Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

I can’t believe so many posters are saying “he’s doing a phd, he can’t be expected to have a conversion about anything important for the next 2-3 months.”

So his Big Important Job/career is so much more important than OP having a clue where her life is going next year? Do me a favour. All you phd apologists need to give your heads a wobble. I don’t care how intense your studies are, you can spare a couple of hours to talk to someone you’re supposed to love about whether your relationship has a future.

And if you don’t want to have that conversation until after you’ve finished, I would conclude it’s because the fallout (break up of the relationship) will interfere with your studies. If you truly love someone and see a future with them it would take 30 seconds to tell them that.

There had been loads of lurid discussion on this thread about this guy: is he not committed? Is he scarred? Is he never, ever going to marry again? Will his subsequent marriages be destined to fail? Is he avoiding important conversations? Is there just some dire reason that the relationship is doomed because he will be jealous of op getting published, or because he is autistic etc etc?

The facts ( as opposed to conjecture) we do know are that he has been married before, he has known the op for about a year ( ?) but oniy a small percentage of that has been spent in each other’s company, and he is clearly academically successful and trying to complete his phd in the coming weeks .

Personally, in those circumstances I think an answer that he wants to focus on his Phd till January submission ( now very close ) is the most logical and straightforward thing he could be saying.

I do understand op’s sense of urgency to some degree, but if I were him I would not be diving down those avenues right now either. I think everything he has said and done is an absolutely normal, understandable, and eminently logical stance. If I were him, it’s exactly how I’d be handling it.

But the point of her thread(s) is she doesn't really know him! And she's asking what he might be thinking or going to do.

It's not a stretch to make some comments (in general) about how very bright people are sometimes a bit flaky and unstable. Six decades of life has shown and taught me a lot.

@Calliopespa I suspect the truth is that he's not sure how he feels. They've met roughly 2 x a month for a year plus some holidays. That isn't the basis to make a life long commitment for many people when they are still just 31, already with one failed marriage, and on the cusp of a big career move.

Honestly, I would stop digging if I were you, Claire, it's starting to get offensive. You don't know this man and the fact that one of the few things we do know about him is that he's objectively intelligent doesn't entitle you to make insinuations about his emotional stability based on some tired old trope you've picked up along the way to middle age.

Don't make any decisions until he's finished his studies, especially if the end is in sight. I know you want to know where you stand, but pressuring him now for an answer isn't really fair. After his studies are complete however, that's a time when you should expect some discussion and answers. Give him.his time to study and then ask for your time when he's done

The film "He's just not that into you" comes to mind.

This.

Not worth it. Find someone who can make time did you.

He seems to need to be in the driving seat.

OP I’m sorry you’re going through this uncertainty. I was in an almost identical situation when I was in my 20’s - now dh & I were in separate countries and only saw each other every 3-4 weeks.
It was so hard. I noticed that he was more distant, and I tried to get him to commit a bit more. Eventually I decided that it caused me too much anguish, and I backed off massively. For two weeks I didn’t call him, while I came to terms with the end of our relationship - I just couldn’t put myself through it any longer.
After this time, I stayed up all one night to write him a letter explaining that for my own sake, that I had to finish it.
The next day on my lunch break I was on the way to the postbox when he called to say he missed me, and he wanted me to go over.
I was and am so very relieved that he saw the light!
My advice to you would be that you cannot force people to be with you. It needs to come from them. Maybe giving him a little space will help him to see this?
An happy to discuss in pm if you like…

Could he be planning a suprise proposal/ relocation?

The finishing the PhD is pretty massive as a dripfeed. I went a bit mental in the last 3 months of mine - and I was only working P/T (and my ex-DP was doing pretty much everything at home, and being massively supportive.) I think that's your answer.

If he's not giving you a reason, then you need to check in with him.

Honestly, Sophia I think you should back off and stop making ageist comments (how cheap is that?) just because you think for some reason that you know better and your opinion is right. Or that you are somehow the moderator here.

Honestly, Sophia I think you should back off and stop making ageist comments (how cheap is that?) just because you think for some reason that you know better and your opinion is right. Or that you are somehow the moderator here. Unknown to you as you can't see them, the OP has thanked me several times for my comments.

I don't think this is a goer.
Sorry.

Congratulations on the novel and book tour -a huge achievement OP. Enjoy this moment. Don’t let unnecessary stress get the better of you.
You have so many great things going for you. Your partner sounds like one.
I had a long distance relationship (Scotland/ London) He eventually moved to London to be with me. We’ve been married for 30 years. He’s a great husband and father - one of the very best.
I do remember how stressful and lonely that long-distance romance was. There were many misunderstandings. It was downright miserable at times. But looking back it was a real strength in the relationship. We both wanted it to work and made it work. It was give and take. When he was studying for Royal College exams, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and lots of space.
My daughter is now in a three-year long distance relationship (London / Scotland). She is studying for professional exams and working hard. He gets posted to Madrid for 6 months in February. Sometimes she is beyond miserable. But they are committed and are making it work. They have shared goals.
If everything is otherwise as good as it can be given the circumstances, cut him some slack with the PhD. It’s such a stressful time.
Don’t hold a grudge or nurse your wrath. Only you know how committed he really is. If you are able to concentrate on yourself and enjoy friends, family and drama group for now, do so. Fit him in around your other plans.
One day you’ll be living together with kids and completely on top of each other. You’ll look back at this time fondly and wish you’d made more of it for yourself. Good luck.

Bye 👋👋👋 thats no relationship !!!

He might honestly just be under that much pressure in work although yes January is a ridiculous amount of time to wait to have a conversation!

If you enjoy the time you are together and you think you can rely on him even if you meet only every other month, I would rather you wait until Feb 2025 before bringing this up for discussion or worry much.
During the time you are living apart, if it helps then do more planned face time . That way you can get early indication if there is any commitment issue and cause for concern.

My granny’s favourite saying
“if a man wants something, he’ll find a way. If he doesn’t, he’ll find an excuse”

You know what to do OP.

"Six decades of life has shown and taught me a lot."

Your words, not mine.

And she thanks everyone. She's very polite.

Enough now with the offensive stereotyping. Intelligent people are no more or less likely to be unstable than the population as a whole.

It's a shame your six decades of life experience haven't taught you when to stfu.

The worst time to make demands is coming up to Christmas time.
Especially since you know he’s under pressure at work.
That would end the relationship quickly.
Men don’t like being forced into situations whether in work or in a relationship and from what I have seen in your original comment that’s exactly the way he will feel about it.

Yep. Absolutely this.,

I think she is thanking everyone for their time.