Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

My ds & his gf live 3-5 hrs apart. They spend about 6-8 weeks apart then 2 weeks together usually at her home as she doesn't drive. They speak on FaceTime daily. They have been together over 10years. It works for them but wouldn't suit me.
It sounds like your fella is focusing on finishing his studies. If you can I would reevaluate the relationship in January when he can focus on your future.

Absolutely agree.

He’s not your partner, he’s your boyfriend. You’ve never talked about living together in a real way, as you said. It’s possible that you are thinking of this relationship in a long term sense while he isn’t. You don’t say how long you have been together, but in most relationships where both people are on the same page about long term commitment and moving from just dating (which you are) to being in a committed partnership, a conversation about taking the next steps would have happened. The stress of a PHD isn’t an excuse to not have had that conversation if he’s as serious as you are and if you’ve been together a long time.

Well I quite enjoyed it! I wasn’t quite sure what the intended tone was but it was fresh and not without some honest advice.

Yes, this is exactly what I've been thinking. Completing a PhD is all-consuming, if he saw more of you he'd presumably spend less time writing. Many institutions have tightened up their time frames for completing doctorates so it's good that he's working hard. I'm not sure how far along he is (haven't read all your posts) but when does he have to submit something?

So he’s 31 just completing his phd and not living in his home country in Europe. He could be French he could be Italian he could be German ..etc and maybe he has long term commitment in his mind about returning home and setting up a family there? This happened to me with a German we never resolved it, neither of us wanted to be a passenger on the others ship. And we still love each other. ever and even apart.
Living in a country whose language is not your first is massive. So I empathise with both of you. Traditionally young women have thrown in their lot behind the man and followed him. That’s not where you are or what you want. And he might not want to do that either. It depends how traditional each of your desires are.

Yes I agree it’s complicated. And that only adds weight to why he doesn’t want to grapple with all that just now.

Lots of people are saying he should be able to jump in with a statement of intent. I am sympathetic to op’s wish for this. But equally there are a lot of threads on Mn that are not happy ones and seem to stem from relationships that started exactly like that, without full contemplation of the circumstances. Just now there is a stepmum thread; she wants to holiday without her stepchild, just her, DH and her own Dc, because she hadn’t realised how hard being a stepmum would be. Well, you have to do that thinking beforehand, especially where children are in the mix.

Secondly, and here I’m wading into territory I am happy to be corrected about, but the ASD people I know do seem to me to like to take decisions as a very carefully weighed and much more methodical process than I perhaps might, and can be less intuitive with those issues. I feel as though that has some relevance here too?

If he's st the end of a PhD AND doing a F/T job then No, you're not the priority right now. If you love him then support him through this time. You have a week in Dec anyway. But make sure things change in Jan.

Let him submit his thesis before bringing it up again. It is a stressful time and you’ll likely both say something you don’t mean and will regret. Is his viva scheduled shortly afterwards? If so I would let him focus on that. It’s a lot to deal with and once it’s done it’s done.

Going forward OP, when you ask to talk now and he offers January, reach a compromise of December instead.

Don't have him dictate the course of the relationship as your ways count too.

I know he has since said December but the initial reaction isn't great. Asking you to wait two months for a regular relationship conversation isn't putting you first.

Yes he's doing a PhD but he's not the first, last or only person who has to deal with stressful deadlines and hold down a job/family etc.

Even just explaining why it wasn't a good time would have been helpful.

Sounds like communication isn't great at all. How do you not know why he's marriage ended?
What if he's ex was tired of him never making time for the important conversations she wanted to have amongst other things?

Also, if he's freed up from the PhD early November, why can't you have the conversation then?

Sorry but a lot of people who come on here with relationships ending also thought they were in a good place before the bombshell.

Could he be seeing someone else and needing more time to decide who to stick with?

I know when a man loves and wants you, they'll make sure you know it, no matter what.

Congrats on your novel, but as others have said, put yourself first and hopefully it's a positive outcome.

I don't think the conversation was "shut up and wait" but "can we please talk in January" for what OP said. He might be hopeful that he could move nearer to OP after completing, he might have be thinking of approaching universities near her for hourly paid teaching in the second semester. He might be waiting to hear from some. If it's hourly paid, temporary work, they usually confirm late December or early January for work starting at the end of January or start of February. There might be a reason he wants to wait until January and perhaps he doesn't want to say in case it doesn't materialise.

I really feel for you OP. You're a bit older than him, and unfortunately women have time-pressure if we want to have children, which men don't have. For various reasons I didn't start trying for a baby until 37/38, and for various reasons it took a couple of years, and I was very lucky to have a baby, at 40, fertility is just going down by then; it was a very stressful time. (I find having a child very stressful as well - baby, toddler, child, pre-teen, teen, onwards - all challenging, and I don't find the phrase "it gets easier" to be true at all.)
It might be time for a real talk about life plans. Though this might just scare him off. Best of luck OP

I think the pull to our different countries is a factor but not insurmountable.

