Page 19 | Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

Original poster

VioletW · 29/10/2024 19:16

I do have a concern that this pushing the conversation to January is indicative of someone who will kick the can down the road with emotional topics but I think I need to see what happens after the phd before passing any judgements.

OP posts:

Askingforafriendtoday · 29/10/2024 19:17

Walkaround · 28/10/2024 12:54

She said he will be finished by the end of next week… Not sure, therefore, why he thinks he’ll be too busy for the whole of November and December to talk. I wonder if his response is dependent on something else he is waiting to hear back about.

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It may be that he hears about the corrections needed in Nov, needs to do those and submit again in December. He may have a viva.... huge, endless, dark tunnel is a PhD, in my experience

Ginny2024 · 29/10/2024 19:19

OP just for some perspective, I met my partner in England on a trip over from NI and from that first weekend neither of us missed a single weekend of travelling back and forth between England and NI if we could avoid it. The idea of waiting over a month to see eachother would’ve seemed like torture to us at the time

I know that would maybe be too much for some people but I guess the point I’m trying to make is that my partner was in a high pressure job as well as working towards a promotion and he never left me second guessing when I was next seeing him or how much he was missing me. Sorry you’re right in the thick of it at the moment though, I don’t envy you! I do sometimes miss the excitement of meeting him at the airport though lol

SophiaCohle · 29/10/2024 19:21

VioletW · 29/10/2024 19:16

I do have a concern that this pushing the conversation to January is indicative of someone who will kick the can down the road with emotional topics but I think I need to see what happens after the phd before passing any judgements.

If he tries to do that in January it would be a giant red flag for sure, but not one you're likely to miss at this point imo.

Iwantabrightsunnyday · 29/10/2024 19:49

You are a writer, he will be PHD writing something
Is it ever going to be working out?

BennyBee · 29/10/2024 19:52

I think the fact that he wants to wait to talk about it means that he wants to give it serious thought and, if he is pressured to finish the PhD, he just doesn't have the headspace right now. I don't think it is because he is not interested. But that he recognises the enormity of the decisions that need to be made.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/10/2024 19:59

Forgot to congratulate you on your achievement- published author that’s really huge.

Rhaenys · 29/10/2024 20:09

Middleagedspreadisreal · 29/10/2024 19:13

You're not a priority, his phd is. Rightly so. When the pressure's off for him, then he can focus on other things. If you love him, you'd understand.

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Honestly, if I were him, and right when I’d come to the end point of my PhD, that I’d been working on for years, my partner started to stamp their feet, I’d be so turned off.

Like why on earth should she be a priority at this time?!?

It’s taking something that’s important to him, that will have taken him years of hard work and expense, and making it about you.

HowYouSpellingThat10 · 29/10/2024 20:16

VioletW · 28/10/2024 01:16

Well obviously I'd rather not jump to LTB.

I don't think he'd be taking me on all these trips if he wasn't into me? And spending time with my family when he visits at Christmas.

I do wish he was more keen to see me in November though. He seems to think the week in December will make up for it.

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority.

Edited

This bit of information is pretty crucial. A PhD is pretty life consuming and will have taken years.

Is he just wanting to get that out of the way and then plan properly?

That's more understandable.

BunnyLake · 29/10/2024 20:28

My son and his gf have a long distance relationship too. They normally see each other regularly but she had some intensive job training and couldn’t have my son over or her come here for several weeks. It just wasn’t practical. Now the training is over they’re back to seeing each other as usual. My son understood and just did his own thing (studying and seeing friends) during that time. There was no drama. Of course it depends how secure you feel in the relationship generally. Maybe you’ve been getting a vibe he’s losing interest?

Middleagedspreadisreal · 29/10/2024 20:36

Rhaenys · 29/10/2024 20:09

Honestly, if I were him, and right when I’d come to the end point of my PhD, that I’d been working on for years, my partner started to stamp their feet, I’d be so turned off.

Like why on earth should she be a priority at this time?!?

It’s taking something that’s important to him, that will have taken him years of hard work and expense, and making it about you.

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Exactly

Pinkdhalia · 29/10/2024 20:48

Maybe the talk in January is to say it's not working? Do you think he's delaying that message?

