Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

I couldn't have a man like that. I had the boyfriend who ticked some good boxes when was 32, so wanted to become a mother asap;

so I just told him I need a husband and all that , is he for it or not , because if not, he will be out

When will the long distance finish, as in what is the end game? Who is relocating?

He's keeping you sweet to get his quarterly leg over, OP. Stop being so naive. He's using you. A relationship shouldn't be this hard, or as far apart from one another. You've both put yourselves in a ridiculous situation and he's realised it already and just settled for a few days annual leave now and then for a leg over.

Dear OP, this is not realistic thinking
Men who have women for holidays and visits and a week when it suits them, are usually men who have their women where they want them. That is not nice for you, if you want more of this relationship

I've been doing a lots of self reflection and learning over the last year OP. One thing that sticks in my head is " when someone shows you who they are and what they feel, believe them". If he doesn't want to talk right now he's not invested. Sorry 😔

My main issue now is him wanting to wait months to talk about something I want to resolve asap. Should I just say no actually, this is important and I need to talk now?

He has already given you an answer and his workload is high right now. In his case I wouldn't want to add a difficult conversation to my todo list and I would be pissed off if someone kept pressuring me to do what I have already said no to.

You can't make people do things they don't want to do. You can either accept it or break up, those are your options. Pick one.

Probably less relevant than it first seems, but here we go: My mum and her partner of 40+ years lived in different cities, 12 miles apart. She would spend a few days there, he would spend a few days here etc. As they aged, we could see the mental decline and warned them again and again that they should make a decision about where they wanted to live. They ignored us, he was sectioned against his will as he was a danger. Lost his house to pay for care. My ma is still in her house but I doubt it will belong to her for much longer. They haven't seen each other for 2 years as his sons moved him to the other end of the country. Think. You will not be young for ever.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to ask you to wait two months to have a big conversation until after the dust has settled after his PhD, and after what will likely be a very busy December. He might need time to get his own head around what he wants. Give him a chance.

Ewww.

No one goes to family at Christmas of someone who is just a leg-over horse. Ignore op.

Hi op,

you are right and maybe others might disagree about the chasing but I do think that men like to chase what they want. So if he isn’t chasing you, you are making yourself too available for him and probably nothing good will come out of it.

Stop going. If he asks…postpone the conversation to March 25, after he answered your question. If he flares up, cut ties. If he likes you said no to his bs, investigate?

good luck 🌺

It's not an issue of right or wrong.
He's not ticking Ur boxes. That's all u need to know.

Has he got a reason why he wants to discuss it in January?

You said he is at the end of finishing his PhD? I do know that this is extremely stressful and certain things for many people have to take a back seat when studying and undertaking these sorts of qualifications.

If that is the reason, or one of them, is it possible you can wait until that is over?

I suppose it's if you think the reason is good enough to wait. However, I don't think you should wait until January to hear the reason. That sounds rather unreasonable in my opinion.

I agree with the suggestion of stopping going. I think ironically it both gives him the space he needs and simultaneously makes op seem more like something he shouldn’t let go of. Nothing wrong with a bit of old fashioned “ hard to get” op - and in this case it works for both of you. If you keep pressing for attention when he’s busy - and he really is; listen to the academics on here - you will just become stale and annoying. Go do your stuff for a couple of months - and let him call you. Send him a care pack, answer his calls, but don’t become a chore.

This is a good question, I think. Irrespective of when you finally sit down and discuss the way forward, I think it would pay dividends to have a clear idea of what you want as an outcome, what you could live with, and what really isn't going to work for you, OP. That's something you can (indeed, should) decide on your own, even if what then follows becomes a negotiation, depending on how different factors weigh against each other.

I agree hard as it sounds he's not committed to the relationship, just dump him

How long have you been together?
doing a PhD and work is incredibly stressful so I can understand his need right now to prioritise this briefly.

id wait for Jan and make clear time appropriate commitments and you being his number 1, it does sound like he is trying to better himself. I think you either need to be clear and then supportive, or possibly back away.

op I think the conversation could have been had now to reassure you. Along the lines of I’m really busy with this phd but I really see my future with me and will be massively upping effort to show you that/ coming to see you more.
I don’t really get waiting to have a conversation.
Also, no matter what, when you really like someone not sure how you can go 4 weeks or longer not seeing them. Obviously if you’re forced by a job overseas or something but not by choice.
I’m glad you’re not just drifting along and letting your 30s slide away. Well done on that and your book!

I would not want an ultimatum if I were him,it’s a bit feety stampy and unreasonable
You know he has a lot on (Ph.D) why can’t it wait until Jan for conversation
There need to be mutually agreed compromise and visit schedule that you both agree to..

Hi, sorry to hear this. I’m 64 years old and have been with a man who sounds similar to this for 32 years. That is, a man who has often been ‘too busy’ (as a high flier, under pressure) to engage in conversation with me about matters which were important to me, but not to him. Once we had a child, it continued. I’ve been in some extremely difficult situations, that I have had to manage with very little emotional support.

For me, the refusal to listen and talk is the worst element of your situation. It won’t change if you stay with him. He wants to avoid emotional intimacy. I have had a great life in many ways, and a very good lifestyle. However, I have been lonely. If I had my time again, I would leave, biological clock aside. I think you are still young enough to find someone else. Very best of luck.

I left his tonight. Before I left he said of his own accord said he'd be up for talking about it in December. We had a really nice time.

I'll see how I feel in December. In the end I think we might just use the time to relax and regroup, and talk in January. We'll see.

Tbh I don't think he's not 'into me' but I do think he is very career focused. I do have a small worry that he'd make more of an effort for someone else but I don't know.

For now, I will focus on myself. I'll journal, take up yoga again and try to find out what I want, separate from him. Not to treat him mean exactly, but to centre myself.

Overall I think he's good husband and father material but there's some figuring out to do.

This is worded quite harshly but I agree with the point. There should be a spark, definitely at the beginning.

Be brave and move on. Easier said than done, I know.

He doesn’t appear to be prioritizing you. If you like him you don’t have to dump him but I would feel free to date other men.

@Buffs I strongly doubt he'd agree to this 🙂

You're not a priority, his phd is. Rightly so. When the pressure's off for him, then he can focus on other things. If you love him, you'd understand.

If he is finihing a PhD I can understand he does not have headspace for anything else. When is his thesis due?
Does he perhaps mean let me finish this first and then I can have a think about how to find a new system of us seeing each other or even consider moving closer or moving together? Are you perhaps not talking about the same?