To find male colleague's message odd?

[HorsesnCourses]

Am on a CBT course, training to become a counsellor. We have a group chat for course members. A male course member offered to help with an aspect of the course I was struggling with.
I accepted his help, though what initially should have been 10 mins ended up being about an hour, with me trying to wrap it up numerous times. I thanked him for his help, and thought no more about it.

I continued to answer other members' queries or respond to messages on the course group chat over the coming days.

Two days later, out of nowehere, I receive a picture sent to me privately and not to our course group chat, of his and his wife's feet/shoes, with the rest of their bodies cut off (they were sat together), with a message saying his wife has stolen his trainers and is wearing them.

I found this bizarre....the kind of message ment for a friend, and assumed he would reply with a 'oops sorry, that wasn't meant for you' message, but none came. After two days I decided that I would have to reply with something generic, as I didn't want to seem like I was ignoring him or being rude, especially since I was going to see him again soon at a training day.

I just responded with 'Oh dear, hopefully you got them back'.

I found the picture so odd....it made me feel really uncomfortable. I can't imagine a world in which a colleague on a professional course thinks I want to start seeing pictures of him and his wife's shoes/feet, or start messaging about anything other than the course.

In the meantime, on our group chat, lots of us are sharing messages or reaching out about practising on each other (as we have to build up our skills through practising).

A couple of days later he messages me again, privately, and asks how my practising is going, and how many people I have managed to secure to practise on. I wait a couple of days again and then I send once more a really general message, flat in tone, just saying I am fine and building up my practising.

He then suggests I take him on as a practice client. I absolutely do not want to do this, especially since he sent the picture to me.

I told him I won't be practising on any other course members moving forwards, as I want to help others outside the course, and told him I am sure there are plenty of others on the course who would take him on (There are 25+ of us, so no need to ask me).

I feel really awkward about having to say no, and am worried about seeing him at our next training sessio
n.
My boyfriend says his behaviour is odd/inappropriate but nothing bad enough to warrant telling the course leader about. I agree he hasn't actually done anything wrong, but am I being unreasonable to think you shouldn't send a message like that to a female course member you don't know, and then to tell her to take you on as a client? Or am I overreacting?

You're being deliberately obtuse. The content is odd (a photo of own/ wife's body part) for an opening foray into being social. It is suggestive of boundary pushing. Also, the course is training to work with vulnerable people so he should be more careful.

A meme or a photo of his dog would be totally different.

OP, it could simply be misjudged but I would raise with the course leader. Ask her to say you don't want it made obvious who raised it, or to make a complaint, but to be aware so she can do some general work on boundary keeping if possible.

I don't think you should send someone from a group chat a message unless they have specifically given you their phone number. It's one of the things I hate about these groups. You are essentially giving people your phone number unwillingly.

Yes he is weird OP. I would ignore him in the private messages & only respond to him in the group.

Thanks everyone for your replies; much appreciated.

To those who are saying he is just trying to make friends...There is no need for him to try to be friends with me, we are on a course to become qualified, not to become buddies, so the picture is unnecessary. I have enough friends. We also have a group chat, so again, not necessary to post to me privately.

Posting feet pics doesn't have to signify foot fetish etc, it's just an odd picture to send to someone who you don't know- like forcing familiarity. We aren't friends, and as professionals on a course, he should be conscious that it could be perceived as inappropriate, especially if he wants to work with women in future. I don;t want a male member of the course messaging me privately, many women wouldn't. Some might, but I don't, and yet he has done it a few times now, when it is obvious I am not welcoming of it at all. Surely as a trainee cousellor he should be able to notice my tone is extremely cold and I take days to respond? Why persevere?

Anyway, back to the picture in question

My immediate reaction was one of discomfort... My stomach dropped...those of you who don't think it's that odd, think to yourself: if your boss or senior leader or some guy who started work last week and you've had one conversdation with texted you out of nowehere a pictre of his and his wife's feet, would you think; 'Oh how lovely, Steve is really trying to be my friend'??

