Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

Also from my point of view there is no big thing to discuss. I need him to visit more often to make the relationship viable. I was just stating this and he's saying 'can we talk about this in January'.

If the answer is 'i can't' or won't, I want to know that now and not later. He seems dedicated to the relationship but need to make a bit more effort to come to me.

It doesn't seem that long to me but then I'm not in the mood for a boyfriend at present 😆

So you have a week together in December? Do you see the distance becoming a problem?

I'd cut ties tbh.

Five weeks isn't a huge amount of time but rhe point @CalicoPusscat is that he's barely visited since summer. I'm not willing to shoulder all the financial cost or mental/emotional cost of travelling after work.

My main issue now is him wanting to wait months to talk about something I want to resolve asap. Should I just say no actually, this is important and I need to talk now?

I mean it s ridiculous. I'm at his home now. He's suggesting we can't talk about it now or even when he visits before Christmas

The relationship is otherwise great.

This.

he’s not cut up that he won’t see you for a month

so just bin him off

he should be itching to see you. He gives zero shits.

you should end it now

He's just not that into you. I'm sorry OP

He's not that into you. Finish it. Sorry op.

He’s just not that into you. If he was he’d make you feel like a priority. Even if he couldn’t make more time available, you’d be in no doubt that he wanted to, and he’d want to talk about the future and how things can change to give you more time together.

Well obviously I'd rather not jump to LTB.

I don't think he'd be taking me on all these trips if he wasn't into me? And spending time with my family when he visits at Christmas.

I do wish he was more keen to see me in November though. He seems to think the week in December will make up for it.

He's at the end of finishing a PhD as well as working so he is under a lot of pressure but it doesn't make me feel like a priority.

Honestly, he seems to keeping you on a very slow simmer and available when he wants and at his convenience. Time is marching on and nobody's eggs are getting younger. I'd end this. It is very difficult, if not impossible to make a man keener on you. Look at what he does, not what he says. Are you paying for half these trips, meals, fares etc. Is the room rate the same whether it is shared?

@Aquamarineeyes I've paid half for all the recent trips apart from one where he shouldered most of the cost.

He also buys most meals we have out when I visit. And we always have a great time.

You're right because I'm early 30s and if he can't dedicate more time I want to know this year and not next. I don't think it's acceptable for him to put it off just because he's stressed.

If he has a deadline for a PHd that’ll be where his head is at. I know academia and it takes up so much headspace. and maybe he’s clearing his life decks so he can focus on the things that matter to him? Like you? Easy to say to bin him off, but if it’s great otherwise and you've spent time and care building trust.. maybe breathe and wait it out? After all, what’s the point of any relationship other than being a safe trusting space from where you live your life from?

If he's not bothered about seeing you, he's not really keen at all. He should be desperate to see you. You're just filling a gap eg the trips until or while he meets/looks for someone he is into.
The talk of loving you is just to keep you hanging on. I'm so sorry. You're wasting your time.

When I was writing up my PhD, DH and DC barely saw me, and I was in the same house. This is not something he’s ever going to be doing again - if you like him, I’d probably hang on until his thesis is in.

@Knockmealdowns thanks for a different perspective.

We have spent a lot of time developing this relationship so I'm not keen to jump to LTB - dont want to be strung along either.

Next summer I need to travel for a work thing and he said he can adjust his schedule to come and support me on the trip. So he is thinking ahead sometimes.

@VioletW I think you need to be quite blunt with him and say you can't shoulder the finance/headspace issues.

Doesn't need to be horrible at all but you're obviously in different places at present. December sounds good though, it'll probably be quite cold and dark then so snuggle up time and nice food?

He should compromise on a weekend in November

This.

If you are interested in keeping him as a partner, I think you should give him some space and be more understanding about the stress that finishing a PhD can put on someone.

Obviously if the relationship isn't worth it to you if he can't put more effort in until he's finished, then putting your foot down is reasonable. But be prepared for it to end the relationship, even if he says the right things now and tries to give you more time.

(Edited as was interrupted and OPs updates changed things.)

Is the deadline for his thesis in December? In which case he seems completely reasonable to me, as @Saschka has said it's all consuming and tbf he won't have much headspace left I know I wouldn't

Are you same the same poster who posted recently because their boyfriend didn't want them to extend their birthday visit?

Either way, good for you for raising the conversation if the current status quo makes you uncomfortable. I'd be unimpressed about waiting until January but I wouldn't want to spend Xmas with someone who may admit just a few weeks later they can't offer the commitment I need. I get his PHD is probably stressful but you're not asking for the world here - just clarity.

You can't force someone to have a conversation with you. You can say 2025 is too far away. You can say it feels unfair to not discuss it sooner. You can say you want him to listen to what you want/need. You could write down what you want to say and ask him to read it.You can't make him reply. You can end a relationship at any time for any reason.

I think if you are keen on him you need to say honestly that you understand he's under pressure currently but something needs to change after Christmas, talk in December

He will always be his priority and you a poor second. Is this what you want?

I predict you wanting to marry, him saying 'it's just a piece paper' etc etc. Him meeting the one , ditching you and marrying in a few months.

He should be panicking because you're upset, terrified he'll lose you. He's not.

Is there a chance he wants to propose to you at Christmas or New Year hence why he thinks things will be different then? He could be working etc to make money to buy a ring?