To find male colleague's message odd?

[HorsesnCourses]

Am on a CBT course, training to become a counsellor. We have a group chat for course members. A male course member offered to help with an aspect of the course I was struggling with.
I accepted his help, though what initially should have been 10 mins ended up being about an hour, with me trying to wrap it up numerous times. I thanked him for his help, and thought no more about it.

I continued to answer other members' queries or respond to messages on the course group chat over the coming days.

Two days later, out of nowehere, I receive a picture sent to me privately and not to our course group chat, of his and his wife's feet/shoes, with the rest of their bodies cut off (they were sat together), with a message saying his wife has stolen his trainers and is wearing them.

I found this bizarre....the kind of message ment for a friend, and assumed he would reply with a 'oops sorry, that wasn't meant for you' message, but none came. After two days I decided that I would have to reply with something generic, as I didn't want to seem like I was ignoring him or being rude, especially since I was going to see him again soon at a training day.

I just responded with 'Oh dear, hopefully you got them back'.

I found the picture so odd....it made me feel really uncomfortable. I can't imagine a world in which a colleague on a professional course thinks I want to start seeing pictures of him and his wife's shoes/feet, or start messaging about anything other than the course.

In the meantime, on our group chat, lots of us are sharing messages or reaching out about practising on each other (as we have to build up our skills through practising).

A couple of days later he messages me again, privately, and asks how my practising is going, and how many people I have managed to secure to practise on. I wait a couple of days again and then I send once more a really general message, flat in tone, just saying I am fine and building up my practising.

He then suggests I take him on as a practice client. I absolutely do not want to do this, especially since he sent the picture to me.

I told him I won't be practising on any other course members moving forwards, as I want to help others outside the course, and told him I am sure there are plenty of others on the course who would take him on (There are 25+ of us, so no need to ask me).

I feel really awkward about having to say no, and am worried about seeing him at our next training sessio
n.
My boyfriend says his behaviour is odd/inappropriate but nothing bad enough to warrant telling the course leader about. I agree he hasn't actually done anything wrong, but am I being unreasonable to think you shouldn't send a message like that to a female course member you don't know, and then to tell her to take you on as a client? Or am I overreacting?

You're training to be a counsellor so I think you need to work on closing down the conversation quicker. Also it seems like he's struggling socially...again you are going to encounter a lot of people who struggle socially. He's done an odd thing...so what? There are lots of people out there that do odd things. It seems harmless. Stick to your boundaries.

It’s one thing to deal with off behaviour from a future patient/client, it’s another to be facing it from someone also training to be a counsellor.

I do think you need to speak to your tutor. Firstly he's pushing at boundaries and as a counsellor he shouldn't be doing this, and secondly you need to have strategies to be able to identify this and shut him down.

I think before you speak to someone about him speak to him directly and just say to message you in the group chat in the future and you don't accept private messages from colleagues.

Then see how he acts from then. Anything else, then speak to the person in charge of both of you in training.

I agree, it's a head scratcher but the message should do it if he was trying anything or if it was some sort of accident that he decided not to mention.

haven't RTFT but I don't think you are overthinking and do think you should be mentioning it to the course leader. You are obviously a strong person who can deal with this but this man is training to go into practice with vulnerable clients.

haven't RTFT

It’s only three pages long!

The shoe thing is odd. I can't read the meaning of that as it's not the usual angle men who want to progress to impropriety go for. He's definitely up to something where you're concerned. Prolonging the help, asking you to practise on him ...maybe he's just an odd 'un. Personally I don't see anything requiring reporting provided it doesn't escalate. You've handled him perefectly so far.

THIS

Sounds like he’s got some kind of weird foot fetish to me! Either that or fancies you but is very socially awkward and is trying desperately to think of things to talk about with you and how to get your attention. He seems odd and if the messages continue, can you report it to the course leader? He seems creepy and shouldn’t be training as a therapist. As pp said, don’t respond to any messages sent outside of the group chat either.

Wrong, wrong, wrong!

Very frightening that he is violating a group contract that I'm assuming the group has set up ... it would be the norm in counselling training .

He has no reason to send personal messsges .

This is a good test of your boundaries as a trainee counsellor . You should have relayed your discomfort immediately to him ... used immediacy.