Original poster

VioletW · 29/10/2024 20:53

@Pinkdhalia

100% don't think he's plotting to break up with me. He was going on about how much he loves me and being soppy before I left earlier. It's always possible...but I doubt it.

OP posts:

Buffs · 29/10/2024 21:05

VioletW · 29/10/2024 19:10

@Buffs I strongly doubt he'd agree to this 🙂

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you don’t need his agreement. He is treating your relationship as a casual relationship. Surely if he’s choosing to see you so infrequently he doesn’t get to call the shots. Besides I’m not suggesting you sleep around just keep your options open. 😊

ReadingSoManyThreads · 29/10/2024 21:13

VioletW · 28/10/2024 01:16

Well obviously I'd rather not jump to LTB.

I don't think he'd be taking me on all these trips if he wasn't into me? And spending time with my family when he visits at Christmas.

I do wish he was more keen to see me in November though. He seems to think the week in December will make up for it.

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority.

Edited

Apologies, not had chance to read the full thread, but based on this comment, I'd just give him the space he needs. He's under so much pressure finishing his PhD and I wouldn't want to add to that. So I'd patiently wait until your week together, then when he's ready in January, have a chat then. It just sounds like he has so much on his plate right now, that I wouldn't bother him with relationship talks. Leave him be until he's not under this pressure anymore. I'm sure all will be fine, it's only 8 weeks or so to wait, so not long in the grand scheme of things x

Aquamarineeyes · 29/10/2024 21:35

PhD or not, it takes less than 5 minutes for a man to say some version of I love you, I want to spend my life with you, get married and have children with you if you want to have them. You could agree to push the official announcement and ring shopping into December. That's quicker than checking a citation.

My view is that people delay conversations that they guess will be unpleasant. I might be hard and cynical but I think he could well be planning to have you on hand for sex and festivities in December because it's a bit grim breaking up around Christmas if he says he's not interested in that kind of commitment with you. I hope I'm wrong. In any case I think you're sensible in not letting this drift any further.

For what it's worth I tell my son that women have limited time to have children and if she's not the one for him, he shouldn't waste her time for years.

Platypuslover · 29/10/2024 21:46

VioletW · 28/10/2024 00:38

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

Sounds like you are the other woman.

Zone2NorthLondon · 29/10/2024 21:50

Relationships are equitable & mutual not a tussle to be prioritised or have demands met
Men don’t have prioritise women, we aren’t princesses to be indulged. Women don’t need to be prioritise men they are the the main man to be indulged. Relationships based on tussles for emotional supremacy and asserting oneself as the priority are fundamentally unbalanced and dysfunctional.

They are both talented busy people with a lot on. Him being busy with his Ph.d isn’t necessarily indicative of lack of commitment.His request to wait til January It’s indicative he’s got a lot going on. And no,she’s not his priority. Frankly, at this time nor should she be

So, less of the what ifs and wait a few short weeks…then have that big convo

Noononoo · 29/10/2024 22:13

He sounds fine to me. The only bugbear is the delaying of the talk about the future vis a vis the frequency of meet-ups. This obviously signals that he doesn’t want that to change and he knows that will cause distress so he is putting it off. Otherwise he would talk about it now. So if you are unhappy with present arrangement and want to live with him and start a family it doesn’t look very positive. I’m older and I’d love a part time distant relationship but that’s me.
I think he’s in love with his own space which is fine for him but obviously not for you so he probably needs a kick up the bum. Now. And of course bear in mind his academic deadline if you wish. As that might be freaking him out. Certainly in his head you are being a bit demanding which is not what he needs or wants right now…and you want more commitment. I’d make yourself a bit more scarce. Be a bit busy.

Borrowedtime · 29/10/2024 22:39

Finishing a PhD and working full time? That’s a huge commitment. Cut him some slack.

Woofie7 · 29/10/2024 23:50

Is he planning to propose at Christmas and so therefore things will need to change and he is not wanting to give it away in a conversation beforehand. 🤷‍♀️

Aquamarineeyes · 30/10/2024 00:54

I think OP should be terribly unavailable. It makes men wonder what you're up to and with whom. In desperate situations, I have known women leave the country to show they were not readily available - some man once confessed that 25 years ago he followed his now wife 11,000 miles and proposed. Since they are not even in the same country right now, OP should be cutting down visits and perhaps is rather unavailable in December. She should cut down any calling or texting or whatever way they communicate. It's not logical but people often want what they can't have.

