Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

This is beautifully expressed and I agree with it entirely.

Move on, you’re convenient because he has someone but doesn’t have to commit to much to them.
You can do better than this

Is he into you? SaTC

This is think is a great explanation. Men are fairly starightforward if he's invested he'll make time for you

Something doesn't seem quite right in this reluctance to be together more often and longer?

His words and behaviour are in conflict. He may treat you well when you're together, but saying he can't even manage to 'have a conversation about it until January' implies that he hasn't made his mind up about where your relationship is going, and wants to keep you on side until he has finished his PHD so that he has your company when he wants it.

You could suggest taking a break in your relationship until he finishes his PHD, as this uncertainty about the level of commitment he is prepared to make long term is causing you distress/anxiety, and though this may be difficult for you to do, it might hopefully jolt him into realising how upsetting you find the situation and how serious you are about needing a commitment so you can plan your future (not unreasonable desire for a woman in her 30's), and then he might realise he is in danger of losing you and will either commit finally or break-up, which will release you from this stressful scenario, but if he just shrugs and says 'o.k, we'll put it on hold until January without seeming upset' then i think you can take that as a pre-cursor to breaking up also. I hope you manage to resolve this situation without heartbreak.

I agree with this, apart from I'm on the DH side of this. I can't deal with the emotion stuff when I'm under pressure I just want to focus on work and my daughter. Sometimes you just have to push things aside for a bit. I do have a partner, we don't live together but been together for 6 years. He gets it.

What is PHD? Some kind of chemotherapy? Surely, he should have some time from his PHD requirements. I'm speaking as someone who has had THREE PhDs in his younger days!! So I should know what kind of all time-consuming illness this PHD lark (shameless excuse) is. Don't fall for it!! 😧

Think you're barking up the wrong tree it's a further degree.

I SHOULD know: I have three of them (=PhDs), in addition to BA Hons, MA, and a few other degrees and PG Diplomas!! 😀

You said it was an illness.

I was being sarcastic about the partner (who is making PhD studies as an excuse for not discussing matters of relationships till next year!! That's not right, in my view. PhD studies do not prevent you from talking to your partner on matters of importance. As I said, I should know!! I got married while doing one of my PhDs and had our first child!! So PhD is an excuse -- and not a nice one, I feel.

I've decided to wait until January to have the conversation, although I have a feeling it might come up before when we're planning seeing each other next.

I think he is finishing an intense period of his life and understand he wants to wait until the mental load has passed. Does it worry me he's asking me to postpone until 2025? Honestly yes it does. I suspect he's not ready for a more serious commitment.

I need to know that I'm not just the good time girl for the holidays. He doesn't treat me that way in general but if I want a greater commitment I need to know where he stands. And better to know sooner than later.

I also have to do a bit of digging into myself and what I want from the future.

I'm grateful for all the replies and especially the ones giving me ideas for specific ways to handle the conversation.

Hopefully this will be the case otherwise I would find someone else

Genuinely I did long distance during covid. I was struggling wanting to end it , he told me wait until ( was 4 months ahead) and he'd arranged a house to fit us all as a suprise. I hope there is something similar for you because all the other things feel like he's into you

Maybe he’s planning to propose over Xmas and doesn’t want to spoil the surprise?

Oh because every woman is just wistfully waiting for a proposal…
Proposal and marriage isn’t the zenith of a woman’s life or ambition. Nor should they be.

Well if you’re planning on having several cracks at it, a doctorate probably isn’t such a big deal. Most people target one, well executed and from a highly esteemed university and that’s more than sufficient to set up a good career. Perhaps he’s trying to launch off just the one.

"Most people target one, well executed and from a highly esteemed university" Will Cambridge University meet your criteria? 😀 My initial comment was about the strangeness of (what I felt was an) excuse based on one's PhD studies. I've known many other PhD students engaging with important aspects of life during their PhD research. Afterall, generally, PhD students are not teenagers -- and matters of relationships are important, especially if one of the partie feels "left out" !😀

You post about this situation all the time. He is not giving you what you need from a relationship, please cut your losses and move on.

Sorry, I have contributed on this comment earlier -- but the quote was in the wrong place!! 😅

PhD studies is NOT a relevant excuse even a reasonable reason!! There are issues of relationships, matters of one's views of life and how important relationships are in one's life, and issues of priorities.. Preferably both parties at least the party that is posting here would need to reflect on these thoughts. PhDs come and go: They are all good, challenging and career enhancing in most cases. I've seen enough and enough numbers of them to know PhD studies cannot be the explanation for what concern has been reported here!! 😀

You are wrong. You know deep down this is the pinnacle of a relationship and mutual life properly done.

I’m just not sure that not having time for other things when in the final weeks and if you plan it to be your only phd is that unusual. I know someone who had to sleep two hours less for four weeks in order to wrap everything up. They’d been sleeping 7, had to cut back to 5.

I agree if it were just during the course of it generally; or if you had done multiple such degrees, then, yes, I guess it becomes a way of life rather than a key career junction. But it isn’t normal to think “ oh I’ll just do another if this one doesnt do the trick.” Most people put valuable years and often at considerable financial cost into doing their PhD.

…moreover, many people try to do it before having children etc for the very reason they don’t have to juggle in that way.