Going forward you need stronger boundaries. If he private messages again even if it is course related you have a good opportunity to reinforce your boundaries... telling him that you want No private messages from him given the nature of the inappropriate message he sent you .

You do not need to tell him how this made you feel ( he's not your therapist ) . He knew exactly what he was doing . He is a walking red flag in therapy !

After two days I decided that I would have to reply with something generic, as I didn't want to seem like I was ignoring him or being rude

Why not? Being rude is an important life skill. You don't want this guy's attention, his attention is making you uncomfortable. A little bit of rudeness (and let's be fair, not replying to a message you didn't ask for can barely be classed as rude), might head off that attention before it escalated and a lot more rudeness is needed.

The picture involving his wife was a door opener. ‘Oh he has a wife he isn’t a pervert’

but in reality he is a dog and it’s an old tactic.

Dont reply to any of his messages going forward.

Men like that enjoy making women feel uncomfortable, it's a power play.

He's doing enough to make you question yourself but not enough to easily put your finger on what he's doing wrong.

The evidence for that is in this thread, so many women defending him and questioning you as if you're the crazy one!

Shut him down definitively, no more dms or photos. He'll act all innocent but ignore him.

People here are so faux naive.

If he wants someone to practise on or "be" practised on, then put it in the fucking group chat.

"Just fyi I'm available 3 nights a week if anyone wants to practise on me"
"Would anyone have any time available next week? I need to brush up on xyz skills and happy to return the favour"

That is professional. He will be a terrible therapist if he doesn't understand these basic boundaries.

OP tell him to put a call out to the group. If he doesn't, or whines to you that he's got no responses and pushes you again, you need to approach the course leader.

I do understand that it's a bit weird. He has chosen to include his wife in the jokey picture tho, so I would say he is more trying to make friends than staff anything romantic/sexual with you. (I could be wrong, of course).

While I see why he has crossed a line a little, to me there is nothing bad enough here to actually warrant reporting him to the course leader. You have wisely shut it down by responding fairly coldly and professionally - hopefully that will be the end of it.

If unsolicited private messages from him continue, at that point I would consider reporting it. But I think at this stage it would be excessive, as he hasn't done anything that bad.

Just stay alert. Hopefully it is resolved now and you don't hear anything more.

“Hi Dick, I’d prefer it if you kept the messages to the group chat. Thanks”

And yes you should speak to the course tutor about this. A session or two on boundaries appears to be in order. You both seem to have an issue with them - yours especially, as you seem to have a problem shutting down something you feel uncomfortable with, which doesn’t bode well for when you’re dealing with real clients.

Any of those things on its own (except the request to practice) could probably be dismissed as a mistake but all of them together definitely say he's pushing boundaries.

When you're on this sort of course boundaries should be set in stone. He either knows what he's doing it he's massively tone-deaf. Either does not bode well for potential clients.

It might be simply that he's trying to form connections and friendships. I see nothing remotely perv like in anything he's done and I'm super suspicious of pretty much everyone.

This.

He’s more than odd.
He is fishing.
I would tell your tutor.

Gosh. I’m amazed so many people don’t recognise this modus operandi.

It’s absolutely classic. Puts you on the wrong foot feeling obliged to pander to him, letting him further in that you should because he’s making you feel rude for backing away.

It’s the equivalent of the sales tactic where you put something into someone hand so they’ll find it hard to say know. Probing the boundaries to see where there’s a weakness.

And yes, tell the course leader- it probably isn’t just you. He needs to know that it’s inappropriate to private message women instead of using the group chat.

I had to complain about a chap being handsy last week. Not sexually, just left me feeling like a pet rabbit or a therapy dog. Totally inappropriate and unprofessional.

Some of these replies are absolutely bonkers!!

I hope none of these posters are on my course because I’m definitely going to be seen as a dirty old pervert who shouldn’t be practicing the profession I’m training for, simply because I privately messaged someone of the opposite sex.

He could absolutely be a dirty old pervert with a foot fetish, who only did this course as a way to get in close contact with vulnerable women 🙄

Or more likely, he’s just trying to make friends.

If you are uncomfortable with making friends with any of them or just this particular man, then either completely ignore the message or just say you only want to talk on the group chat.

It's nothing worth reporting but it's quite odd. Maybe he's just trying to be friendly and getting it wrong. I'd keep doing what you are doing, delayed flat replies.