To find male colleague's message odd?

[HorsesnCourses]

Am on a CBT course, training to become a counsellor. We have a group chat for course members. A male course member offered to help with an aspect of the course I was struggling with.
I accepted his help, though what initially should have been 10 mins ended up being about an hour, with me trying to wrap it up numerous times. I thanked him for his help, and thought no more about it.

I continued to answer other members' queries or respond to messages on the course group chat over the coming days.

Two days later, out of nowehere, I receive a picture sent to me privately and not to our course group chat, of his and his wife's feet/shoes, with the rest of their bodies cut off (they were sat together), with a message saying his wife has stolen his trainers and is wearing them.

I found this bizarre....the kind of message ment for a friend, and assumed he would reply with a 'oops sorry, that wasn't meant for you' message, but none came. After two days I decided that I would have to reply with something generic, as I didn't want to seem like I was ignoring him or being rude, especially since I was going to see him again soon at a training day.

I just responded with 'Oh dear, hopefully you got them back'.

I found the picture so odd....it made me feel really uncomfortable. I can't imagine a world in which a colleague on a professional course thinks I want to start seeing pictures of him and his wife's shoes/feet, or start messaging about anything other than the course.

In the meantime, on our group chat, lots of us are sharing messages or reaching out about practising on each other (as we have to build up our skills through practising).

A couple of days later he messages me again, privately, and asks how my practising is going, and how many people I have managed to secure to practise on. I wait a couple of days again and then I send once more a really general message, flat in tone, just saying I am fine and building up my practising.

He then suggests I take him on as a practice client. I absolutely do not want to do this, especially since he sent the picture to me.

I told him I won't be practising on any other course members moving forwards, as I want to help others outside the course, and told him I am sure there are plenty of others on the course who would take him on (There are 25+ of us, so no need to ask me).

I feel really awkward about having to say no, and am worried about seeing him at our next training sessio
n.
My boyfriend says his behaviour is odd/inappropriate but nothing bad enough to warrant telling the course leader about. I agree he hasn't actually done anything wrong, but am I being unreasonable to think you shouldn't send a message like that to a female course member you don't know, and then to tell her to take you on as a client? Or am I overreacting?

Do not get into any further conversations privately. If he messages again, reply with 'I appreciate you are trying to be friendly but I would prefer that we only communicate on the group message boards.' End of. No further private conversation.

I would post this on the main board.

'It's come to my attention that one of the areas of self-development I should be working on is firmer boundaries. So I won't be accepting any further DMs on this board. Happy to continue interactions here on the main board.'

If you are particularly bold, you could add

'I suggest that others do the same, especially if anyone is feeling unsettled by unsolicited private messages.'

It's about someone pushing boundaries and not realising it is completely unnecessary to be messaging nonsense privately to someone who clearly is not interested in striking up a friendship. It is about overstepping a mark.
If he doesn't understand that, and is that tone deaf, imagine the issues hhe might run into once he qualifies in future? Especially when working with female clients?

I completely get it @HorsesnCourses , and that was my first thought on reading your OP. He’s being pushy and strange, and that is not professional behaviour, and he either doesn’t understand that or he’s deliberately being a creep. Both scenarios are worrying when he’ll be working alone with vulnerable people.

As for your responses to him, you’d benefit from working on your “people pleasing” tendencies. I detest that term because it sounds like “being a kind and lovely person”, which it isn’t. It means not having the ability to stand up to people who want to walk all over you, unnecessarily and to your detriment, and it affects your family and friends too.

”Group messages only please Steve” would have been a perfectly fine message. He’s your colleague not your friend. The best response to the weird photo would have been none, and then if he tried it again, “pack it in Steve, don’t send me PMs”.

Either an awful lot of people are shockingly naive, or it’s the typical AIBU pattern of some posters strenuously being devil’s advocate, even if it means going to extreme lengths to give someone the benefit of the doubt when their behaviour is obviously very off.

Counsellors are no less likely to be weird/difficult colleagues than anyone in other fields. She will need to manage those relationships just as she will need to manage inappropriate behaviour from clients.

Please don't do this

Counsellors are supposed to meet standards of behaviour. Its not ok for them to be weird or creepy.

