Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

There are of course issues of long hours of research, financial strain & sacrifices, even a sense of isolation. Over one third-PhD students seek help for anxiety or depression caused by their studies. But most, if not all of these are equally relevant to serious A-level or BTech students, I fear!! The “studies - love life (relationships) - balance is still important – and a mature student should be man enough to give SOME attention to in his exciting, voluntarily chosen journey to a degree, I felt when I first contributed. But then I might be have been a foolish romantic!! I was TRYING to support the original post-er of her concern about holding on till 2025!! 😀

The final stages of the PhD are a good excuse for lack of visits however the issue is the op already feels insecure because this relationship overall isn't giving her something she needs. But only the op can figure that out. I see my own partner face to face even less but his constant messages, his constant show of love and thinking about me while we are apart closes those miles and mean they don't matter. I miss him but I don't have the doubts the op does because I know I'm his first thought, I'm not left wondering if I'm an afterthought

I agree. Finishing a PhD is totally absorbing, and it sounds as if he's got a job as well. I'm an academic, and can't think of anything else when I'm working on a big research/writing project on a tight deadline.It can be very annoying for others if they don't operate in the same way. I can actually understand why he's putting off the conversation, and in his position I'd feel under pressure if my partner were asking me to commit to trips in January or February. I don't think that he's necessarily not into you, but it may be that his work will always take very high priority and that you're not compatible. Nerds are not always easy to live with, and we tend to be introverts who like to have a lot of time on their own. Since OP and her partner seem to enjoy each other's company, it seems pity to give up on the relationship right now; I'd try to be relaxed with the situation until after he's turned in his dissertation, and then have a serious conversation.

Being partners at that kind of distance is very tricky.
You say the relationship is great apart from the fact you are not seeing much of each other- how can it be fine if you are not together? You both need to prioritise time together-we all have stress in our lives but we have to plan things other than work, otherwise we have no life.
Putting off making decisions which would only take a few minutes to work out is not a good sign- I wonder if he has more than his PhD going on in his life.
Your partner seems unable to juggle work life and a home life-this does not bode well for the future, even if you get the scheduling for Jan/ Feb what about further down the road.
Personally I don't see writing a PhD as more stressful than being in a job in a competitive market, and juggling it with a family.

It sounds like he's just not that into you tbh. If he was in love, or even just lust, with you then it would be painful to go five weeks without seeing you.

It’s not the stress per se. It’s the fact that you need to carry such a volume of information in your head at one time to pull the strands together for the conclusion etc.

I’d say it’s just because of the Phd study takes a lot of time & effort! Give him time to finish it then see what changes. My daughter is completing a Masters her social life is practically non existent it’s such a lot of work then a dissertation PhD is so much more! Give him the time to do that it’s hard to contemplate much else it’s a huge undertaking.

pinnacle, of course. I mean what woman doesn’t want a ring & a mutual life to complete her. Otherwise she’ll be a husk. Empty unfulfilled spinster who was not wed. Only the empty edifice of career and cats to garnish the unmarried life

@Knockmealdowns I agree with your comment.

Blimey, PhD is no small undertaking and he may not yet know whether he can afford more time out at such a crunch time for his work.
Sounds as if he’s being reasonable. What’s not reasonable, nor balanced, is these bitter comments from most people about binning him! How do these people have relationships without give & take?
Unless you really feel ignored, I’d perhaps put yourself second for a little while longer and support him through his PhD rather than pushing him away through neediness. It sounds more like a matter of pride (yours) than a true show of apathy (his), to me at least. A bit of patience may prove him to be just as lovely as you hope. I fear if you make him choose now, he’ll definitely choose the PhD and it doesn’t seem fair not to be supportive of his commitment to this.

Maybe time to reconsider the relationship. He either wants to be with you or he does not!

With academic work you have to be able to turn it off- or you will go insane, if he can't I'm afraid an academic life is not for him, and he needs to find a different field.

Having read various contributions here, I can now see why over a third of PhD students seek help with depression and anxiety. PhD studies should be a willing, voluntary, even happy journey of discovery not an affliction!! As the old TV commercial went: Tax should not be taxing!! Best wishes to all PhD-ers!! Life must remain a spare-time hobby for some!! 😀

Working AND a PhD!!!! That was me 3 years ago (doing PhD at part time rate). You have to be absolutely selfish with your time. Nothing else matters. After submitting you still have to be selfish just before the viva - but then it is a strange sense of freedom. My DH knew what I was doing, kids were grown up. I was getting up at 4 am to do my writing. So once the crazy PhD journey is over if he then does not prioritize you, your complaints are realistic

Are you the same Op @VioletW whose boyfriend was very very very busy in Sept-ish as he had just returned for a new term and you were so upset he was so busy that he wasn't texting you all day one Sunday ?

Pretty sure that she is.

It seems obvious that what she and he want are different things from this relationship, and it's making her miserable

He doesnt care, time to move on.

I'm not sure if you have been through a PhD. I did. It is such a huge investment in time and money. Apparently this DP is nearly at the end, so this is not a time to consider turning off the focus on his thesis. He may not be planning for a long term career in academia. At this point, rather than complaining that he is not paying attention to her, the OP could be more helpful by asking him to send her some chapters to proof read. All of my family helped me out proof reading - even my 92 yr old father. They did not know my subject but they could spot strange formatting or an occasional repeated word.

A PhD is not really useful if you are not planning to have a career with an academic element- some people do it for interest, but I think putting your life (and the lives of those closest to you) on hold to gain a PhD is disproportionate to it's usefulness (or prestige).

I’d expect *those closest^ to be wholly supportive and not disregard as lacking usefulness or prestige. Partner should be wholly on board not whining about a time limited interruption