Of course, in Mumsnet land you should go out with men for simply years and years and if they don't come up to snuff with a proposal, you should ask them as otherwise you are too passive (somehow men are not passive by not getting on with it) and full open communication is the the key to a healthy relationship. You're meant to be pathetically grateful even if it a cheap ring because otherwise you're just being materialistic and greedy. I personally think keeping your mouth firmly shut on some matters is a much more likely recipe for harmony. You don't have to say every thought that pops into your mind other than of course you don't want that ring with the tiny tiny diamonds.

It is, of course, preferable to find a man who is keen on you and is keen on settling down. They are so uncomplicated. They want to spend time with you. They say what they mean and they mean what they say. They don't tell you that they'll talk to you in January. They are keen to seal the deal. After all they know that a delightful creature like you might have your head turned by some other suitor if they delay.

TrueOlympian · 30/10/2024 04:39

VioletW · 28/10/2024 01:16

Well obviously I'd rather not jump to LTB.

I don't think he'd be taking me on all these trips if he wasn't into me? And spending time with my family when he visits at Christmas.

I do wish he was more keen to see me in November though. He seems to think the week in December will make up for it.

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority.

Edited

As someone who works in academia and has a phd, I’d say wait until he submits his thesis and see if the behaviour changes.

Also, I would discuss plans to move closer together, is there any chance? Long distance can work only for a specific time and if there is another plan afterwards.

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 30/10/2024 06:23

DH and I were 4 hours apart. For the first year he did most of the travelling because I was finishing uni. The next six months I did most of the travelling as we were getting a flat ready and he'd started a new job.

Travelling is stressful. And when you're also stressed about something else (eg finishing your studies, starting a new job, family etc), it can seem impossible to fathom.

Relationships are given and take. When I needed to be static, DH travelled. When he needed to be, I travelled. If this is the relationship you both want to be in, it sounds like right now it's your turn to shoulder the burden, but later it'll be his. That's just how normal, healthy relationships work. It's not 50/50 100% of the time, it can't be. But you support one another.

2025 is only two months away. Enjoy Christmas, enjoy New Year and have the serious conversation about whether you're both in it for the long haul next year. What advantage will having it now give you, other than to likely cause both of you more stress and upset over the holidays?

Zone2NorthLondon · 30/10/2024 06:57

Aquamarineeyes · 30/10/2024 00:54

I think OP should be terribly unavailable. It makes men wonder what you're up to and with whom. In desperate situations, I have known women leave the country to show they were not readily available - some man once confessed that 25 years ago he followed his now wife 11,000 miles and proposed. Since they are not even in the same country right now, OP should be cutting down visits and perhaps is rather unavailable in December. She should cut down any calling or texting or whatever way they communicate. It's not logical but people often want what they can't have.

Of course, in Mumsnet land you should go out with men for simply years and years and if they don't come up to snuff with a proposal, you should ask them as otherwise you are too passive (somehow men are not passive by not getting on with it) and full open communication is the the key to a healthy relationship. You're meant to be pathetically grateful even if it a cheap ring because otherwise you're just being materialistic and greedy. I personally think keeping your mouth firmly shut on some matters is a much more likely recipe for harmony. You don't have to say every thought that pops into your mind other than of course you don't want that ring with the tiny tiny diamonds.

It is, of course, preferable to find a man who is keen on you and is keen on settling down. They are so uncomplicated. They want to spend time with you. They say what they mean and they mean what they say. They don't tell you that they'll talk to you in January. They are keen to seal the deal. After all they know that a delightful creature like you might have your head turned by some other suitor if they delay.

What a peculiar writing style you have DeBretts meets The Lady.
Keen to seal the deal? It’s not used car lot. No woman is a deal or a trophy
What are you waffling on about with your peculiar advice about creating unnecessary drama whilst daydreaming about diamonds
One can only presume you’re being frivolous with your advice for impact and/or mirth