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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

544 replies

VioletW · 28/10/2024 00:38

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 28/10/2024 02:16

I think, from everyone I know who has done a phd, you would be unreasonable to base a life decision on this once in a lifetime period. He is working to keep a roof over his head and apart from that, the phd consumes every moment of his waking and much of his sleeping.

If you have a closing date on that (January?), then he will be able to join real life again. Only after that should you see what life together holds.

However, if you are not prepared to be patient, well …

fridaynight1 · 28/10/2024 02:17

How long has he been your partner?
If it's early days he should be wanting to see you all the time. If you've been together a few years - then he's not all that interested in you.
Either way he isn't the man for you. Move on and find someone else.

ToyFace · 28/10/2024 02:19

VioletW · 28/10/2024 01:16

Well obviously I'd rather not jump to LTB.

I don't think he'd be taking me on all these trips if he wasn't into me? And spending time with my family when he visits at Christmas.

I do wish he was more keen to see me in November though. He seems to think the week in December will make up for it.

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority.

Edited

When I was writing up I spent all weekends and evenings working. If he's got a deadline to submit and is struggling to make it I'm guessing he's just too stressed to discuss it now and he probably thinks it will be a difficult conversation as he won't be able to travel to see you in november.

When is his deadline? If it's end of this year I'd cut him some slack.

PeloMom · 28/10/2024 02:23

I mean…he’s showing you how often he can see you. What’s there to talk about? If you’re not happy with the frequency make your decision- does it work for you or not. What you’re asking him is for him to make empty promises.

blueshoes · 28/10/2024 02:28

If he is under pressure at work and has to finish a PhD, I'd cut him some slack and sound him out in December or January. You have seen each other plenty recently despite his schedule, so even if you don't see him much in November, that is bearable. You may say he is not prioritising you. At the same time, you are being needy when he needs some space to get these things out of the way.

I used to date a medic. He was always working and studying for exams. No fun but that is the deal. I did not end up with medic but I do a demanding job. My dh understands as he works in the same sector and knows how all consuming it can be. If he did not, I would not be with him.

Oblomov24 · 28/10/2024 02:28

I disagree with others, Even if he is writing his PhD dissertation he still could think about it, talk about it, have planned for it before. I think it's very telling, how people treat others in their point of stress.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/10/2024 02:30

I originally agreed with you. But I’ve now voted YABU. He’s in the middle of completing his thesis. He says he wants to go away with you next year. If you love him, you are going to need to wait until his head is clear and he’s finished. He will be under an enormous amount of pressure. No wonder he can’t discuss this with you right now.

Aroastdinnerisnotahumanright · 28/10/2024 02:34

I think the PhD is a bit of a drip feed tbh.

Not sure if this is healthy but in your shoes I would probably pull back from thinking about him and contacting him and see what happens later down the line.

Thebellofstclements · 28/10/2024 02:42

He isn't keen on you. My now husband used to drive for over 4 hours just to spend an evening and night with me, even if he was then driving back early the next morning. Save your energy for someone who loves you.

LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 28/10/2024 02:45

He’s completing his Phd while working. If everything else is good, I think it’s worth holding out another 10 weeks to have the chat. I have a great dh, and positive male role models in my family and friends so my perspective on men is more favourable than others on MN. But really, if I was really into someone, and everything else was good, I’d see this time as an opportunity to be supportive and give him some space.

LateAF · 28/10/2024 02:58

Oblomov24 · 28/10/2024 02:28

I disagree with others, Even if he is writing his PhD dissertation he still could think about it, talk about it, have planned for it before. I think it's very telling, how people treat others in their point of stress.

I don’t think you get how stressful and all consuming those things are. A bit like preparing for and attending a long trial if you’re a barrister/ litigation solicitor or studying for exams as a medic.

I have had times that I’ve had to completely check out of family life for 6 weeks and during those periods, I could not have contemplated a conversation about next week let alone the future as I needed to stay in the present to fight the fires needed to meet the deadlines.

It’s fight or flight - while not life or death it feels like trying to have a conversation and plan for the future while your house is on fire.

Ponderingwindow · 28/10/2024 03:15

He is in the end stages of his phd and he works and yet you expect him to be able to have a social life of any kind? Even if you lived together, I wouldn’t expect to be spending anything but the most fleeting moments together right now.

what matters is how you see this relationship when he finishes his degree. Do you want to stay together? Have the two of you discussed how that is going to work? Will he be doing a post-doc? Is he pursuing an academic job? Are you willing to relocate to his city, whatever that may be, if he does not end up with much choice in his ultimate location?

you are talking about a discussion to resolve the frequency and direction of your next meet-ups, but long distance is not sustainable forever. If there is no plan to fix the situation, is there really much point in stressing over how often you see one another for now?