Or would you be baffled and think: we are professional colleagues who aren't friends. This seems odd?

Also, ask yourself: if it isn't that odd, do you feel happy to take a picture of your and your partner's feet to send to Jamie in Accounting? Tomorrow? Bearing in mind you are only colleagues? Would you do that? I know I absolutely wouldn't.

Anyway, thanks all. Appreciate these responses!

It's not about thinking someone fancies me- for goodness sake.
Not all women think men fancy us. It isn't about ego.

It's about someone pushing boundaries and not realising it is completely unnecessary to be messaging nonsense privately to someone who clearly is not interested in striking up a friendship. It is about overstepping a mark.

If he doesn't understand that, and is that tone deaf, imagine the issues hhe might run into once he qualifies in future? Especially when working with female clients?

You should have blocked him immediately with zero explanation or could have sent a msg saying msg me in the group chat only, no please or do you mind or if ok. Just always factual .He is a chancer op and women who are too polite are why weirdos like him chance it.

I would raise it with the course leader as he will be working with vulnerable people.

It’s the classic isn’t it. Anyone becoming a counsellor knows they will have access to vulnerable people. Perverts deliberately go in to occupations or voluntary work where they have access to the vulnerable. It’s bloody awful. You owe him nothing.

Thank you- it isn't about thinking someone fancies me, it is about unprofessional, unasked for familiarity. That is unsettling in this context. If it were a female member of the course sending a picture of hers and her partner's feet, I would be similarly weirded out and think WTF?

You are quite entitled to enforce your boundaries by telling him that you would prefer him to message you in the group chat and not to message you privately again.

you don’t need to be aggressive about it just a simple message that states your needs.

his reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know because any normal person would be fine with it even if they privately didn’t quite understand it but if he is a creepy arsehole like you suspect from the feeling you are getting** then he will kick off or react like you are being unreasonable or hysterical etc.

** (and yes we as women do know this feeling so I’m not sure I understand why there has been so many posts which are basically resulting in you thinking you should squash that feeling down to not seem awkward or try to explain and defend it)

As a semi-retired Mother bear I have to say absolutely this. You don't need to apologize. You are keeping it professional.

Absolutely- a funny meme or a pet pic is miles away from a picture of his and his wife's body parts. AutumnalSun is indeed being willfully obtuse, instead of understanding the inappropraite or at best absolutely tone deaf behaviour of a man training to work woth vulnerable people.

I don't think it's bad enough to complain about, but he's trying to get to know you better and it you don't want to hear from him privately you need to say so clearly. As in Please don't send me private messages; I'm happy to interact on the group chat but not elsewhere. Thanks.
If he continues after that, you can ignore him, or block him - if colleagues ask you why, you can tell them. You've done nothing wrong.

I’ve been in lots of very active WhatsApp groups related to courses over the years. It’s weird to randomly PM someone in a group like that without a specific reason, like someone had mentioned in the main chat they couldn’t find x resource so you PM’d it to them.

To me it’s very obvious this guy is sounding OP out, putting the feelers out on whether she’s amenable to a little private chat in the hope it will lead to more. It’s happened to me quite a few times and I’ve seen it happen to friends too. This guy has probably done it to other women in the group.

And if he can’t pick up on OP’s discomfort both now and when she was repeatedly trying to wrap up his attempt to help her, then I don’t think psychotherapy is the right career for him.

He sounds like an absolute creep. I wouldn't have answered him at all. You don't need to 'be polite' or 'be kind' or any other accommodating ways women are 'meant' to be.

He's making you uncomfortable, just ignore him. If he continues report to the course leader. He's definitely in the wrong profession if he thinks this is acceptable behaviour.

And if he can’t pick up on OP’s discomfort both now and when she was repeatedly trying to wrap up his attempt to help her, then I don’t think psychotherapy is the right career for him.

he might not but if the op’s feelings are right he likely does know but doesn’t actually care because it doesn’t gel with his wants.

It's the fact he just dropped the pic in with no commentary or relevance to anything they were talking about. It's just forcing a level of familiarity that isn't there and then ignoring the weirdness of it.

