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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To find male colleague's message odd?

180 replies

HorsesnCourses · 27/10/2024 15:18

Am on a CBT course, training to become a counsellor. We have a group chat for course members. A male course member offered to help with an aspect of the course I was struggling with.
I accepted his help, though what initially should have been 10 mins ended up being about an hour, with me trying to wrap it up numerous times. I thanked him for his help, and thought no more about it.

I continued to answer other members' queries or respond to messages on the course group chat over the coming days.

Two days later, out of nowehere, I receive a picture sent to me privately and not to our course group chat, of his and his wife's feet/shoes, with the rest of their bodies cut off (they were sat together), with a message saying his wife has stolen his trainers and is wearing them.

I found this bizarre....the kind of message ment for a friend, and assumed he would reply with a 'oops sorry, that wasn't meant for you' message, but none came. After two days I decided that I would have to reply with something generic, as I didn't want to seem like I was ignoring him or being rude, especially since I was going to see him again soon at a training day.

I just responded with 'Oh dear, hopefully you got them back'.

I found the picture so odd....it made me feel really uncomfortable. I can't imagine a world in which a colleague on a professional course thinks I want to start seeing pictures of him and his wife's shoes/feet, or start messaging about anything other than the course.

In the meantime, on our group chat, lots of us are sharing messages or reaching out about practising on each other (as we have to build up our skills through practising).

A couple of days later he messages me again, privately, and asks how my practising is going, and how many people I have managed to secure to practise on. I wait a couple of days again and then I send once more a really general message, flat in tone, just saying I am fine and building up my practising.

He then suggests I take him on as a practice client. I absolutely do not want to do this, especially since he sent the picture to me.

I told him I won't be practising on any other course members moving forwards, as I want to help others outside the course, and told him I am sure there are plenty of others on the course who would take him on (There are 25+ of us, so no need to ask me).

I feel really awkward about having to say no, and am worried about seeing him at our next training sessio
n.
My boyfriend says his behaviour is odd/inappropriate but nothing bad enough to warrant telling the course leader about. I agree he hasn't actually done anything wrong, but am I being unreasonable to think you shouldn't send a message like that to a female course member you don't know, and then to tell her to take you on as a client? Or am I overreacting?

OP posts:
Hoglet70 · 27/10/2024 15:20

I think you are over thinking it.

TheKhakiBiscuit · 27/10/2024 15:20

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HorsesnCourses · 27/10/2024 15:22

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About 15 years I think

OP posts:
HorsesnCourses · 27/10/2024 15:22

Hoglet70 · 27/10/2024 15:20

I think you are over thinking it.

I am a classic over thinker!

OP posts:
SpanThatWorld · 27/10/2024 15:22

The trainer photo is a bit odd but I can't see any problem in messaging a female course member

morinaga · 27/10/2024 15:22

Oh he sounds like a great fit to give vulnerable people counselling.

TheKhakiBiscuit · 27/10/2024 15:23

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Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 15:23

This could be he’s trying to be friends, I doubt it’s a come on, due to the wife’s feet. But if you don’t wish to be friends fair enough. However cultivating professional friendships can be beneficial

itsmylife7 · 27/10/2024 15:23

He's seeing what he can get away with probably before sending you dick pictures.

Ask yourself why YOU feel embarrassed about not replying to his pathetic pictures and messages?

He's feeling no shame, is he ?
Stop replying to him and stop being NICE to him.

KitsyWitsy · 27/10/2024 15:23

He sounds like a massive oddbod. I think you’re right in staying civil but keeping a distance.

HorsesnCourses · 27/10/2024 15:23

SpanThatWorld · 27/10/2024 15:22

The trainer photo is a bit odd but I can't see any problem in messaging a female course member

It's just that everyone else is asking on the group chat, not privately. I only use the group chat when discussing practice etc. I just find the picture then private messaging odd, but then again I am an over thinker!!

OP posts:
Dragonflysparkles · 27/10/2024 15:24

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Confused
morinaga · 27/10/2024 15:25

He’s probably zeroed in that you are an anxious type and therefore easier game for him.

itsmylife7 · 27/10/2024 15:25

SpanThatWorld · 27/10/2024 15:22

The trainer photo is a bit odd but I can't see any problem in messaging a female course member

Privately and not in the general chat, you can't see the issue?

TheFluentReader · 27/10/2024 15:26

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HorsesnCourses · 27/10/2024 15:26

itsmylife7 · 27/10/2024 15:25

Privately and not in the general chat, you can't see the issue?

Thank you for getting it!! There is absolutely no reason for him to message me privately

OP posts:
HorsesnCourses · 27/10/2024 15:27

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Definitely wasn't me! But if someone else posted about this exact issue, please link it, as I want to read it. Perhaps he has done this to another course member and they too have sought help on here?

OP posts:
craftysnake · 27/10/2024 15:27

Just tell him you’d prefer to message on the main chat

redtrain123 · 27/10/2024 15:28

I think you’ve responded perfectly , ie keeping it neutral. Maybe if he messages again, ask him to message in future on the general webchat etc.

craftysnake · 27/10/2024 15:28

I had this with a follower on social media who always sent me stuff by direct message you could easily have put in the main chat and I said that and it was never a problem

GeorgianaTheodora · 27/10/2024 15:28

He maybe just misjudged a bit. I would think no more of it.

Entertainmentcentral · 27/10/2024 15:29

I would email the lecturer assigned to you about it. Might be something, might be nothing. If she's picking up vibes from others as well, it's important he's scrutinised.

Thevelvelletes · 27/10/2024 15:30

morinaga · 27/10/2024 15:22

Oh he sounds like a great fit to give vulnerable people counselling.

That was my first thought also.
Should this guy be coming into contact with vulnerable people especially women.

YellowRoom · 27/10/2024 15:32

You are right to have boundaries and this guy is overstepping them. You don't have to be nice to someone because you're on the same course. If it continues i would talk to the course leader if you feel it would help you. And have a think about why you feel you owe this man your time and energy.

Itsmychristmasdress · 27/10/2024 15:33

Asides from a photograph of a poorly landed joke, what else is he supposed to have done wrong?

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