To find male colleague's message odd?

[HorsesnCourses]

Am on a CBT course, training to become a counsellor. We have a group chat for course members. A male course member offered to help with an aspect of the course I was struggling with.
I accepted his help, though what initially should have been 10 mins ended up being about an hour, with me trying to wrap it up numerous times. I thanked him for his help, and thought no more about it.

I continued to answer other members' queries or respond to messages on the course group chat over the coming days.

Two days later, out of nowehere, I receive a picture sent to me privately and not to our course group chat, of his and his wife's feet/shoes, with the rest of their bodies cut off (they were sat together), with a message saying his wife has stolen his trainers and is wearing them.

I found this bizarre....the kind of message ment for a friend, and assumed he would reply with a 'oops sorry, that wasn't meant for you' message, but none came. After two days I decided that I would have to reply with something generic, as I didn't want to seem like I was ignoring him or being rude, especially since I was going to see him again soon at a training day.

I just responded with 'Oh dear, hopefully you got them back'.

I found the picture so odd....it made me feel really uncomfortable. I can't imagine a world in which a colleague on a professional course thinks I want to start seeing pictures of him and his wife's shoes/feet, or start messaging about anything other than the course.

In the meantime, on our group chat, lots of us are sharing messages or reaching out about practising on each other (as we have to build up our skills through practising).

A couple of days later he messages me again, privately, and asks how my practising is going, and how many people I have managed to secure to practise on. I wait a couple of days again and then I send once more a really general message, flat in tone, just saying I am fine and building up my practising.

He then suggests I take him on as a practice client. I absolutely do not want to do this, especially since he sent the picture to me.

I told him I won't be practising on any other course members moving forwards, as I want to help others outside the course, and told him I am sure there are plenty of others on the course who would take him on (There are 25+ of us, so no need to ask me).

I feel really awkward about having to say no, and am worried about seeing him at our next training sessio
n.
My boyfriend says his behaviour is odd/inappropriate but nothing bad enough to warrant telling the course leader about. I agree he hasn't actually done anything wrong, but am I being unreasonable to think you shouldn't send a message like that to a female course member you don't know, and then to tell her to take you on as a client? Or am I overreacting?

It sounds odd, but I wonder if he's messaging other students on the programme? and part of what you're worrying about is based on an assumption that he's only messaging you, at least about the practise sessions anyway? The feet/shoes thing is odd but might have been meant as an ice breaker - kind of a look I'm married I'm not a threat, here's an innocuous picture of me and my wife, can we mesage outside the group type of thing. To see if you'd respond ....

In any event, you could just delete his private messages or tell him directly that you'd prefer to keep to the group chat instead of DM'ing. That it's important with what you're both training for, you can set boundaries around professional relationships

He is trying to connect with you. Either as a friend or - who knows- as something more. Many people seek to make friends on a training course, it’s not weird to want to do that. You’re entitled to not want to. And there is zero obligation to. But to immediately conclude he is predatory or inappropriate is unfair.

You could deal with his unwanted approach in a clear, mature and sensitive way. Just because he is a counselling student does not mean he can’t try to make friends.

Absolutely. I’ve always admired my therapists’ ability to tactfully draw a session to a close, especially when it can involve stepping back from some traumatic stuff, and leaving the client in a place where they can go and continue their day, and don’t feel abandoned with difficult thoughts. For sure, maintaining boundaries, and ending a session on time, even with a reluctant, difficult client who keeps talking, is a key skill.

Stop replying.
I had similar nothing inappropriate but just odd. Never replied when I still got the odd message blocked

I don't see any issue at all. I would advise against reporting it because it may not go down well at all, there is nothing inappropriate in the messages so it may raise concerns about you more than him.
He might feel you have built a friendship, which really isn't an unusual to happen during a course. If something similar happened to you with an actual clinet you would be expected to set boundaries yourself, not report them. If you don't want to be friends you could just tell him that you would rather not message each other outside of the group chat.

Your mistake was replying to the first text.
Should have ignored.

Just because domeone texts you you don't have to reply. Hasn't got you anywhere you just get deeper into it and you have

Next time you get an unwanted message don't respond.

Why oh why did you worry about being rude?

We all need to stop pandering and accepting this shit from men just so we don't seem rude!!

if your course leader is at all competent, they will NOT agree that its harmless.

This absolutely.
I can't believe some posters honestly think this is simply innocent or misguided. He knows exactly what he is doing. I bet he isn't sending middle aged Bob or elderly Mavis foot pictures.

Oh and somehow this is all OPs fault for "leading him on" by responding.

We don’t know that he isn’t. Or whatever about the photo, we don’t know that he hasn’t individually asked several other members of the group to pair up as practice.