Applebumblebee · 28/10/2024 03:30

Wn38475 · 28/10/2024 01:10

This.

he’s not cut up that he won’t see you for a month

so just bin him off

he should be itching to see you. He gives zero shits.

you should end it now

Show quote history

I agree. My husband drove a 4.5 hour round trip to meet me after work for our first date. And he didn't let up.

That's why he's a husband

mnreader · 28/10/2024 03:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

InSpainTheRain · 28/10/2024 03:56

You did a massive drip feed - he is finishing his PhD!! Of course he has to concentrate on that and it will exclude almost everything else, including you! Back off til 2025.

MissedItByThisMuch · 28/10/2024 04:05

I feel like these responses are divided between people who know what it’s like to have a looming PhD deadline in addition to working, and people who don’t. It is all-consuming, it takes over your life, it is all you can think anbout and I don’t think he’s being unreasonable at all asking you to postpone discussions until he’s done.

YYBU · 28/10/2024 04:08

Wn38475 · 28/10/2024 01:10

This.

he’s not cut up that he won’t see you for a month

so just bin him off

he should be itching to see you. He gives zero shits.

you should end it now

Show quote history

Are you single by any chance @Wn38475 ?

Alwayssomethingtheretoremindme · 28/10/2024 04:10

Well I was thinking he was being unreasonable until you said he was working towards his PhD deadline.
I think that makes it understandable. It's an absolutely stressful time and one where I do think he needs your support.

beetr00 · 28/10/2024 04:18

VioletW · 28/10/2024 01:16

Well obviously I'd rather not jump to LTB.

I don't think he'd be taking me on all these trips if he wasn't into me? And spending time with my family when he visits at Christmas.

I do wish he was more keen to see me in November though. He seems to think the week in December will make up for it.

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority.

Edited

he's doing a PhD, THAT is a lot of hard work and pressure.

I'd be patient for a while longer if you like him enough.

Caiti19 · 28/10/2024 04:21

violentovulation · 28/10/2024 01:03

I'd cut ties tbh.

Yep, me too. Begging for his time at outset of relationship can't be a nice feeling, and doesn't bode well.

User37482 · 28/10/2024 04:33

He’s at the end of his PHD whilst working, it’s not like he’s not doing anything. Honestly I would have this conversation in December once it’s finished. He probably doesn’t have the headspace for much else. He is probably scrabbling for time as it is. Working and studying is not easy, especially towards the end.

If you are really keen then I would wait a bit. It would be pretty easy for him to say “after this is done I’ll have more time to come to you”. On the other hand if I were working and finishing up my PHD and my boyfriend wanted to have relationship chats at just that critical point I would probably let him go because I’d think he’s always going to be asking me for more at a point when I don’t have much to give. It would scream “I don’t have the imagination or empathy to understand how much stress you are under”.

InWalksBarberalla · 28/10/2024 04:36

I think if he is otherwise a good partner I'd cut him some slack on this one. His PhD should be his priority now, I'm assuming he has put an awful lot of blood and sweat into it and needs to finish it. I'd be a bit annoyed if my partner couldnt understand that.

LeafcutterAnt · 28/10/2024 04:36

VioletW · 28/10/2024 01:16

Well obviously I'd rather not jump to LTB.

I don't think he'd be taking me on all these trips if he wasn't into me? And spending time with my family when he visits at Christmas.

I do wish he was more keen to see me in November though. He seems to think the week in December will make up for it.

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority.

Edited

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority
Poor man. He just sounds stressed. Why don't you let him finish his PhD and then discuss it then.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 28/10/2024 04:51

Cardinalita90 · 28/10/2024 01:46

Are you same the same poster who posted recently because their boyfriend didn't want them to extend their birthday visit?

Either way, good for you for raising the conversation if the current status quo makes you uncomfortable. I'd be unimpressed about waiting until January but I wouldn't want to spend Xmas with someone who may admit just a few weeks later they can't offer the commitment I need. I get his PHD is probably stressful but you're not asking for the world here - just clarity.

That's the vibe I was getting.

maverickfox · 28/10/2024 05:00

VioletW · 28/10/2024 01:16

Well obviously I'd rather not jump to LTB.

I don't think he'd be taking me on all these trips if he wasn't into me? And spending time with my family when he visits at Christmas.

I do wish he was more keen to see me in November though. He seems to think the week in December will make up for it.

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority.

Edited

Your last sentence made me change my vote to YABU. As you say, he’s under a lot of pressure to finish his PhD and working. Why would you want to put him under more pressure? Let him finish his PhD, it requires a lot of focus and I can see why he would want to prioritise it. If he doesn’t come up to scratch in the new year then you need to reevaluate but for now I’d personally leave the conversation.