''4.1 You must keep high standards of personal conduct, as well as conduct in practice. You should be aware that poor conduct outside of your practice may affect someone’s confidence in you, your practice, or BABCP.''
https://babcp.com/Standards

Don’t be polite. You don’t need to this man to like you. Don’t respond at all to messages like that. It’s weird and inappropriate. He doesn’t need to feel like he can keep sending you messages and photos. I agree that this is a warm up to a dick pic.

I'm with you, OP. The trainers message is bloody weird. And bizarrely random, assuming you've never had feet related chat before!
Not sure I'd want him as my counsellor ...

Even if this guy were a fully-qualified counsellor accredited by the BACP, rather than a trainee talking to a fellow-trainee, I don’t think sending a colleague a photo of two people’s feet and asking if she’d like him as a practice client contravenes any of the items in the code of behaviour.

Which is not to say it isn’t mildly odd, but from my sister who works in a group counselling situation and a friend who runs an accredited diploma in a specialist area of counselling for people who are already practicing counsellors, I can assure you that the way they relate to one another doesn’t always suggest flawless paragons of professionalism and compassion.

It doesn’t sound like a come on to me, but definitely a weird photo. I wouldn’t see the joke friend or no friend.
don’t be a people pleaser though, if someone makes you feel uncomfortable just come out with it and tell him you would prefer he doesn’t private message and keep it strictly professional on the group chat. If you don’t want to say outright just ignore his messages.

@HorsesnCourses tell him you'd prefer to keep messaging as part of the group and not dm to you. I don't think you are over thinking. On this course, there is an expectation of professional boundaries and he needs to be reminded of that. If he doesn't comply with the group messaging only, then take it further.

Sounds like it was an accidental message. Ask him if it was meant for you.

I would have responded “presume this wasn’t meant for me” especially as that’s what you originally thought. Maybe it actually wasn’t and he styled it out because of you responded as if he had. Who knows.

Your follow up message was fine, maintain a professional distance as you are. If he doesn’t take the hint, discuss with your supervisor.

His behaviour is very weird and you are slightly over thinking it.

He fancies you and has terrible social skills.
Cringe!
I think id completely ignore any private messages or odd comments and pointedly only reply to public and appropriate posts.

Yeah, sending someone a photo of your and your wife’s feet with the caption ‘My wife stole my trainers’ is a recognised seduction technique.

I think you’re trusting your gut reaction, you’re not over reacting , he sounds like a creep
Ignore any messages from him , if he carries on , think about talking to your tutor,
his behaviour is very strange
If something doesn’t feel right , it usually isn’t right .
Good luck with your career, you’ll do well!

I don’t think you needed to respond at all especially once you’d left it 2 days.

I would have imagined, as you did, that it was sent to the wrong person - but that he hadn't noticed it was the wrong person until you replied then when you did he felt he couldn't say 'that wasn't meant for you - sorry'

Just ignore it and move on (and in the future if you reply to something like this then do it with a 'not sure this was meant for me, but I hope you get your shoes back'

Could it be he's sent the message in error to you & not his friend who it was intended for & hadn't realised? Then when he received your reply has been embarrassed & though 'Shit I have to make amends' & has tried to be over friendly by asking you to practice on him so you don't think he's a sleaze

My first thought was he's a foot fetishist and he was testing you out, it was also my 2nd and 3rd thought.

He's being weird, and giving off major creepy vibes. If he's not a fetishist then he's a person without a good sense of what is an appropriate way to communicate with colleagues, and if you are that socially inept you are likely to say things that could be very upsetting for a vulnerable person.

He's made you feel awkward, liklihood is that he often makes people feel awkward. I'd shut him down firmly, don't answer any private messages and if he questions it say you will only be responding to group chats.

His first test of OP's boundaries was the 10 minute meeting that he dragged out for an hour while she tried to politely end it.

A huge part of becoming a counsellor is congruence and you can't form a deep connection with a client if you're not able to be congruent yourself. It might be uncomfortable but you have to express your autonomy to this classmate, which is that you prefer to keep all messages professional and to the main chat.

It's also worth having a little word with the tutor. I had an issue and because noone was open, noone knew that actually he had been messaging multiple women and making them uncomfortable. See your tutor as your supervisor and use it as good practice for your career ahead.

Good luck in your studies. It's an amazing career path to take :)