I think the bigger issue is that you are doing a CBT course while training to be a counsellor. Counsellors' training doesn't have involved CBT. CBT is a skill learn by psychologist, psychotherapists and CBT practitioners among some other professions, but not counsellors

Also, when you practice the skills, it is not to 'help' people. You don't help your friends and family, and absolutely should not do so, by practising the skills on the course with them.

It sounds like a strange course.

It's not odd it weird who sends pictures of feet to anyone unless they have a foot fetish! Would defo swerve this guy. And maybe block him on any private adrress/app you use. Then he can only contact you on the group app. Would also ask any of the other trainees if they had received any contact from him.

I never said he was predatory- I said I found his message (of him and his wife's trainers) odd. Because I did find it odd. So leftfield and unconnected to anything. That was what my original post was all about- am I unreasonable to find an unnecessary and over familar picture odd.....I wasn't asking if he was predatory. I never said he was.

This is true! Thank you!!
Funnily enough though, so many on here seem to think I should be ok with this as he is only trying to 'make friends' or 'connect', despite them ignoring the really ofdd way in which he is trying to be friendly....hence me making this post.

If he just sent a simple message sayig : 'Hey, hope all is well. Just in case you would be looking for clients in the future to practice on, I am available', I wouldn't ever have made this post. That would be normal communication, leaving me free to just respond with a thnaks but no thanks.....

There was absolutely no need for a pic of trainers and the odd info about his being stolen by his wife to wear in the picture.

I'd be surprised if anyone on this thread would engage in friendly messaging by sending a picture like that, when simply a normal message woud have sufficed!

There is another detail I am leaving out unfortunately, as it would be too outing, which adds to things being off about him. As said by others, it's everything added up that creates this oddness, not just one thing.

My partner and my parents/familyare all extremely weirded out by all the interactions and messages I have received from this guy- they have seen all of them.
I have tried to say to them, but what if he's just naive and I am being over analytical? And all of them, especially the males in my family have said this is NOT normal behaviour and they would never send such a message to a woman they don't know that well, let alone a female friend, as it is just odd in their opinion.

It is very clear we do not have a friendship, and was clear from the outset. We have barely spoken; there is no friendship. That is why the picture and the follwing texts were so unusual.

Thank you- am taking this on board and agree to see this as good practice.
Luckily you raised the issue and then that person's behaviour could be brought to light.
I too wonder if any other course members are being messaged similarly.
When other course members message me privately, it has been a request, or sending a link to help with something mentioned previously...all completely normal, and nothing that has made me feel 'off'.

Only this guy's messages do.

YES!

You don’t know that for sure. People might also be asking privately. It’s just he’s the only one who has asked you privately. Private chats (and questions) are certainly done on the courses I’ve done (and there would also be a group chat).
If you don’t feel comfortable with private chats /questions you should just have said you want to keep all chats on the group chat. I think you need to learn to voice what you’re seeing in a factual way without filling in any blanks and you need to learn to voice your own feelings in a factual way. Isn’t that what you’re also going to have to do as a counsellor? You should have said, I’m not sure why you sent me a picture of your wife’s feet, instead of waiting 2 days, and: I’m surprised you’re asking me this privately when everyone seems to be arranging this on the group chat.
I think you have now put yourself in a VERY awkward situation by saying you won’t practise on course members. It sounds a bit patronising and unfair, because you’re there to learn from each other and help each other. If you don’t feel comfortable working with him because you feel he is sending inappropriate messages, you should clear the air about that. See this is a good learning curve for later, how are you going to deal with a client who crosses client -counsellor boundaries? Are you going to shut them off in the same way? Or are you going to point out that you would like it to remain professional?
it sounds like you still have a lot of learning to do about how to set your boundaries and maintain them in a client friendly way.

Definitely. What is with people that they scrutinise every interaction looking to jump to the worse possible conclusion and then even worse act on it?

How strange. I think he sounds creepy. It's almost like the photo was him saying "don't worry you're safe with me, I have a wife" but then acts creepy! Stay away

I'd find him a bit creepy. And agree with crafty snake that you'd prefer to message on the main chat.

One of the main things you need to learn being a counsellor is surely to have clear professional boundaries and to be able to say no to anyone making you feel uncomfortable or behaving inappropriately, to choose carefully who you take on as a client and to know when to stop helping someone.

Who cares what this dick thinks/feels/wants? Counselling isn't about "Be Nice". Ignore him and get on with the course.

Trust your gut.
Stop being nice- he will abuse that
Stop answering on DMs
Again, Trust Your Gut

I don’t think you are overthinking.
you’re noticing things, picking up on patterns - a sign of a good counsellor.