To find male colleague's message odd?

[HorsesnCourses]

Am on a CBT course, training to become a counsellor. We have a group chat for course members. A male course member offered to help with an aspect of the course I was struggling with.
I accepted his help, though what initially should have been 10 mins ended up being about an hour, with me trying to wrap it up numerous times. I thanked him for his help, and thought no more about it.

I continued to answer other members' queries or respond to messages on the course group chat over the coming days.

Two days later, out of nowehere, I receive a picture sent to me privately and not to our course group chat, of his and his wife's feet/shoes, with the rest of their bodies cut off (they were sat together), with a message saying his wife has stolen his trainers and is wearing them.

I found this bizarre....the kind of message ment for a friend, and assumed he would reply with a 'oops sorry, that wasn't meant for you' message, but none came. After two days I decided that I would have to reply with something generic, as I didn't want to seem like I was ignoring him or being rude, especially since I was going to see him again soon at a training day.

I just responded with 'Oh dear, hopefully you got them back'.

I found the picture so odd....it made me feel really uncomfortable. I can't imagine a world in which a colleague on a professional course thinks I want to start seeing pictures of him and his wife's shoes/feet, or start messaging about anything other than the course.

In the meantime, on our group chat, lots of us are sharing messages or reaching out about practising on each other (as we have to build up our skills through practising).

A couple of days later he messages me again, privately, and asks how my practising is going, and how many people I have managed to secure to practise on. I wait a couple of days again and then I send once more a really general message, flat in tone, just saying I am fine and building up my practising.

He then suggests I take him on as a practice client. I absolutely do not want to do this, especially since he sent the picture to me.

I told him I won't be practising on any other course members moving forwards, as I want to help others outside the course, and told him I am sure there are plenty of others on the course who would take him on (There are 25+ of us, so no need to ask me).

I feel really awkward about having to say no, and am worried about seeing him at our next training sessio
n.
My boyfriend says his behaviour is odd/inappropriate but nothing bad enough to warrant telling the course leader about. I agree he hasn't actually done anything wrong, but am I being unreasonable to think you shouldn't send a message like that to a female course member you don't know, and then to tell her to take you on as a client? Or am I overreacting?

OP this has shown that both of you have some personal training to do.

One, he doesn't seem like someone who can be trusted around vulnerable people if he decides he likes them. From all the incidents you've mentioned, I'd speak to your leader about it all as one on its own may not seem as bad as all of them put together - it's clearly a pattern of him trying to get your attention. It's inappropriate for many reasons.

Two, you're going to have to learn to be assertive and undo your people-pleasing habit. It's a skill you'll need as a would-be counsellor because you're going to come across a lot of characters, both fellow counsellors and patients. You'll have to be able to assert your boundaries, your thoughts and feelings, kind but firm, strictly and justly, not just showing them you're uncomfortable or sending hints and hoping they catch it. Some don't get hints and the unscrupulous ones do but won't care. So you'll need to use this guy as your first lesson to directly, firmly and professionally tell him to fuck off and leave you alone unless in the group chat and for relevant professional issues. He wants to be your practice patient - great, practice 'non-people pleasing' on him.

I am taking this on board, as yes, I most definitely need to practise strengthening my boundaries, especially since clients may well try to overstep them

I wonder how many pics and dms he is sending to the older male gentlemen on the course 🤨

He is 100% testing the waters to see how much familiarity he can get away with, and casually signalling that he has a wife in the service of later plausible deniability is a tactic as old as the hills. Anyone who can't see this is bring extremely naive.

That’s silly. He sent her a phot of feet and then asked if she’d take him on as a client. Mildly odd, but zero evidence of any form of abusive intent.

You aren't professional colleagues, you're fellow students.

"There is no need for him to try to be friends with me, we are on a course to become qualified, not to become buddies"
So you never made any friends at school, uni or work? My best friend I met on a level 2 counselling course, and I made several others on my level 3, one which has endured for over a decade.

I have no idea if he's trying to be friendly or trying to seduce you into a threesome, but I do think there's an equal level of "you problem" as "him problem "

I would let the course leader know and let them decide what’s best with this guy. Presumably they have enough experience to deal with it. And going forward ignore any DMs. Nothing course-related needs to be said in private so anyone trying that route is already acting inappropriately. As a PP mentioned, I bet he’s not DMing Old Bill from class.

He sent me a picture of his and his wife's feet out of nowehere....not a meme or some other friendly text. C'mon, now. When was the last time you texted a picture of your and your partner's feet by way of making friends, when you had only spoken briefly, and in a very professional tone before that?

And when you first started talking with your now friends on the counselling courses, was the first thing you thought of by way of communication was to text a picture of a body part?

I highly doubt it.

That's not how most friendships organically start, is it?
And if one of those said friends texted you her/his feet after one proper conversation (related to tech issues) would you not find that....just a little bit odd?

Considering most people usually just text to ask how things are going, or if you've had any other tech issues etc or anything related to what the conversation was before?

But hey you, do you, if you think texting body parts by way of making friends is ok on a counselling course!