He talks about possibly going home 'someday' but also says he might never go back depending on how life pans out.

It's true that I'm not the traditional woman content to follow the spouse, but he is in an academic job where the title 'trailing spouse' exists for a reason.

He is thinking about taking a three month professorship in Germany next year. He asked if I'd go with him if he does this and I said I would. I can mostly work remotely and think we could arrange that.

Exactly. He may be painfully aware that some phds get rewrites.

Just to clarify on the phd, the hand in this week will be the final hand in.

He's done loads of painful rewrites already.

@CestLaVie123 exactly, I want to take control of my own life by saying what I want in terms of commitment but I don't want to scare him off either.

Too many stories of women waiting about down men hopefully then it doesn't go as they hoped and that's that, too late.

I think if you’d mentioned the phd in the opening post, you’d have slightly different responses. A new job and finishing the PhD will not leave him much time. It won’t be forever then. You won’t be a priority for now. That’s pretty normal when someone has to finish a paper.

Once he’s only got the job, he will be able to see you more, surely. Then you can justifiably make requests. You don’t sound very empathetic to the stress he is going through for now and would rather just add to it by pressuring him. Why not give it till the New Year? It’s not far off?
You’re more likely to drive him away nagging. I know your clock is ticking but 8 weeks won’t make a difference.

I'd hold on until the Dec visit to discuss this in person.

His PhD will be taking up his headspace along with the job and if anything I think he's being honest in saying he can't invest time in travelling/meeting up in Nov.

I don't see this as a deal breaker at all unless there were other behaviours that made you question his commitment.

Were those rewrites to submit or rewrites after the Viva? If the first, his Viva would probably be now in January. If the latter, he's almost done. Minor corrections are usually 3 months, major could be up to a year, but he'll know shortly after the Viva.

I suspect you'd have fewer problems and much less angst if instead about worrying about scaring him off you were open about your boundaries and needs so you can both work out where you stand.

If you are not on the same page - better for you both to know that so you can make hard choices. Though pick a time when neither of you are completely stressed and distracted.

My long distance relationship stopped being long distance when we reached point we were both sick of travel and distance got too far - we had the frank discussion who was moving and I was unhappy at work and other factors so said yes I'm willing to move to where you are but - as we were already engaged - it's a risk for me and I want the wedding date set - he said how soon I said how soon do you want me to move up there - he booked date next day with date few months ahead just enough to sort things - worked out I moved up week before in end but with everything booked and families informed.

I told him very clearly what I needed giving him a chance to counter offer or do what I needed.

If you want to give Germany a whirl - look at how it could be made to work for you - what you could get out of it and make sure if it goes pair shaped you normal longer lifestyle isn't adversely affected - and work out what you need from him to make it worth taking any risks.

YANBU. Absolutely not. You have time together between ie and the new year soo why the wait? I’m assuming you are looking for a way to compromise and find a solution that suits you both? This should be a good thing- it shows you are interested in sustaining your relationship and feel secure enough to approach him when you have an issue to discuss. But his reaction suggests he anticipates this is going to be a stressful conversation and he’s trying to delay it as much as possible. Perhaps he knows you aren’t going to like what he wants to do, or he just don’t want to compromise. Maybe reassure him that this isn’t about making demands but finding a way you are both happy and your relationship can grow? His reaction just seems off to me.

This!

I wouldn't necessarily say that his way of thinking is a male trait but people often fit into logical/theoretical ways of thinking and others are more sensing/emotional. My husband and I are exactly this; when he's under pressure, he doesn't have the headspace and/or desire to deal with emotions or drama whereas when I'm in such a situation, I need affection, care and support. I've learned that when he's on a deadline or under a lot of pressure at work, that is not the time to be asking for or expecting major displays of affection, having discussions about where to go on holiday next year and even worse analysing our relationship! It just doesn't work for him and ultimately it ends up with me getting upset too. The best way that I can describe it is that he compartmentalises things into mental "boxes" so that he can prioritise them and deal with them logically; whereas I have just one big box of emotions that are all impacted by each other and connected.
It isn't a case of degrading the relationship because of the way he is; it's just taken me years to fully understand the way he processes stuff and it's not personal - and ditto me. We're different!
I'd say, right now is not the time to force this conversation with him; get the thesis out of the way and other deadlines and show that you understood why and you might be surprised when he does have the headspace, he will have the time to focus on you both and also appreciate that you gave him that space when he needed it.

All rather odd.
Does he have a whole other family elsewhere - a wife and kids perhaps??

Maybe he IS genuinely into you, but just can't break his other ties and get away more often.

Failing that, i agree with others - he's just not that into you. He sounds incredibly cavalier about the situation!!

How much do you actually know about this man?

Tell him he needs to give you some straight answers NOW, or just end things. Doesn't sound as if this will ever progress into a meaningful LT relationship. You deserve better. X

This is exactly how I am! If someone pressures me when I'm at peak full headspace, I couldn't cope with it!