Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

Fair point, I do too, but they weren’t getting married in the very final months aka the most stressful part. At that point they were completely off grid until they finished!

Yeah... nagging someone who is TRYING TO FINISH A PhD and has NO space in their brain for anything else (and working as well!!) is really unsupportive. (I was in a trans-Atlantic long distance relationship while I was finishing mine, btw, and we saw each other about twice a year - and then got married after my first postdoc). I think you are being ridiculous. Talking in January clearly means "after I hand in when I have time to think again". You are being very selfish.

The rest of the dynamics aside, a PhD plus working is a huge undertaking and him saying let's talk in 2025 is because he's snowed under, he probably needs to just use all free time and focus on that, and while it's not nice to be put on hold, I think it's quite common with people doing their PhD and working.

My sister went off the map when she was finishing hers and got really stressed, her fiancee at the time (now husband) said it was like getting her back again after she'd handed it in. I'd give him the time if you like him, he will have so much more time and mental bandwidth once its handed in, and have the chat at the earliest you can in 2025 and go from there.

I think finishing a phd while working full time is quite a once in a lifetime type of business. lots of people I know say their phd was the hardest thing they have ever done.

I think I would let him know you understand and can shelve a “big chat” till January but in the meantime you’d like to know if he thinks it’s something that can change or if he thinks it’ll be similar to this, say throughout 2025?

How long have you been together and have you discussed any longer term plans to close the distance (one or both moving?).

It's not about how much he pays for or where he takes you. It's about how committed he is to seeing you more often. He has shown you he is not committed to giving any more than you have, he won't even discuss it. I'm not sure what more you need to hear? This is not going to change. You may not want to jump straight to LTB but you're already living the alternative.the real question is how much more are you prepared to commit when this is all you are going to get in return?

When DH was working and finishing his PhD, we both prioritised the thesis over time together.

When I was finishing my PhD, several years later, my priorities were our kids and the thesis and DH barely got a second thought.

If a man wants to see you he will make the effort to try and see you

are you sure you are exclusive?

@VioletW - many posters are egging you on, saying you’re not a priority etc. But does your need to have this conversation really trump his need to concentrate on his PhD in the run-up to its December deadline?

You want to plan for January and February but in the context of a 3 year relationship which you’ve nurtured and which is going well, from what you say, can’t you just be a bit more relaxed about January and February arrangements?

For me, if you want to show loving support, let him focus on his PhD. If I had a massively important deadline for something that’s involved 3 years’ work, I would be quite pissed off if my partner created additional pressure on me in the way you’re suggesting. It’s already nearly November. 2025 is only about 10 weeks away. In the bigger picture, it’s not long to wait.

Obviously, if things continue in a non-committal way in 2025, that’s different but it doesn’t sound like they will. Things have worked well till now.

Och, the Phd isn't the issue. But let's pretend it is - OP, tell him you've decided to take a break from the relationship until he is free to be all-in - i.e. PhD done. And mean it - cut all contact. You may find life is easier without him and all the pain he is giving to you.

It isn't 'needy' to want a real life boyfriend rather than a fantasy one. He isn't available for a relationship, whatever the reason. He's being unfair carrying on a relationship of any sort, IMO, when he doesn't have the bandwidth for it.

I'd like a swimming pool in my garden, but I don't have the time or finances for it. His metaphorical swimming pool is full of leaves and the water is green, but he's still happy because he can say he's got a swimming pool, and he doesn't plan on swimming in it himself anyway.

He's finishing his PhD and working, he's probably at near break down. That's a huge commitment. If he messes up his PhD that's years and ££££ down the drain, give him a break.

Depends what you want from him, ultimately. Sounds like he wants to keep things quite casual, are you happy with that? You'll have the space to pursue a career and do other things. I'd probably wait until January in this case, as other than you missing him a bit, there's no particular rush. Short term, I'd consider travelling to him more.