Of course people can make friends on courses, I’ve made lots, but none has started off with photos of feet. Usually a rapport is built first where it’s established that both people have a mutual interest in one another. That naturally progresses into chatting privately and meeting up for a study session or a coffee or whatever. It doesn’t start off by inflicting forced familiarity that is clearly unreciprocated and behaving in a way that is clearly making the other person feel uncomfortable.

This is what I am thinking- he could always say if the course leader spoke to him about it: 'But my wife is in the picture and it's of our feet, not a dick pic...it's perfectly harmless to send feet pics, just a bit of fun', to make him look like he's not being weird at all.
Then it makes me look like I am overreacting, but what person sends that type of picture? I can't think of any reason to send it to someone I have just met on a course.

He really isn’t behaving in a way suitable for a counsellor. Definitely, without question, tell your course tutor. His boundaries are off, he has made you feel uncomfortable several times. Don’t collude via silence.

also agree entirely with the suggestion that you only respond in group chat from now on.
Sending private messaged unsolicited photo of body parts…..no, just, no.
sorry this happened to you, tone deaf ( at best) twat causes stress to polite female……again.

It’s certainly…odd.
Unfortunately, the caring professions can attract some very peculiar people. A family member is in such a profession, and is currently having issue with someone on their team who’s behaviour is becoming increasingly worrying, and who probably should have been filtered out at a much earlier stage. I think it’s worth speaking to your course leader in case it escalates, for all you know he may also be overstepping normal boundaries with others on your course.

Can't believe how many 'you're overthinking it, what's the problem?' type responses there are. This guy is training to be a counsellor, he should be super sensitive to how he comes across! Mention it to the course leader OP. They will know that this happens but it helps if they're aware of this tendency with particular men individuals

Look, people are weird. Counsellors can be just as weird as anyone else. As you are discovering.

It’s perfectly possible he thought the photo was mildly funny, or that sending it to you was a mistake, but not one he thought was so embarrassing or odd he needed to delete or apologise, because he assumed you’d find it mildly funny too. Having had some interaction one on one when he helped you with something you were struggling with, it may be that he thought you got on, and that therefore you might want him as a practice client. If all your class are currently practicing on one another, it’s not a weird request.

Respectfully, OP, if you’re going to practice as a counsellor, you’re going to have to toughen up and be more boundaried about wrapping things up, or closing down situations you’re not comfortable with. Not all clients will be easy people to deal with.

My sister and two close friends are counsellors, and all have had to deal with difficult client situations. My sister had a client video call her as she made a suicide attempt. My friend who is a couples counsellor had someone completely lose it in a one on one session and start trashing the room and this client then raised an official complaint with the accrediting body as she said my friend had said inappropriate things about her parenting.

It can be a challenging job, and you’re going to have to figure out a way of dealing with far more problematic stuff than this.

Can't believe people think this is a non issue. It's totally inappropriate. He's going to have access to vulnerable people !

Please let your course leaders know asap.

I agree that it's odd that he sent you such an image, and message, at random. As you say, it feels like part of a conversation that's already begun, rather than an opening gambit. Why would you care that his wife's wearing his shoes?

As such, I also think it's odd that so many posters here are talking about "body parts" when (if I understand correctly) he's sent a picture of two pairs of shoes. It seems much more likely to me that he thinks you've shared some joke or comment or thought about trainers which he is referring to.

I think it's a leap to be certain, as some posters here seem to be, that this is "warming you up" for a dick pic. I have had many encounters with men behaving in an awkward or socially inept manner in my life. I have never been sent a dick pic.

It's always a younger woman these men target - I bet any similar aged men on the course haven't been sent a foot pic 🙄

Speak to the course leader about it and say it may be nothing but he's made you uncomfortable and you wanted to flag it in case any of the other ladies in the group were getting similar unwanted attention.

Put his message in the group chat asking you to be his partner and say "Bob has asked me to team up on this, but I am already sorted, I figured you guys may be able to help him instead?"

That way, it's all out in the open and if he has been approaching other women in the group they'll get a heads up.

And the OP, when she practices, is going to have to deal with far more challenging situations, with clients whose vulnerability may express itself in aggression or infringing on professional boundaries. She needs to learn to deal with these.

Yes and she will have to manage weird shit from patients but she should not have to deal with weird shit from fellow counsellors.

This is great advice.

By the way @HorsesnCourses , when I commented earlier that I wouldn't have responded, it wasn't a criticism, just saying that it is ok to ignore these things & not feel obliged to respond!

Well done for setting out your boundaries now.

This.
And keep it cool

I have never , ever been sent pictures of anyone’s feet!

I’m quite an untrusting person so would find this very uncomfortable.

Sadly, some really inappropriate people manage to get themselves accepted on counselling courses. Listen with your inner ear. Is this man odd/weird? He certainly sounds so. Probably, in the end, if your course tutors & management committee are doing their job properly, he'll get thrown off the course.
You don't need to wait for that.

A lot of good replies already which will be helpful.

Just to flag your reference to 'over-thinking', you are developing your self awareness and hopefully trust in your judgement. Listen to your self and look after yourself. Being comfortable with the term over-thinking may suggest being used to being shut down or criticised for displaying sensitivity in childhood, either way it's not the kindest term to use about yourself or anyone else.

Boundaries and clarity.

Definitely notify tutors, you may not be the only course member he's messaging.