Partner wants to wait until 2025 to discuss this?!

[VioletW]

We are long distance 3 hours apart in UK.

Lately he has been under a lot of pressure at work and has barely come to visit me when we planned to reciprocate visits. This was before he started the job.

That isn't to say we don't see each other - we've been on 3 short trips to other places in the last 1 1/2 months and i am at his place now for a week.

After I leave we won't see each other again until early December when he will stay with me for a week. So that means the whole of November we won't see each other. We're both busy but I won't know why he can't make the effort one weekend?

So today I told him I want to talk about this as I'd like him to visit me more in the new year. His response was to get very stressed and ask me to postpone the conversation until January! I said honestly I don't think I can do that. I need to be able to plan our time together in January and Feb. AIBU?

You are more interested in him than he is with you. This is not an equal relationship.

You can make all the excuses you like, deadlines etc, when a man truly loves you, he will do anything to be with you.

Sounds like he doesn't have the headspace to see you in November as he has so much on. It is not a long time to wait. If when he has finished the Phd he is still making excuses then reconsider, but for now I think patience and giving him space is a good idea. In any event, being needy and pushing it when someone has set clear parameters is never a good look.

He has time fertility wise, you don’t so much!
Does he really care, I doubt it, I would just say I need to know

I was all "LTB" until I saw he was finishing a PhD. It's normal for him to have no time and no headspace. Don't expect any sensible discussions until it's done.

Sounds like you are viewing long distance relationship with a view to being together. He views long distance as a convenience to compartmentalise at best.

I've watched my close friend try and make two long distance relationships work in her 30's. The first one was with a Phd student and his work was always deemed the most important, so she altered a lot of her life doing much of the travelling as her job was more flexible, and eventually moving down there to live with him, but by then he had developed feelings for one of his colleagues as he spent so much time at work so they broke up. The second one was a similar thing - the Bf's important job took priority and she ended up doing a lot of the visiting as he was under so much "stress", and he wanted her to make all the sacrifices and sell her house to move down near him, meaning nothing in his life ostensibly had to change but everything had to change for her and she was shouldering all the risk. In the end that situation came to a head and they split. She now feels she wasted her childbearing years on trailing around after these men who ultimately didn't want to alter their lives to accommodate her.

What's your longterm plan? Do you want to move together eventually?

I’d want to know why he can’t discuss this topic until 2025

She is a grown up and it is her job to manage her own feelings not his.

He has been clear about not seeing her for November but they have a week away planned in December. He has said he will be in a position to have that conversation in January when he will know the lie of the land well enough to give guaranteed answers. Maybe that's when his PhD will be complete.

And, tbh, we don't know how many of these conversations have been had, how pushy the OP is nor how kind and caring her boyfriend is because we only know what she has told us.

He could have already given her all the reassurances in the world and it still not be good enough because she wants to feel like his top priority regardless for all we know.

@VioletW you've posted about your boyfriend more than once before.

Are you sure this really is the relationship for you.

When you say he wants to wait until 2025 to discuss, that sounds dramatic. 2025 is two months away. 1 month of which you aren’t seeing each other anyway.

He’s neck deep in finishing his PhD. His PhD! This isn’t the morning word search, his entire academic career has led to this. Dig deep. I’m sure you can manage to wait a couple of months.

If after that he’s fluffy and non-commital, sure by all means, re-evaluate. And please stop listening to the “but your EGGS! They are degrading with every passing second!!!” It’s two months. Let’s keep a bit of perspective here, and as someone else said, are you sure he’s not asking to wait until then because he is planning to propose? Christmas/NYE is a very popular time to get engaged.

Don’t wait for ever but wait a couple of months. You’ve made it this far and for all you know could be ending the race on the final straight with the finish line in sight.

Or...

He also views it as being long term but has spent 3+ years on his PhD and just needs to get it done so he can move on to the next stage of his life.

Life isn't a Disney film you know.

You think he should sack off his PhD for love? Fucksake.

If he is doing a phd and working he must be under a lot of pressure hence the let’s talk in January.

You can only tell if he is committed to the relationship or not.

