Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

If he is study and working it’s be tricky for him.

I think you should wait for your week in December to plan a head. If you have a nice week then plan for the new year. If you’re still unhappy then end it.

Btw I’m not saying you shouldn’t be a priority OP but there have been times in my marriage where I really had to prioritise myself, my husband understood and took a supportive role instead of complaining that his needs weren’t met.
I’ve done the same for him.

I think if you had to be your own priority at any point you would expect him to step back and just support instead of loading more to worry about on your plate at just the worst moment. It’s the ebb and flow of long term relationships. For me it’s been worth it because it’s built trust that we have each others backs.

He’s not that into you. Don’t over complicate it. End it. You deserve more.

Do you have a longer term plan for him to live with you or you to live with him? He's not treating your relationship as a priority when he acts like this

I think if he's studying then that says it all really. Let him get his work done and be patient until new year. He will.get a good job which will help you both for the future.

Those saying he's not in to you haven't read your massive drip feed that he's finishing off a PhD. That'll be a huge stressor for him and will take up all his focus. If you really care for him you should give him space to complete his thesis and stop piling on the pressure. This is a very important time for him and he doesn't need a GF stressing him out with 'me, me, me'.

Give him space and if he then starts pushing back once the PhD is over then you have your answer.

OP, MN loves nothing more than to see a relationship ending, and they love even more being able to tell a woman how not interested the man in her life is.

He’s finishing a phd, he’s only not going to see you for four weeks, and then you have a week planned together. I don’t know what your plans are going forward, but if the relationship can’t withstand a couple of weeks apart then long distance isn’t for you.

I’ve been with DP for just over 11 years, and for logistical reasons we’re not in a position to live together.
We do see each other every weekend, but there have been times when we haven’t. The relationship survived two lockdowns, and at the moment we’re not in a position to talk about how we can be together permanently because my youngest is still at home with no idea when that will change, and he’s worked for the same company for 30 years, in a niche industry which isn’t transferable.

If you can’t handle that at this point there are more important things than you then you run the risk that he will be the one who walks away.

If this relationship ends up being long term it will have to withstand far stronger tests, such as family bereavement, possible illness, any other curves which life throws our way. If it can’t withstand a couple of weeks apart then it will never be able to withstand anything serious.

If his PhD thesis has to be submitted in Jan or even Feb that's one hell of a drip feed!

He’s working full time and finishing his PHD
he doesn’t have the time
he must be under a lot of stress and pressure
and your just adding to it

Next year is soon, if he has started a new role and is finishing his PhD then of course he will be busy and stressed, just hang on till next year. See if it changes and then reassess. In the scheme of things a few months is nothing.

Poor bloke. Sounds like he barely has time to piss for the next few weeks.

You posted about this before, it was agreed that you would see each other fortnightly. Then he didn't stick to it, this hasn't changed. You want him to prioritise you and he isn't.

Either you continue to visit him monthly and he visit every other month or you end things because you're not happy with doing 75% of the visits.

The additional drip feed of the PHD changes the situation completely. Rather than it sounding like he just CBA it now sounds like you are putting pressure on him at a hugely stressful stage of his study. If you love him enough and think it is worth waiting for then leave him be for now.

Relationships ebb and flow, sometimes one partner needs to be more supportive e.g. pay more to see the other in your case. Then he is going to be supportive of you next year and put aside work to come travel with you for your work.

I was going to ask why ao clear about wait until 2025 now I know it's the PhD. Just be patient and wait and if after the pressure eases off he is still not committing enough time and effort make a decision.

He doesn't need extra pressure from you on top of working and finishing a PhD he needs your support.

"He's finishing his PhD and it makes me feel like I'm not his priority"

Well in truth you aren't his priority at the moment. Finishing his PhD is. And to be real after he's submitted, decompressing and finding a new job will also be priorities for him, though he'll have more time and mental energy for you. Then perhaps moving for the new job, and settling into the new job will be priorities for him.

Hopefully you will be up there in amongst the list of main priorities after he has submitted- only time will tell. But for the next however many weeks and months, he does has other priorities, even after submission.

You have freedom of choice to decide if he's worth the wait and for how long you will wait. If it were me I'd wait, but make a real effort to channel my energy into occupying myself in other directions and deprioritising how much of your focus goes on him for now.

I’d wait and see how things are when he has finished his phd. Huge amount of work and that’s where his head will be at the moment.

I agree. DH had to more or less put life on hold during the last 6 months of his thesis.

Don't stay in a relationship with someone who wants you to keep quiet about your needs/ put them on the backburner.

I had this in a previous relationship and it was always "not right now" because there was always a reason - a family event coming up, work was too busy, blah blah.

A conversation with his partner is not going to take a lot of time out of his precious, busy life.

If he can't find the time/ energy for that, then it means he can't find the time/ energy for you.You need to make this happen or he will just walk all over you.

If he's indecisive then fine but he needs to be a big boy and actually talk to you about that, not just string you along.

Sorry but I completely disagree.

The responses aren't divided between people who understand how busy life can be and people who don't. That's extremely patronising. I have a PhD and understand how busy that period is.

But this guy is in a relationship with someone that he apparently cares about, and his partner is upset and needs to talk to him. That takes priority. A conversation does not take long.

You don't say "shut up and wait two months". That is not a good way to treat someone you care about.

Context is everything and the PhD is a pretty big drip feed OP.

The pressure of working, plus completing a PhD is huge. If you love this person and want a future with them, please give them the space in November to get on top of their work load. They are asking for just one month to fully focus on their thesis - it’s hardly unreasonable.

Considering the work and focus a PhD requires, I think they have been hugely attentive. As another poster mentioned, they lived in the same house with their own partner and DC and barely saw them in the latter stages of their PhD. Be supportive, it’s short term pain for long term gain.

Do you have a PhD? Are you working towards one? If not, you are being vvv unreasonable.
You are moaning on a public forum that you won't see him for 4 week, yet when you do see him, you are having trips, and he gets on with your family.
You seem very needy. LDRs are difficult, but you knew this. A PhD involves a phenomenal about of work, often in bursts, and you are detracting him by demanding to talk.
When you get a stage in work where you are under a deadline, you'll understand.
But you either understand and support him until his studies are finished and he can accede to your visit requirements, or you can leave him if he is not 'making the effort' you need

Leave him alone, he has a new job and he’s finishing his PhD, it sounds really stressful.I think it’s ridiculous to hassle him for a weekend when he is finishing his PhD. J ust see what happens from December.

He isn’t treating you like you’re his priority right now because you’re not - his phd is - and that’s how it should be.

I think it’s very unfair of you to be putting more demands on him at this time and you really need to stop making this about you.

It doesn't feel like you are the priority because you aren't. Its not about 'not jumping to LTB" its about your boundaries and self respect, you doing all the travelling is settling the tone of the relationship.

If he means he’ll talk about your future together after submitting his thesis in December, that is reasonable and sensible. If he means he’ll talk at some unspecified date next year, it isn’t.