a second hand playmat and got my fiancé to collect it on his way home from work and as soon as he came home he made sure he took the money for it out my purse.

I suffer really badly with mental health since having my ds so I find confrontation extremely difficult but I can just feel the anger building up inside.

Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace

OP, this is absolutely dreadful and it’s not normal. What a shocker that you’re not married and he keeps the house in his name… Honestly, have a good long think about what people are telling you here and raise your standards about what you expect from a partner.

He pays nothing? No bills, no mortgage, no food, nothing for the kids? Sit him down, set out what family life costs, ask him why he is not financially contributing, and tell him if he doesn’t start paying his own way that you will leave. And that you will be pursuing him for maintenance. He’s an absolute waste of space. You know that he could kick you out at any time and keep the house and his own savings and you wouldn’t be entitled to anything because you’re not married?

If he pays for nothing and does nothing then you will be much better off if he moves out and you claim CMS.

lifeisnotstraigtforward · Today 12:254 "I have voted YABU, only for the fact is that I don't understand why the father of your children, who you live with and has a job is not paying for his own children! …"
PinkyFlamingo · Today 12:31 "Of course it's helpful, anything to make the OP wake up and do something about this mess …"
Teenyweenytinytrees · Today 15:05 "I voted YABU because who in their right mind puts up with this crap!? …"
MaryGreenhill · Today 15:31 "So did l for this reason, it's so bad l find it very difficult to believe."

You are voting for the opposite of what you think. Here is the question you are voting on (having been given the context of the OP preamble):
"Aibu to expect him to atleast help towards some of the bills or even spend time with the kids so I can have a bath in peace”.
Did you all vote in the Brexit referendum or the 2017 election? I seriously fear for democracy.

He is abusive. You are being massively exploited. He doesn't love you or respect you. Stop paying his mortgage. Get advice from womens aid and get out of this abusive relationship. You and your chuldren deserve so much better. A fresh start without him. Then claim child support. You'll be much better off emotionally and financially.

@Everydayimwingingit I’m a mum of three children too. I married my DH before we started trying for a baby, recognising that motherhood often puts the woman in a more precarious financial position. I brought more money into our first property from selling one I owned, and we had a legal document that protected my larger stake until we married. He is the higher earner and works full time and I’ve had three periods of maternity leave and work part time which has impacted my career and my lifetime earnings. All our money is family money first, but if all the bills are paid we have equal fun money to spend on our own hobbies, gifts etc. He contributes to my pension as a household expense - and whilst his pension will still be better due to an attractive work pension package he knows it would be half mine if we split. He also does his share of parenting and housework.
This is how you should expect to be treated by the father of your children. The way you are being treated is appalling. Do you have someone that you trust that you can talk to about it? You need some back up. Do his parents know your financial set up? I’d be so ashamed to have raised a worm of a man that treats his family like this!

What do you love about him?

@Everydayimwingingit - this arrangement makes no sense. Your fiance should be absolutely ashamed of himself that he has 3 children he doesn’t provide for and doesn’t parent.

You can’t truly love this man - not a healthy love anyway because he’s not lovable. You really would be so much better off without him. Do you have family who can support you in getting away from him (that said, I’m guessing your family of origin is non-existent or deeply dysfunctional hence why you have ended up with such a poor excuse for a partner and father)?

This!!!
YABVU to keep having babies with this man.

If you want to stay with him. Tell him from 1st November, you must open a joint account and put £x each in for general living costs. Sime. If not, you know he's just using you for financial gain.

I don't understand why are u doing this ? Is he not their father ? What the fuck happened to men this is embarrassing

Are you both on the mortgage? You'd be better off going it alone, at least you'd get maintenance and maybe some tax credits depending on your salary.

She’s said she isn’t on the mortgage.

I had to reread your OP@Everydayimwingingit because it seemed so insane. "My DP doesn't take care of the children nor does he pay for anything even though he's got more money than I do but I love him and he makes me feel safe". Safe?? Please see your GP to get a referral to see a psychologist so that you can find your selfworth. Anyone is worth more than this OP. You need to wake up and see that you're living with a piece of shit who treats you AND your children like crap.

@Everydayimwingingit

I know that most of what has been said to you has been very, very hard to read. But please don't run away from us. Stay here and try to read between our lines for our motives. The things we have said may sound harsh to you, but they are said with concern for you and your children. You deserve a peaceful and secure life with a man who really loves you the way you deserve to be loved. And your fiancé is NOT that man. He never will be.

And I know you're probably scared. Scared of angering him, scared of losing him. But Love, you've already lost yourself. Let us help you get yourself back.

If she is paying for everything and mortgage payments are coming from her bank account and she has children and has been paying for everything for a few years then there is a possibility that she would be entitled to something

Its not quite as cut and dried as if you aren’t married you get nothing.

Yet you had another baby with him?
I'm not excusing his behaviour, it's despicable, but to have not just one but 3 children with him is irresponsible and unfair on the children.
Do you love him? Do you want to stay with him knowing that this is your life for the rest of time?

I've just read the update. Stop paying the mortgage and put that money away as a deposit on a house for you and the children.

We are reading such stories a lot. There seems to be a lot of men who don't pay anything towards the house bills. This seems insane, surely those discussions are had very early in any relationship with a shared rental or house. 50/50 split or a split based on each salary combined. How does this situation even occur when the burden of finance is on the women..and the most bizarre relationship void is a gaming husband. How is that BS tolerated on any human adult level.

Leave this man child, he’s using you for a place to doss while he spends his money on whatever he wants and stop buying for his family, fuck them if they get nothing that’s on him not you. Again FUCKING LEAVE HIM he doesn’t love you and also he will use the fact he loves the kids (he doesn’t really) so you let him stay and one day you’ll wake up and think what the fuck is this and you’ll hate the ground he walks on. Don’t be a mug

OP, I'm really sorry but this isn't a normal or healthy relationship. He should be contributing financially and emotionally and with his time to his relationship with you and his relationships with the kids. I think you need to have a serious talk with him if you feel you can do so safely (perhaps in a public place) and see if you can get him to improve his attitude and habits. If not, then do you want your kids growing up with him as a role model? Or perhaps thinking that they aren't worthy of love because their dad doesn't want to be around them or value them? If you can't make change for yourself (I know it's hard), maybe you need to use the children as motivation. There are organisations and charities out there so maybe a first step would be discussing the situation with Women's Aid. As wonderful as the Mumsnet community is, the experts might be able to help you more. I'm not saying leave him immediately as I hope he can change and do better, but I do think the situation needs to change and I don't think he will initiate that. Hope things get better for you lovely :/

What is the point of him?
I agree with the others, you are being abused mentally and financially.
Seek help - please! If you can't see you need it for yourself, think of your kids.
Good luck x

I don't know why this annoys me so much, as the whole situation is outrageous, but you say you pay for all his family presents as well as everything else? Why?

I was in a relationship like this previously. I think the key point you have made is that you are scared how he would react if you said anything and that rings bells with my previous situation. Is everything else in your relationship okay? 💐

This is ridiculous. In fact it's so ridiculous that I'm struggling to believe it's real.

This is financial abuse.