That isn’t relevant to this situation unless they got married and had children in the last few months of their PHD. And even then that’s not ideal and must have caused those couples unnecessary stress. The exception doesn’t need to be the rule.

Exactly! A PhD is HUGE. Pretty sure OP would expect her partner to support her if the situation was reversed. I’d be proud of my DH if he was approaching the end of a PhD, not finding things to argue about at every turn to give him unnecessary drama. It’s a few months! You’d think he was asking for a decade.

I’ve not read all the other replies but I’ve got quite a lot of direct or indirect experience dating academics doing PhDs or similar. I’m really not surprised to hear it is all consuming for him. I’d try to be supportive and patient during it, but to be clear things need to change once he isn’t consumed by it anymore, and that he still needs to attempt to prioritise you.

As soon as I read he's finishing his PhD I thought YABU. No wonder he's stressed

Yes, this is odd. If he is serious why can't he discuss it now and tell you that he is serious but I has to get his PhD in and that he understands you're keen but he just needs this few weeks and then he'll be ready to make some more concrete plans for going forward - perhaps with some rough ideas of how that might look?

But he's not, he's just not allowing the discussion to happen and is delaying it. I don't think that bodes well. I would leave him for now and if he's interested post PhD you can give it another shot maybe

If he's busy and stressed and wants to wait until next year then it's a bit nonsensical to try a force a conversation and commitment out of him now. Of course he can't comply with that.

A looming PhD deadline is far more important for him to focus on - it's the culmination of many long years of work, and the gateway to his future career. Juggling it with paid work as well is incredibly demanding. I'm impressed he's making as much time for you as he is, tbh! But if it isn't working for you, of course you should end it, but please do so quietly and cleanly.

To me you come across as someone who doesn't listen, or understand his life, or respect his needs. You don't sound very compatible at all.

People with an affinity for research often have rich inner worlds, and correspondingly less need or ability to focus on others. If you have to be the centre of the universe for your man, then don't pick a deep thinker, as they have entire other worlds to play in.

I really hope he doesn't allow himself to be distracted or coerced by the dramatics of a newish girlfriend in a long-distance relationship!

His priority at the moment is his studies

that’s doesn meant he doesn’t love you but you have to decide is that enough

some partners often play second fiddle to their partner careers but their commitment is shown in other ways this might be your type of relationship but is that enough for you, both of you have to be happy with the relationship and you have to make a choice

I'm another one to say to cut him some slack as your boyfriend is probably very stressed. Also to cut yourself some slack as it's understandable to feel frustrated and to question things.

Only you know how you feel about him and all the positive things about him/your relationship that are worth holding out for. From what you've said it sounds like there's a lot of great things and that it's just managing the next few weeks that are making you question his commitment to you.

As others have said a PhD is a huge commitment & can be very time consuming - it flips between swimming through treacle and a pressured sprint. Getting over the line is exhausting.

If he's managing his studies, a new job and a long distance relationship he'll be under a lot of pressure. He'll be stretched logistically and emotionally. If you can and you think he's worth it then give him the time, space and support to finish his PhD. He'll appreciate your understanding and it will strengthen your relationship in the long run.

If you can fill your time with friends/family and you time and see how you feel in the new year. Maybe use this time to really think about what you need and want longer term.

I'm sure you've got the message by now OP but I agree you need to cut him some slack until he's finished his PhD. Keep yourself busy until he's submitted it. Then suggest a couple of nights away for relaxation and celebration and reassess then.

What do you want from posting numerous times about this relationship (I assume he is also the university lecturer) .. he clearly has a busy teaching career plus studying for his PhD and you are coming across as rather needy and demanding ... what exactly is there to discuss? He's made it clear that he doesn't want to allocate trims to see you until the December trip ... if you seriously can't wait that long and feels he isn't prioritising you 'enough' then leave the relationship.
Making more and more demands isn't going to suddenly make him WANT to spend more time with you ... Haven't you got anything else to focus on in your life apart from your boyfriend?

This is the bigger issue - life beyond the PhD. Early career post PHD posts are notoriously unstable and not well paid in the U.K.

A month doesn't seem that long to me, if you are LD you can't expect to see each other every month 100% of the time.
If Things crop up.