Counselling courses will have just as many odd balls and pervy people on them as the general public. And one of the only way for them to be weeded out is to be challenged and on the course by their peers.

Blimey OP don't think you're overthinking at all. In fact I'm shocked at the number of posters who think it's ok!!!

And there's no need to worry about appearing rude and not answering! He didn't give a fuck when he was rude to you, slipping into your DMs a picture of him and his wife's feet! I mean what the actual fuck!

I read some thread some threads on here and I'm always baffled at the "Is he being abusive threads", when after one sentence you can tell he is. I wonder who these women are, but after reading some of the replies to your OP it seems less bewildering!

Sone women just put up with any shit!

I think you have a duty to report him. He shouldn't be working with vulnerable people and he should not be sending photos of his feet to people like that. It's completely out of order.

This!

You're definitely not BU!

He’s training to be a counsellor too yeah?

if so, inappropriate and already showing signs he does not understand boundaries.

maybe a few months into a longer course and you’d become friends etc but not early days on this type of course

Think very carefully back to your conversation
Was there anything relevant to it in your conversation?
I ask because of a similar situation in a work environment. Internal training course in big company, lots of people who hadn’t met before.
Get a complaint from a female a month afterwards as a male - who she had sat next to in the course - sent her a photo of a cosy log cabin saying “would you like to stay in this”
Takes it as a sexual comment, is upset that her number was taken from a WhatsApp group and reports it.
Full investigation. Man is mortified and so apologetic. Turns out they had briefly discussed Christmas and woman had said one day she wanted to take her kids to Lapland but it was so expensive . The cabin was from there and the link on the photo - which the woman hadn’t clicked on - was a big sale to trips to Finland for families. He genuinely thought he was helping.
Woman remembered the conversation, withdrew allegation and asked us to apologise to the man for the misunderstanding.
Context is everything
Was there anything said about people borrowing things, jokes made about people not returning things etc?
It might have been something he thought you would find funny

This! I wouldn't have responded at all - you're not obliged to respond!

That poor guy sending the link to that woman!

We had no conversation related to the feet or shoes at all. Absolutely nothing. We went over tech issues related ot my laptop, that was it.

Even during the call when the guy was helping me, my boyfriend in the background was getting increasingly irate as he could hear me telling him 'Ok, great...thanks, we will sort that this end now; thanks so much for your time, my boyfriend is home now, so he can also help'....and him saying 'Let's just look at something else to make sure it isn't that causing issues'.

Apparently I tried to wrap it up 4 or 5 times, quite obviously, to my boyfriend, who said afterwards 'Omg I wanted to tell him to f off and let you get off the call, it was that bad, plus he was drawing it out by talking so f-ing slowly.'

Nothing in our conversation had been at all related to anything else, most definitely not trainers or feet, or even his wife!

Ignore all the posters telling you it's harmless. Listen to your gut. Is he doing the same training as you? If so, he should know that you absolutely could NEVER "practise" on a colleague or a friend outside of what is done on the course. Absolutely ridiculous.

Steer clear.

For all those who are excusing his behaviour and ignoring the OPs gut reaction - thank god you have never experienced the horrific feeling of realising that you should have listened to those instincts in the first place. It's truly awful.

I really wish I hadn't, and hate the people pleasing part of myself that dreaded (and really still dreads now) the friction/awkwardness when we meet up. Engineered by him, not me.

It was obvious I didn't want to speak with him or interact in any way at all and then he still kept messaging, then recommending me take him on as a client...so I would have to see him every week.

Why wasn't he posting that in our active group chat, so he could get more takers? Where people are asking about that? Why ask me, someone who has made it clear I am not interested in chatting? This is what is making me increasingly annoyed now I think about it.

Was he hoping I would feel obliged to say yes because he had helped me, despite me clearly showing him I wasn't comfortable chatting or being familiar? My boyfriend said absolutely he was, and probably thought I would just say yes out of not wanting to seem rude.