If you're looking for commitment, moving in, maybe marriage and / or children, I'd be much more concerned with the attitude. If you're supposedly acting as a "unit", he should be seeing you more. If you were living together and he was "stressed", he couldn't just go months on end not making any effort of doing anything. But doesn't sound like he sees it this way tbh.

"What can I do to help?"
"How can I make the next couple of months easier?"
"Do you need anything?"

All he is hearing is "I want to talk, I want you to change, I want you to come to me..." at a time when he is going through the most stressful and time hungry phase of his career so far.

Give him his couple of months to get through it. Then negotiate (not demand) change.

At the moment the PhD is the priority. It just is. Those last weeks are the most stressful, the culmination of years of work and a lot of money (even if funded by someone else). Be as demanding as you like from 2025 but I think it would be unreasonable to insist on his prioritising you now.

I'd back off until the PhD is done & dusted. You're not getting a true reflection of who he is, what his values are & how important you are to him at the moment because of the study pressure. I even struggled to make headspace for my children in my final 2 MA terms, so I can only imagine what it must be like for a doctorate. My (non cohabiting) partner speaks about that period of our relationship as if I was away doing a prison sentence & TBH, I can see why. I'm glad he 'waited for me'.

I just think that telling your partner "not right now" when they are clearly upset is uncaring, even if you are busy. There are more gentle and helpful ways of supporting each other AND doing what you need to do.

If the relationship is too much for him, then he needs to tell her now, not in two months - it is cruel to keep her hanging on.

If he doesn't want to end it, then he needs to make some efforts to help her feel reassured right now, not leave her suffering for two months.

That might not involve spending the weekend with her, or a "big" conversation, but it should be at least a reassuring conversation. If he doesn't have time to even speak to his upset partner then he really shouldn't be in a relationship at all.

Even if he can't cope with the mental load right now, there are kind ways of communicating that which don't leave your partner floundering.

Just finishing an phd and working?

This is an absolutely major undertaking which will take a lot of his time and his mental energy

Really you should be asking "how can I best support you" not making demands of your own

He's doing a PHd .
You're with him for a week now taking you into November.
He's coming down for a week in early December
He's coming down again for Christmas .

I don't see what your problem is , he's obviously very busy with the PHd , so doesn't want a discussion now which will probably turn into an argument .

Give him a break !

I don't think he's being unreasonable at all.

You sound very needy.
Can't you see how busy he must be??

If you want to force it, you should do the traveling.

Why are you long distance? Presumably there's something more important than him that's keeping you where you are instead of moving.

It sounds like a very long winded version of netflix and chill, but you're doing the visiting and he's letting you do the leg work. Sack him off, there are plenty more fish in the sea.
I have a friend like this, she visits her TDR guy whenever he contacts (which is sporadic and can go months without contact). She won't give him up and date other people, so around the merry go around they go. Lather, rinse, repeat. Nope, life is too short. Save your sanity.

ignore my comment which follows as I have now read he's doing a phd and working.

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maybe he is planning a change in job which will make things easier? So he doesn't view the discussion as one he knows how to have?

Not sure if you've namechanged or not but you've posted about this man before?

He's the academic right? And he recently didn't want you to come and stay with him (around your birthday)

Sadly, he doesn't sound as invested in this as you are. He seems happy to have the trips and the good times but doesn't seem to want the rest?

I'm not sure how much you are pushing him though? Your other post was very recent so you've again raised the same issue with him and been rebuked.

He isn't prioritising you and it sounds as though you need someone who will.

I am torn.

I know he's very busy. I think that could mean he'll get through this year and then be open to having the conversation, or, his new academic job becomes the next thing that stops him visiting.

To reply to a PP - I haven't moved because of my ties to the country I'm in/from. My family is there, all my friends, my theatre group which I'll need to give up when/if I move. It's a big deal to move though doable.

I want a long term commitment from him and don't want to find out too late he doesn't want that, having children etc. I can't put that future conversation off for long.

He's likes the arrangement you have now. Doesn't want to commit.

This is a good point though.

He has said he'll support my career next summer.